I’m Concerned About This Search Engine Term, You Guys
March 2, 2015

search terms

Sure, I’m always interested to see what drives traffic to this little corner of the internet, and I don’t mean to be a mom about anybody’s internet privileges, but I’m concerned about this search engine term, you guys. Feeling blue-curious about Dr. Manhattan’s atomic todger? Fine. Desperate to find a mediocre song in a manipulative movie trailer? Okay! But “im nobodys back up plan” (sic)? Please stop surfing the internet and hide the sharp objects, because yikes!

Are you looking for answers because you’re worried you’re not the backup plan…for anybody…and you found your way here? Were you hunting for fodder for your single-and-“loving”-it Pinterest board, but you still ended up at this post, because abs, maybe? Or perhaps this picture:

(more…)

Rest in Peace, Robin Williams
August 11, 2014

Today in Poor Life Choices: Mischa Barton Regrets Starring in The O.C.
August 7, 2014

mischa-barton-vapestickIf the above picture is any indication, Mischa Barton recently took a break from perfecting her boho American Horror Story: Coven cosplay and sat down for an interview with Metro to talk about being new FACE of Vapestick. Since that story is probably just as exciting as it doesn’t sound like at all, Metro went with Mischa taking a kitten swipe at her past success instead:

(more…)

Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Timely, Responsible Reaction to the Saddest Mad Men News Ever
January 29, 2010

Even though it’s been months since Mad Men killed a piece of my soul, I’ve chosen to remain optimistic about Bryan Batt’s future with the series, but earlier this week TV Guide Magazine reported that Matthew Weiner is keeping Sterling Cooper’s prized gay out to pasture.  Even thinking about it now gives me a serious case of Paul Kinsey face:

Sure, it’s Matthew Weiner’s prerogative to do whatever he wants with Mad Men, and I implicitly trust his decisions as its showrunner, but on the other hand:

I wasn’t ready for Sal’s departure when it first happened, and I’m nowhere near ready to move beyond the denial stage of my Mad Men grief, which looks like this:

(more…)

Tragedy Has Befallen Television! The Beautiful Life Has Been Cancelled
September 26, 2009

Even though I barely made it through the first episode of The Beautiful Life (that show was not good, y’all), I’m nevertheless saddened that CW has decided to pull the plug and cancel it after two episodes.  I’m in shock, and I suspect I’m not the only one:

mischa tbl cancellation disbelief

While the show itself was quite bland, I nevertheless cannot understand a world that would deny us Mischa Barton in a prime-time, youth-oriented soap opera.  This news is like the dysmal third season of The O.C., when the show became awful and Marissa Cooper was killed in a car accident, but now I can’t blame it on the public school kids.  When you look it up in the French dictionary, this is what they call “le sadness.”  But we haven’t just lost Mischa.  We’ve also lost this:

(more…)

Rest in Peace, Jack Cardiff
April 22, 2009

I hate to be a Debbie Downer at this late hour in the day, but the BBC is reporting that filmmaker Jack Cardiff has passed away at 94.  He had a wonderfully long and varied career as both and a director and a cinematographer.  I think he’s a Technicolor genius, and his cinematography work with Michael Powell and Emerich Pressburger on the exceptional melodramas Black Narcissus and The Red Shoes may be some of the greatest ever.  I cannot recommend these films enough; his work in these movies is one of the great cases for film as a true art.  It’s a testament to his talent that, even on YouTube, his ability to capture color is simply stunning.  Let’s celebrate the life of a true artist with (what I believe to be) the crowning achievement of his work:

I recall sitting in a film class and encountering this scene for the first time.  I see plenty of movies, and many of them excite me in some way or another, but this scene was something special.  I crackled with an electric shock, like I was a human battery, as I sat through these moments, and the sensation never leaves me.

If it were not for the way that Mr. Cardiff captured the redness of Sister Rose’s lipstick of eerily calm pinks of the Himalayan sunrise in the sublime manner that he did, I wonder if this scene would have the same hypnotic control over me.  Powell and Pressburger indubitably played a large and important part in crafting the perfect finale of Black Narcissus (they’re the directors, and geniuses in their own right, after all), but the colors–so necessary to the feel and mood and affect of the film–are Cardiff’s doing.  He’s a man of supreme talent, and he shall be missed.

