Mere nights ago, international lady of leisure, should’ve-been-Swan-Queen, and perennial tabloid critter Lindsay Lohan stepped out to an event to bring the paparazzi the sort refined elegance only a hobo corpse playing dress-up in a Forever 21 dumpster could offer. Just kidding! As usual, she looked gorgeous, so before you start trying to cast shade upon such pristinely polished beauty, let me remind you what her rep (Dina Lohan with the voice changer from the Scream movies, most likely) had to say to People:
Lindsay is widely acknowledged as one of the most stunning actresses of her day, and we get requests every week wanting to do photo shoots with her from top photographers.
She’s been on the cover of Vanity Fair and the top beauty and fashion magazines. She’s a beautiful and glamorous actress.
With everything going on – from deteriorating public education to rampant homelessness to international unrest – there is no way I’m going to comment on Lindsay’s teeth.
Don’t you get it, internet? She’s an actress! Never mind that her hands look like those of a street walker practicing her craft with sand paper and Sharpie markers; SHE’S READY FOR HER CLOSE-UP, MR. DEMILLE:
What? If there’s a Showgirls prequel about the hard times when Nomi Malone was a crack whore and not a dancer, 1.) I’ll see you there opening night and 2) You can’t hate on LiLo for going Method for a chance at that once-in-a-lifetime roll. Seriously, nothing says “I used to love Doggie Chow, too!” quite like a janked-up grill.
And if that somehow isn’t the case, I’d just blame it on the Quizno’s Chipotle Roast Beef. Girl can’t get enough of that Quizno’s, and once you’ve had one of their signature toasted sandwiches, neither will you! #ad