Let’s Make a Meme: Nomi Malone Licking Things
March 9, 2015

make a meme nomi malone

After I produced my Photoshop masterpiece, Nomi Malone: MTA Enthusiast, it was only a matter of time before I asked myself, What comes after greatness? Since it’s all creatively downhill after you photoshop a stripper on the subway, I figured why not try and contribute to internet meme-dom with an entire series of Nomi Malone licking things—a No-meme Malone, if you will. After all, even Icarus needed something to do during the fall.

So ladies and gentlemen, without further adieu, my first round of contributions to Nomi Malone Licking Things. Things like…

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I Really Really Really Really Really Really Like Everything About This
March 8, 2015

tom hanks carly rae jepsen i really like you

I get that not everything on this blog is goint to be camp, and Carly Rae Jepsen is definitely not camp, but whatever. This music video for “I Really Like You” is terminally delightful in every way, and that’s good enough for a Sunday post:

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A Brief Appreciation of Eddie Redmayne’s Exquisite Camp Beauty
March 7, 2015

eddie redmayne danish girl

For some time, I’d been trying to put my finger on Eddie Redmayne’s rather singular attractiveness, but thanks to this recently released promotional still from Tom Hooper’s upcoming biopic The Danish Girl, I believe I’ve put a well-manicured finger on it:

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TGIF! Now Here’s The Art of the Belt with Miss Dixie Carter
March 6, 2015

Today, this blog is called “Classes”, because we need to work on your technique. It’s called “the Lion”, and it’s easy, really. Ready to roar? Just remember: deep breath in, don’t be shy, and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH.

NYC PSA: Licking Subways A-OK!
March 5, 2015

showgirls nyc subway pole

Gothamist recently reported that, according to Weill Cornell Medical College’s Dr. Chris Mason, “you’d probably be fine” from licking a subway pole. This is excellent news for germaphobic pole fetishists and the perfect excuse to me photoshop the above beauty into existence! What time is it? IT’S SHOW(girls)TIME!

John Carpenter’s Frozen Would Be a Frozen Finally Worth Watching
March 4, 2015

frozen blood test scene john carpenter the thing

Pardon the pun, but Frozen is one of those zeitgeisty juggernauts that left me…cold. I get that everybody loved it, most notably The Gays “and” John Travolta, but not me. I won’t bother defending such a deeply unpopular opinion, either, because my excommunication papers are already being processed by an unforgiving Hell’s Kitchen queen with an Idina Menzel prayer shrine and a Tumblr blog filled with Precious Moments GIFs and Kristoff/Duke slash fiction. ANYWAYS, here’s a video by indie filmmaker and animator Lee Hardcastle. It’s a claymation mashup of Frozen characters and the blood test scene from John Carpenter’s The Thing, so there’s animated blood and NSFW language, but who cares? This is great:

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Inside the ACTING Studio, With James Lipton and Faye Dunaway
March 3, 2015

faye dunaway mommie dearest joan crawford shower

As far as I’m concerned, the only thing more camp than Faye Dunaway’s performance in Mommie Dearest is James Lipton and Faye Dunaway on Inside the Actors Studio discussing Faye Dunaway’s performance in Mommie Dearest, without irony:

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I’m Concerned About This Search Engine Term, You Guys
March 2, 2015

search terms

Sure, I’m always interested to see what drives traffic to this little corner of the internet, and I don’t mean to be a mom about anybody’s internet privileges, but I’m concerned about this search engine term, you guys. Feeling blue-curious about Dr. Manhattan’s atomic todger? Fine. Desperate to find a mediocre song in a manipulative movie trailer? Okay! But “im nobodys back up plan” (sic)? Please stop surfing the internet and hide the sharp objects, because yikes!

Are you looking for answers because you’re worried you’re not the backup plan…for anybody…and you found your way here? Were you hunting for fodder for your single-and-“loving”-it Pinterest board, but you still ended up at this post, because abs, maybe? Or perhaps this picture:

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I Call Shenanigans: On Madonna’s Best Actress Oscar Snub for Evita
March 1, 2015

evita madonna rainbow tour

I wouldn’t go so far as to say Madonna was robbed of an Oscar for her performance in Evita. After all, 1997 was the year that Frances McDormand (consummate actor, national treasure) won for Fargo, so the best performance really did win. But after staying up too late rewatching Evita on Netflix last night, I realized it’s some kind of hot nonsense that Madonna didn’t even get a nomination. Madonna is pretty much flawless in Evita. Here, let me count the ways:

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Sh*t Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan Says
February 28, 2015

I had almost forgotten about “Shit Girls Say” meme craze, which is fine, because it’s not 2012, and I try to rely upon more than trite gendered observations and casual misogyny for humor. I rely upon innumerable Showgirls references instead, because I dine on sophistication. (And Doggie Chow.)