Hell No, “Valley Girls”
April 20, 2009

Once upon a much more innocent and simpler time, I really loved the hell out of Gossip Girl.  It was completely absurd, but I loved it so.  The plot lines always resolved themselves in a matter of episodes, and a great deal of drama was either totally regurgitated whenever needed (Serena and Dan, together yet again!) or totally ludicrous (Lily and Rufus have a secret baby!), but that didn’t mean the show lacked flair.  Like good trash television, it knew the marks to hit and hit them with aplomb.  

The costumes were either fabulous or fabulously tacky, so either way they’re good for conversation.  The dialogue was frequently smart, and the Chuck-and-Blair banter occasionally even reached rather Hawksian heights of verbal sparring.  And let’s not forget that Gossip Girl birthed Georgina, an F5 tornado (F is for fierce) of pure bitchcraft that made the show briefly crackle with a palpable electricity.  

But the past few weeks of Gossip Girl have been pretty miserable, and tonight’s episode doesn’t really put me in anticipation of any great review.  Between the teacher/student affairs, the secret sex clubs, and the reunion between Nate and Blair that rests firmly atop the Do Not Want list, I’ve pretty much accepted that I’ll follow Gossip Girl through the rest of this season out of loyalty alone.  Even Georgina’s return just makes soul hurt; why drag her down with this sinking ship, Josh Schwartz?  You already introduced those terrible (and by terrible, i mean boring and poor) public school kids in the third season of The O.C.!  Haven’t your wrought enough carnage?

Obviously not, because we’re getting this mess May 11th:

valley_girls_poster

This is the promo poster for the Gossip Girl flashback episode involving Lily van der Woodsen’s youth in L.A.  This poster says, “I’m a twenty-something actress that’s been lit in this poster to more closely resemble a thirty-something drag queen because I’m a show that’s all about quality.”  This poster also says, “Please watch me despite the fact that I’m a terrible idea made real only by riding the wave of middling hype of a once-great-but-now-rather-dreadful show.”  This poster is the new (tranny) face of the Do Not Want list.  

Let’s hope this is not suggestive of what’s to come with these final episodes of this season’s Gossip Girl because that’s one gaudily styled train wreck of despair.  Le sadness, indeed.

Update: This post was initially written under the impression that “Valley Girls” was to be an official spin-off show.  It has since been reported that “Valley Girls” is merely a flash-back episode in the second season; however, depending most likely on fan reaction and ratings, this train-wreck could be a go for this fall.

Today is a Sad Day: Lindsay Lohan’s Career is Pretty Much Dead
April 14, 2009

Do you remember the halcyon spring of 2004 when a glorious teen comedy brought a sparkling and perky teen starlet’s freckled face into our life?  Of course you do!  How can you forget Mean Girls?  Wait, you kinda have, you say?  Why?  Was it the infamous coke-pants?  The multiple stints in rehab?  Or perhaps I Know Who Killed Me?  Maybe the (not really at all) shocking lesbian relationship?  Was it Fornarina?  Okay, fine, I guess it’s easier to overshadow Lindsay Lohan’s early potential nearly five year’s down the road, but I dare you to watch this and try and tell me that–at one point–you didn’t think Lindsay Lohan was the cutest:

So much cuteness, but it now seems so bittersweet.  Even the few brief minutes of the trailer remind me of the sweet scent that was her seemingly promising career; now, though, you vaguely suspect that Lindsay Lohan’s career just smells like cigarettes and train wrecks.  And, judging by this Funny or Die video that’s been making its rounds on the internet today, she likely smells of desperation as well:

[UPDATE (7/9/09): The YouTube version of this clip has been yanked, but the link above to Funny or Die still takes you straight to this train wreck of a “comedy” video]

Oh, HAHAHA, she’s capable of poking fun at herself!  Self-deprecating celebrities are just like us!  This is soooo hysterical, y’all!  Except that this is actually just uncomfortably sad.  Not because we’re cruelly picking on a young ingenue who is without fault (because, to be fair, she has many, and they’ve unfortunately brought her to this current place); no, this video is pathetic because this is what it looks like when celebrity culture consumes someone whole.

(more…)

%d bloggers like this: