Today in Poor Life Choices: Mischa Barton Regrets Starring in The O.C.
August 7, 2014

mischa-barton-vapestickIf the above picture is any indication, Mischa Barton recently took a break from perfecting her boho American Horror Story: Coven cosplay and sat down for an interview with Metro to talk about being new FACE of Vapestick. Since that story is probably just as exciting as it doesn’t sound like at all, Metro went with Mischa taking a kitten swipe at her past success instead:

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Our Prayers Have Been Answered! Homecoming Is Finally Coming to DVD
February 9, 2010

I cannot convey to you in words how much this delights me, but DVDActive is reporting that Homecoming is at long last arriving on DVD April 27th.  Obviously this is a good thing because I know we’ve all been waiting an eternity (or since last summer) to witness Mischa Barton channel Kathy Bates in Misery and bring on the crazy in a hardcore way.  And for those of you who haven’t been waiting for Homecoming grace your eyeballs like a thousand golden rays of batshit bonkers sunshine, allow me to repost the trailer to remind you how you live a joyless existence and generally fail at life:

Um, there’s a scene where Mischa Barton takes a bed pan to the face.  The face!  If that doesn’t indicate how much this movie DEMANDS our support, then I don’t know what does.  Also, let’s not forget how Mischa’s currently guesting as a hooker named Gladys on Law & Order: SVU in order to pay the bills.  Girl could probably use the residual check.

Most importantly, though, Homecoming is apparently the movie in which Mischa Barton can has ham sandwich:

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Tragedy Has Befallen Television! The Beautiful Life Has Been Cancelled
September 26, 2009

Even though I barely made it through the first episode of The Beautiful Life (that show was not good, y’all), I’m nevertheless saddened that CW has decided to pull the plug and cancel it after two episodes.  I’m in shock, and I suspect I’m not the only one:

mischa tbl cancellation disbelief

While the show itself was quite bland, I nevertheless cannot understand a world that would deny us Mischa Barton in a prime-time, youth-oriented soap opera.  This news is like the dysmal third season of The O.C., when the show became awful and Marissa Cooper was killed in a car accident, but now I can’t blame it on the public school kids.  When you look it up in the French dictionary, this is what they call “le sadness.”  But we haven’t just lost Mischa.  We’ve also lost this:

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Found: Mischa Barton’s Career. Still Missing: Her Appreciation of Solid Food
June 2, 2009

Judging by all available pictures, Mischa Barton is Hollywood’s hardest working actress.  Why?  Because she doesn’t even have time to eat:

mischa barton hungry

Even back in her glory days as both a cast member of The O.C. (best show EVAH!) and the spokesperson for Neutrogena, I always found myself inexplicably compelled to throw bagels at the television screen and screechily demand her to eat something.  But then she died on The O.C., and with the death of Marissa came the apparent death of Ms. Barton’s career.  WRONG!  Bitch is back this fall on the CW, and her new show is the trashtacular The Beautiful Life.  Just feast your eyes on this mess:

If nothing else, I will watch this show in its entire run just to learn Mischa Barton’s stomp walk and head swivels.  Seriously, when I deliver mail at work, I want to STOMP STOMP STOMP over to my coworkers’ desks, give a hungry-hungry-bitchface look as I toss their mail down, HEAD TURN, then STOMP STOMP STOMP away.  Fortunately, though, Mischa and The Beautiful Life aren’t just educational tools on how to be a fierce bitch.  No no, they’re also a lesson in crafting mind-bending drama:

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