This Krispy Kreme Hot Dog Is Not an April Fools’ Joke, Y’all
April 1, 2015

krispy kreme hot dog I repeat: this Krispy Kreme Hot Dog is not an April Fools’ joke, y’all. It is a cross-promotion between the New Castle Krispy Kreme and the Wilmington Blue Rocks, a minor league baseball team in Wilmington, Delaware. The Krispy Kreme Hot Dog is a hot dog covered in bacon, drizzled with raspberry jam, and served inside a Krispy Kreme doughnut.

It’s “a new chapter in ballpark concessions”, and that chapter is titled “Sweet Jesus.” It’s a reminder that there is no crying in baseball, but there is an ever-present threat of cardiac arrest. It’s a desperate howl from the monster mouth of a national pastime gone awry. The Krispy Kreme Hot Dog is why you’re Shaq fat, America, and it’s why I wish I knew how to quit you: (more…)

Move That Cone! It’s Lindsay Lohan’s Esurance Commercial!
February 2, 2015

lindsay lohan liz & dick so bored gif

If you ask me, the Super Bowl was Super Blah. Katy Perry was serviceable if not particularly spectacular, football continues to baffle and bore, and Russell Wilson didn’t ask me to be his boyfriend. In a GIF, I was bored. I was so bored.

There was one highlight last night, though, and that was this Esurance commercial starring Lindsay Lohan:

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The Robot Apocalypse Will Be Competing in the Horizontal Bar at the 2012 London Olympics
September 28, 2011

Look, I recognize it’s been a while since I’ve come around and tended to this little corner of the internet, but it doesn’t mean my feelings have change about what we share over at this little corner of the internet where camp is queen, and it definitely doesn’t mean my feelings have changed about the Robot Apocalypse. No no, much like Geena Davis insisted to the hooker in David Cronenberg’s The Fly, we should all be afraid. Be very afraid. The case against gymnast robot no. 8, Kovacs, is no different.

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Reuters Gives Great Head(lines)
July 7, 2010

Excellent work, Reuters.  You’re a legitimate and respectable news source, and this is your headline:

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Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Anecdote Corner: On Sportiness
March 18, 2010

When one of my coworkers today jokingly commented how I kicked a foil ball like a girl (don’t ask), I realized how terribly unflattering that comment is.  To girls.  Have you ever seen a girl play soccer?  And I’m not even talking professional soccer.  The girls that make up the reject team for the local little league soccer team probably have a more effective sense of foot-eye coordination.  Seriously, some days it’s a small miracle I haven’t yet died going up a flight of stairs.  But I digress.

My point is, I’m all for critiquing my kick style, but let’s keep it a little less gendered and a little more on the nose.  Or in other words, I kick like a drag queen on quaaludes and crutches.  RECOGNIZE!

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