An Open “Letter” In Response To The State of Indiana
March 27, 2015

That is all.

Nicolas Cage as Miley Cyrus in “Wrecking Ball” Because Why Not?
November 6, 2013

One might imagine that Miley Cyrus’s “Wrecking Ball” and Nicolas Cage should go together like ice cream sundaes and sausage gravy, yet somehow this works…if your work is in sex nightmares.

And yes, I know I’m the last person on the interwebs to hop on this whole Miley Cyrus thing, but like a twerk monster to the flame of heavy machinery, I just couldn’t resist with this mess of a video. After all, much like a modern-day Oscar Wilde, I have the simplest tastes.

I am always satisfied with the worst.

This Montage of Nicolas Cage Losing His Sh*t Is the Bestest. OBVIOUSLY.
November 22, 2010

Seeing as we’re still NO STREAMO at work, I can’t say for sure, but if there’s truth in advertising and/or YouTube videoclip titles, this one is presumably just Nicolas Cage acting (ACTING!) batshit insane, which we all know is a very special thing indeed. True fact: If we could successfully transform Nicolas Cage’s crazy into cash, we could wipe out global debt, find a cure for cancer, and still have enough coin left over to treat everyone in the world to mani-pedis.  TWICE.  Another true fact?  If Nicolas Cage’s crazy were an animal, it would a unicorn.  Or a hair bird:

It’s just that magical.

ANYWAYS, here’s that video I was going on tangents telling you about after the jump.  It’s by Harry Hanrahan, whose interweb glories include–but are not limited to–“The 100 Greatest Insults of All Time.” Whatever.  Enough blog talk.  Enjoy! (more…)

Since The Sorcerer’s Apprentice Comes Out Today, Here’s the Great Work of Art to Feature Nicolas Cage in 2010
July 14, 2010

So The Sorcerer’s Apprentice is coming out today, and while I wouldn’t say it looks bad, it also doesn’t particularly good, and it definitely doesn’t look like Knowing:

See what I mean?  Kind of meh, but maybe that’s just me, and I digress.

The reviews have been coming in over the past few days, and they aren’t too favorable.  Right now, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice is sitting at a rather unfortunate 35% over at Rotten Tomatoes, and the consensus with RT’s list of Top Critics is like taking a Chinatown bus from Badtown to Worseville:

Obviously this isn’t the impressively bleak 15% Knowing received last spring, which is sad because I probably won’t enjoy The Sorcerer’s Apprentice nearly as much Knowing, but equally obvious is the fact that I will inevitably see this at some point anyways.  After all, that’s why the intewebs gave us Cageflix.

ANYWAYS, good or bad or deliciously awful, the one thing for certain about The Sorcerer’s Apprentice is that it is by no means THE work of art to feature Nicolas Cage in 2010.  No no, that accolade belongs to Brandon Bird’s Uncanny Valley, which you probably have never heard of, and that’s precisely why you need to change your ig’nant ways:

(more…)

Werner Herzog’s Made His Showgirls
June 1, 2009

This is Werner Herzog:

herzog

(portrait © Robin Holland)

It’s rather safe to say that he’s one of cinema’s indisputable masters.  He’s made masterworks like Aguirre, the Wrath of God and Fitzcarldo and Grizzly Man.  He’s also a man of his word.  In short, Werner Herzog’s on the short list of the Bestest, and he’s now made Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans.  It’s about a cocaine-addicted police officer without any moral scruples and a major case of sailor’s mouth (ruh-roh!), and it stars Nicolas Cage (double, all-caps RUH-ROH!).  This is the trailer, which is not safe for work and will probably have my mother asking me why I get a thrill out of such garbage:

Crimminy crap, such garbage!  But hilarious garbage, to be sure!  There’s no point in even commenting on Nicolas Cage’s performance because we’ve all come to expect him to be consistently, categorically insane.  He has a lucky crack pipe, he hallucinates iguanas, and he fires off his gun so onlookers will leave him be while he has public sex with crack whores.  Nicolas Cage’s officially our generation’s John Wayne, the grand camp jester of histrionic masculinity; he’s brilliant.  I think what’s more important is the rest of this cast.  Serioulsly, y’all, it doesn’t make a damn lick of sense.

