Scant Thoughts on Super Bowl 50
February 8, 2016

id4 resurgence super bowl football stadium

As the French would say, je ne suis pas sportif, but if I’ve got two things going for me, it’s a thirst for pop culture and a fear of missing out, so here are a few scant thoughts regarding FootBowl 50: Still a Thing!

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OH NO THEY DI’INT: Tim Tebow Played the Pronoun Game When Talking About Dating
February 4, 2016

tim tebow pronoun game

In the annals (heh) of things I have no business talking about, I’m well aware that football tops (teehee) the list. Nevertheless, a footballer is still a slab of beef by another name, so I guess today’s category is butch queen realness.

Anyways, Tim Tebow showed up on The Ellen DeGeneres Show to talk about the Super Bowl, which isn’t very exciting if it isn’t an excuse for a 12-minute Madonna concert. As if she knew she needed something for the rest of us, Ellen Degeneres asks about Tim Tebow’s dating life, and that sound you heard is the clickity clack of a thousand thirsty bromosexuals updating their Super Bowl slash fiction. That’s what a Fantasy Football is, right?

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This Krispy Kreme Hot Dog Is Not an April Fools’ Joke, Y’all
April 1, 2015

krispy kreme hot dog I repeat: this Krispy Kreme Hot Dog is not an April Fools’ joke, y’all. It is a cross-promotion between the New Castle Krispy Kreme and the Wilmington Blue Rocks, a minor league baseball team in Wilmington, Delaware. The Krispy Kreme Hot Dog is a hot dog covered in bacon, drizzled with raspberry jam, and served inside a Krispy Kreme doughnut.

It’s “a new chapter in ballpark concessions”, and that chapter is titled “Sweet Jesus.” It’s a reminder that there is no crying in baseball, but there is an ever-present threat of cardiac arrest. It’s a desperate howl from the monster mouth of a national pastime gone awry. The Krispy Kreme Hot Dog is why you’re Shaq fat, America, and it’s why I wish I knew how to quit you: (more…)

Move That Cone! It’s Lindsay Lohan’s Esurance Commercial!
February 2, 2015

lindsay lohan liz & dick so bored gif

If you ask me, the Super Bowl was Super Blah. Katy Perry was serviceable if not particularly spectacular, football continues to baffle and bore, and Russell Wilson didn’t ask me to be his boyfriend. In a GIF, I was bored. I was so bored.

There was one highlight last night, though, and that was this Esurance commercial starring Lindsay Lohan:

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This Guy LOVES Him Some Hockey
April 2, 2011

I’ll admit that I don’t really know much about hockey, save for the fact that it always strikes me as a hilarious excuse to watch grown men on ice skates beat the crap out of each other over a little disc. Is it like some bizarro butch version of Joan Crawford’s The Ice Follies of 1939?

I don’t know.

What I do know, though, is that Joan’s costumes are absolutely glamour-gonzo, a young Jimmy Stewart wants to do things on ice that have never been done before (!), those ice skating numbers look like bargain-basement Busby Berkeley insanity, and why haven’t I seen this movie yet?!? Again, I just don’t know, but what I do know is that this guy LOVES him some hockey:

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A Perfectly Reasonable Response to the American Idol Season Finale
May 27, 2010

Now that Lee DeWyze has won this season of American Idol, we can all listen at our own risk to his cover of U2’s “Beautiful Day.” I personally imagine it to be the soundtrack to my own personal Hell–the one where it plays on infinite loop over an endless montage of inspirational moments from sports movies–because I hate sports movies (that are not A League of Their Own, DUH) almost as much as I love U2.  But I digress.

Here’s a video of someone’s mom reacting to last night’s American Idol finale:

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50 Cent’s Set to Write, Produce, and Star in the Second Best Possible Things Fall Apart in Which 50 Cent Could Write, Produce, and Star
February 22, 2010

When I saw there was the headline “50 Cent to produce, write, star in ‘Things Fall Apart'” over at EW.com, my heart skipped a beat at the thought of what that would be like, but then I actually read the article:

Curtis Jackson, better known as rapper-actor 50 Cent, will co-produce, co-write, and star in a feature film titled Things Fall ApartVariety reports. Jackson will play a running back in the college-football drama, which is unrelated to Chinua Achebe’s classic 1958 novel of the same title. Mario Van Peebles has signed on to direct.

Boo.  I’m sure that there’s every possibility that a college-football drama written, produced, and starring 50 Cent has every reason to end up being just fine, but that means 50 Cent’s Things Fall Apart is going to be a sports movie, and getting me to see a sports movie is only slightly easier than getting me to watch footage of a live birth.  

Maybe it’s just me, but frankly I wish they’d gone in a different direction:

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