Yesterday, a rather delectable piece of gossip hit the interwebs. Celebitchy, which picked up the story via Page Six, reported that Lindsay Lohan refused the role of Jade, the stripper who marries Ed Helms, in The Hangover. Yes, THE The Hangover, as in the smash summer comedy that invariably proves that nothing is cuter than babies sunglasses:
Fortunately, this summer, after many a delay, Ms. Lohan’ll be bringing us Labor Pains, her own log to contribute to the raging fire that is America’s baby craziness. Sure, it’s not getting a theatrical release, or even a straight-to-video release (at least until later this fall), but it is getting an ABC Family world television premiere, and that HAS to be something:
Shut. Your. Face. “I’m better when I’m pregnant” is an actual line in ANY movie EVER? I will never forgive myself if I do not DVR this baby-bump-riddled train wreck because I absolutely have to see this, but I’m also quite certain that, should I watch more than five consecutive minutes at a time, my brain will be liquified by the bad idea waves irradiating out of this…this thing.
I get that they’re the station that finds drama in the possibility that any one of the perfectly timed thrusts in your incredible sex life could very well spell disaster for your parents, so I’d never actually accuse them of having things like taste or good decision making skills, but ABC Family proclaims this one of their “Original Movies” with some sort of sense of pride? Isn’t that kinda like proudly keeping your back-alley abortion in a mason jar on your coffee table because you want it to be a conversation piece at all your cocktail parties? This shit is bleak, and the full trailer is (impressively) even bleaker:
I can’t really figure out what I just saw, or how someone even thought up this terrible idea with this horribly flat dialogue, or what person thought it was going to be a good idea to finance this project, or why anybody would conceivably pay for the rights to distribute, let alone watch, Labor Pains. All I do know is that this movie should probably be prefaced with a warning, maybe something like this: To prevent swallowing your tongue while watching Labor Pains, please keep a spoon in your mouth at all times.
Mostly, though, I can’t figure out how–if the rumors are true–Lindsay Lohan would say sign onto a project like Labor Pains but pass on a genuinely funny movie like The Hangover. That’s so dumb that my face hurts. That’s so misguided that a (very, very small) part of my soul died. Yet it’s all so believable. It probably went something like this:
Lindsay Lohan: Agent, do you have any scripts for me?
Agent: I’ve got this movie called The Hangover. You’d play a stripper…
Lindsay (cutting her agent off): Lame. I already played a stripper that had non-religious identical twin stigmata. You should know that. I pay you in empty Red Bull cans and cigarette butts, so do your damn job!
Agent: But you’re also a mother to an adorable baby in sunglasses! And it’s a comedy!
Lindsay: Gross. I don’t do comedies with babies; only comedies with baby bumps. Duh. Anything else?
Agent: Well, there’s this company called Fornarina, but their clothes are utterly hideo…
Lindsay (cutting in): I’ll take it! Now give me a cigarette and a Red Bull, or you aren’t getting paid.
This is mere speculation, of course, but we all get the gist: Lindsay Lohan makes great choices with her “career.”
On the plus side, though, when La Lohan closes the door to a role, life opens said door for Heather Graham’s career! Then again, Heather Graham’s baby movie, Miss Conception, doesn’t look entirely like the worst:
Oh, and at least Miss Conception got a straight-to-DVD release. I’m just sayin’.
Kisses to Celebitchy for posting the story.