Speaking of sophistication, here’s an 8-minute montage of Alexis Carrington quotes, because even the most exhausted meme is revitalized by Joan Collins, Dynasty clips, and a glamorous yet sensible appreciation of shoulder pads.

Well, The Dress Definitely Ain’t a Versayce
February 26, 2015

showgirls dress black blue white gold versace versayce

Even if every generation gets the dress controversy that it deserves, this dress ain’t from Versayce (you know, in the Forum?), so I fail to see what all the fuss is about.

OMGina!!! Here’s Gina Gershon Singing “I’m So Excited” on Glee
February 25, 2015

gina gershon glee i'm so excited

I’d bother offering some context for this clip from last week’s Glee, but then I’d have to admit I’ve been watching the never-ending bath salt nightmare of a South Florida theater kid, so shhhhh. All that matters is that Gina Gershon showed up to play Blaine’s mother, and–more importantly–she was joined by Jennifer Coolidge (!!!), Gloria Estefan (!?!), and a Suze Orman’s Midwestern dopplegänger (…) to sing the Pointer Sisters classic “I’m So Excited” (.gif .gif .gif):

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Christina Aguilera’s Britney Spears Impression Is On-Point, Y’all
February 24, 2015

Last night, Christina Aguilera went onto The Tonight Show to promote her return to The Voice, and she and Jimmy Fallon played a game of Wheel of Musical Impressions. Her Britney Spears impression is on-point, and her Cher is pretty awesome, too. Christina Aguilera isn’t just the diva camp deserves, but the icon it needs right now.

[via Vulture]

 

 

Wake Me When It’s Over: An Irresponsible Oscar Postscript
February 23, 2015

joan crawford oscars 1946

I’m not sure there’s anything to be said about last night’s Oscars that can’t be said by this picture of Joan Crawford asleep with her Oscar, which is to say: Zzzz.

It wasn’t that the Oscars were terrible. Patricia Arquette won, and she spoke about how to make the world a more just place. Julianne Moore won, and the world became a more just place. Neil Patrick Harris dutifully tried to keep some awfully regrettable material afloat. At least it wasn’t James Franco, part don’t. Lady Gaga’s Sound of Music melody was really great, even if it wasn’t performed in a bratwurst dirndl. And then there was John Travolta, who was killing it last nightpossibly literally. Seriously, if John Travolta asks you to help him move some furniture into a van, just tell him you’ve got a hunky masseuse appointment to attend and run, girl, run! He’ll totally understand.

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Here’s a GIF of Idina Menzel and John Travolta at the 2015 Oscars
February 23, 2015

idina menzel john travolta 2015 oscars

While the rest of last night’s Oscars might be described as safe, here is a GIF of the one moment that felt anything but: Idina Menzel and John Travolta, together onstage to revisit 2014’s “Adele Dazeem” gaffe. Idina, you in danger, girl!

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Whatever You Do Tonight, Oscars, Let’s Not Leave Out Ms. Minnelli
February 22, 2015

Liza-Minelli-OSCARS-2014

NEVER FORGET.

[Image via Fashion Addicted Foodies]

Fran Lebowitz: A Model Citizen
February 21, 2015

fran lebowitz

Brevity is the soul of wit, so I’ll let this Fran Lebowitz quote speak for itself.

[via Mash Notes]

 

TGIF! Now Here’s Two German Daddies and a Dog Singing U2
February 20, 2015

Much like the tale of Athena as writ for an issue of Twink Fancy, here are two German muscle daddies and their bulldog singing along to U2’s “With or Without You”, a video sprung forth from the imagination of aging queen quietly approaching his twilight appreciation for silken caftans and aged spaetzle.

Happy Friday, you old queens!

[via @U2 Blog]

 

 

Everybody Is a Critic…of Fifty Shades of Grey
February 19, 2015

fifty shades of grey poster nyc subway graffiti

I spotted this pithy critique en graffiti (a graffitique, if you will?) at the 23rd Street subway station, in the heart of the Chelsea gayborhood. It’s the end result of someone literally can’t even with Fifty Shades of Grey, but definitely can with a Sharpie. Guess they aren’t hot for contract law, either.

Oh, Chelsea: the library is closed, but the David Barton Gym is always open.

Elizabeth Taylor’s Ash Wednesday: A Barely Topical Midweek Post
February 18, 2015

elizabeth-taylor-in-ash-wednesday-1973

Like many fair-weather Catholics, I only observe the major holidays: Christmas presents, Easter chocolates, year-round guilt and shame, and the 40 days of Lent Facebook status updates. Since I don’t have any more vices to give up this year (except for coffee and meat, which ha ha and NO), this Ash Wednesday I’ve decided to give in to forty days of daily exercise and daily blog posts. Also, since I still haven’t seen Ash Wednesday, I’m giving in to bootleg DVDs and finally ordering this most tantalizing cinemystery. I mean, I get that this is the Elizabeth Taylor plastic surgery melodrama, but this movie looks f**king bonkers, y’all:

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