(more…)

For the Lovers of Bad Movies, One Thing is Clear: We’re All Going to See Knowing This Weekend
March 21, 2009

As of late this evening, the critical consensus on Knowing sits at a rather bleak 24% according to Rotten Tomatoes.  That essentially means 24 of every 100 film critics actually liked the movie, or–in monetary terms–Knowing can’t even rank as a quarter.  Then, when you check their top critics section, you get this:

knowingrt1

The standard Rotten Tomatoes score includes plenty of online critics; it’s more democratic in one sense in that it allows any person with a domain name and a knack for film criticism can have their opinion considered in the Rotten Tomatoes score.  With enough work and effort, I could have my opinions be a part of this equation.  Given my personal tastes and predilections with film, that’s rather horrifying.  I don’t even want me suggesting what middle-America should see; they’d probably come after me with pitchforks and torches and burning effigies as they demanded my blood.  So, yeah, I take that score with a grain of salt.

But the top critics score, the score delivered by the men and women that make their careers to watch and critique movies, means professional film critics REALLY hate this movie.  These are the people that see the artistic heights and depths of the medium so that they can guide audiences towards the best that’s screening in theaters, and they think Knowing is a hot mess of crashing planes and trains.  I could piddle my pants at how excited this makes me.

Oops, too late.

(more…)

Knowing Looks to Accelerate Nicolas Cage’s Career Swan Dive Into Awful
March 5, 2009

Over the past week, posters for the new Nicolas Cage film, Knowing, have been cropping up all over the subway likes it’s the advertisement equivalent of kudzu.  Are you confused about what Knowing is?  Don’t worry, I’ll show you:

I can’t explain it, but I really like it when Nicolas Cage claps in the classroom because it’s just such a classic Nicolas Cage “I’m ACTING!” sort of tic.  I’m not saying he’s a bad actor.  He’s totally great in Adaptation and the 20-odd minutes of Matchstick Men that I’ve seen, so there’s no doubt the man has talent.  Taste, however, might be another question.

Ever since The Wicker Man, he’s made increasingly poor career choices.  Can someone honestly defend movies (or the hairstylists hired for said movies) like Ghost Rider or Next or Bangkok Dangerous?  Not to get too Meryl Streep up in here, but I have my doubts, y’all.  The trailer for Knowing only appears to further confirm that Mr. Cage has taken a bungee jump off Career-Suicide Bridge without properly attaching the cord.  Ruh-roh.

I also want to know who greenlit this nonsense?  It’s like Next, Joel Schumacher’s abominable The Number 23, an episode of Lost focused on the Others, and Cage’s Wicker Man acting sensibilities all hopped into a telepod to make a Brundle-movie, and poor Alex Proyas is the one at the controls!  He once did the brilliant Dark City, and now he’s directing this schizophrenic mess?  YIKES!

But would I be lying if I said I wasn’t going to see it, possibly opening weekend at that?  Of course I would!

I’ve had a weakness for disaster movies ever since I rode the Earthquake ride at Universal Studios.  Epic destruction always yields a promise of over-the-top cinematic spectacle (usually ever greater as character development declines).  Besides, I’ve a weakness for movies that have “train wreck” stamped all over them, and Knowing has that stamp in big-bold letters.  When you add in the shredded cheese of a Nicolas Cage performance to it, you’ve  got a great recipe.

For unintentional laughs.

And, of course, then there’s this little online tidbit.  Someone at Summit Entertainment decided that a literal train wreck is the best way to whet you appetite:

(more…)

%d bloggers like this: