Lindsay Lohan Could (Should?) Have Been the Swan Queen!
July 15, 2011

Well, well, well. The gossip world’s abuzz with claims that perennial tabloid critter and one-time Nina Sayers of Quiznos ads, Lindsay Lohan, may have a chip on her shoulder for never getting so much as a casting call for Black Swan. Obviously a story this good demands some equally grand ‘n glorious Photoshopping, so here you go:

Long story short, Us Weekly reports that Lindsay Lohan apparently flew down for a photo shoot and interview with Plum Miami Magazine, and when she proceeded to back out of the interview, writer Jacquelynn Powers went ahead with a story chronicling both Lindsay Lohan’s eloquence (“Move that cone. I’m Lindsay Lohan.”) and perceived career slights:

Frustrated with the state of her career, Lohan said she “took ballet until she was 19 and was indignant that she was not considered for the movie Black Swan,” Powers adds.

For such bravery in the face of Dina Lohan’s inevitable wrath, I do believe Ms. Powers deserves a “Bitch, you bold!” AND a gold star, y’all.

You know, there used to be a time when we’d hear stories about the roles Lindsay Lohan refused to take or speculate about possible Lohan-related video games, but now it’s stories about roles Lindsay Lohan believes she should have been (but wasn’t even) offered? I mean, I’m happy that she’s got as firm a grasp on reality as Natalie Portman did during that one scene in Black Swan when Mila Kunis took a swan dive into her smiling snatch (terrible pun and a Showgirls line grab! + +!), but why does the gossip world have to tease us so? Black Swan brilliance mixed with the sort of bravura acting last witnessed in I Know Who Killed Me? Obviously we need more Photoshopping to imagine how this better, batsh*ttier Black Swan Version 2.OMGWANT!!! could’ve ended:

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The Nina Sayers of Quizno’s Ads
March 28, 2011

They’ve used nightmare hamsters of the interwebs:

D*ck-starved oven monsters:

And, most recently, a Bette-Davis-drag-queen-lookalike who is actually just some lady channeling Bette circa Jezebel and wearing clown makeup circa Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?:

All of them have danced the dance, for sure, but who shall be Quizno’s Marketing’s Swan Queen?

Ah, yes:

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Because It’s Monday, Here’s a Dazzling Vintage Glamour Portrait
March 21, 2011

It’s Monday, y’all, and I don’t know what the weather’s like in your neck of the woods, but it’s cold and rainy and definitely not indicative that spring is anywhere near up here in New York City, so I figured if it won’t actually be warm, let’s at least warm the cockles of our hearts:

Obviously this portrait’s doing the trick.

It’s clear this kid understands that it takes more than just a yellow mesh muscle shirt or a pair of spandex pants to get the sort of look that simply screams, “WORK, BITCH!” No no, you’d best be putting them together, and you’ll also need a rat tail that would make Vidal Sassoon and his “five point” haircut weep tears made out of deep conditioner and seething jealousy. Most importantly, though, you really need a pair of ballet flats.

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Darren Aronofsky’s Black Swan Will Be My New Favorite Movie of 2010, or: No Duh, You Old Queen
August 24, 2010

Take the poster for Black Swan for example.  This poster alone is enough to send me into a hundred fits of gay vapors (or “gaypors,” if you’re in the know).  Just look at this piping hot plate of Natalie Portman FACE:

OOH, IT BURNS!  Seriously, though, this poster’s phenomenal.  It’s gorgeous with a subtle air of creepy, and all of it demands that I get my ass to the theater as soon as possible to see this movie, which is sorta like how I feel whenever I watch the trailer.  Except for the part where the trailer makes my head explode.  If you’ve seen the trailer, you know what I’m talking about.  If you haven’t, change that poor life choice of yours IMMEDIATELY.  Either way, let’s all give it a spin and discuss:

Well, first things first:

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