Martha Stewart Reads Well, Should Do Every Comedy Central Roast

Let’s face it: Martha Stewart is better than us. Martha Stewart is better than us at cooking, she’s better than us at arts and crafts, she’s  better than us at working a stripper pole (unless you’re Nomi Malone, in which case you already know you’re a goddess), and she’s better than us at throwing expert level shade. Case in point: this clip from last night’s Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber. It’s more than a mere argument for why Martha’s read qualifies her for every future Comedy Central Roast; it’s a teachable moment from Paris Is Burning, as all things should be:

See, if most of the Justin Bieber roast relied upon the kind of low-hanging insults any Canadian guttersnipe could follow, Martha Stewart stands out from the pack by opening up the library and teaching the children how to read. She doesn’t need to tell Shaq that’s he’s fat or Ludacris that he’s a slut, because they already know.

Sure, she probably enlisted the bitchiest queens she knows to write her material (I can see it now: Martha slides the plush, pink book across the table towards the hungry, sequined throngs in front of her. “Put in in the Burn Book,” she cooly purrs.), but this is the woman said Gwyneth Paltrow “just needs to be quiet“, so you know she’s well versed with a verbal shank. It just comes naturally to her, like tasteful decorating solutions and perfect pie crusts. So bust out your finest handfan.gifs, darlings:



vivacious mother has arrived


Martha has arrived.

[Latrice GIF via The Backlot. Vivacious GIF via Tumblr.]

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