This Krispy Kreme Hot Dog Is Not an April Fools’ Joke, Y’all
April 1, 2015

krispy kreme hot dog I repeat: this Krispy Kreme Hot Dog is not an April Fools’ joke, y’all. It is a cross-promotion between the New Castle Krispy Kreme and the Wilmington Blue Rocks, a minor league baseball team in Wilmington, Delaware. The Krispy Kreme Hot Dog is a hot dog covered in bacon, drizzled with raspberry jam, and served inside a Krispy Kreme doughnut.

It’s “a new chapter in ballpark concessions”, and that chapter is titled “Sweet Jesus.” It’s a reminder that there is no crying in baseball, but there is an ever-present threat of cardiac arrest. It’s a desperate howl from the monster mouth of a national pastime gone awry. The Krispy Kreme Hot Dog is why you’re Shaq fat, America, and it’s why I wish I knew how to quit you: (more…)

Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Monster Mouth Corner: Oops, I Sandra Lee’d a Shepherd’s Pie
April 26, 2011

So it’s finally happened:

Despite every crack I’ve made about Sandra Lee, I finally hopped on her crazy train and rode into the recipe world called Semi-Homemade. Yes, like some drunk sorority girl dancing atop the bar at an Alpha Delta Pi mixer, I decided last night that I would be try-curious. The only difference was that nobody would be taking me home afterwards for some sloppy on-top-of-the-clothes action followed by a barf in my trash can, but you know what? That’s the difference between food sluts and regular sluts, and I can be okay with that. (Slut Barbie knows what I’m talking about.)

It’s also worth noting that Sandra Lee’s semi-homemade dishes follow her “70/30” philosophy (70% store-bought, 30% fresh), whereas my lazy ass couldn’t be bothered to use anything that hadn’t been sitting atop my cupboard (boxed mashed potato flakes) or in my freezer (a beef pot pie). Hell, even the cheese was pre-shredded, so I guess my shepherd’s pie merely qualifies as “barely homemade.” Whatever. The recipe’s simple, so I encourage you give it a look:

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The Olsen Twins Have a Serious Case of Monster Mouth, Demand: Gimme Pizza
June 23, 2010

I should warn you in advance that this video from You’re Invited to Mary-Kate and Ashley’s Sleepover Party contains the following:

  1. Terrible rapping by child actors
  2. Editing that’s completely unsuitable for epileptics, possibly the public in general

My point is this video will give you a seizure, but that shouldn’t stop you from watching it.  Just make sure your co-workers understand that you’re having an actual medical emergency and not just practicing your best Nomi Malone like you usually do.  Anywho, here’s the Olsen twins and their friends invading your brain and killing your appetite with “Gimme Pizza”:

Jesus.  Caramel coconut cream AND fish sticks?  Even I wouldn’t eat that, and that’s really saying something when you think about it.  Seriously, you need to shut down your monster mouth and think about your poor life choices if you can look at this:

And have this reaction:

olsen twin pizza reaction

That’s cute, Olsen-twin-I-will-assume-is-Mary-Kate-because-Mary-Kate-has-chosen-to-continue-on-with-her-acting-and-this-face-screams-ACTING, but that’s also completely unacceptable.  There’s only one acceptable response to your pizza:

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Great Performances in Faye Dunaway’s Career: Faye Dunaway Eats a Hard Boiled Egg
June 21, 2010

Based on my highly sophisticated Interweb Deductive Reasoning Skillz (aka, IDRS; aka, Google search), I’ve come to the conclusion that the Parco referred to in this video is the same Parco that’s a department store in Japan; however, what Faye Dunaway peeling and eating a hard boiled egg has to do with shopping at said department store is the sort of batshit weirdness that can neither be Googled nor explained.  It can only be seen, and thankfully Joanne Casey over at I have seen the whole of the internet has indeed seen the whole of the internet (or at least the part of the internet where Faye Dunaway eats a hard boiled egg), so now we can all witness the dignified artistry and elegance that Faye Dunaway brings to hard boiled egg eating:

Obviously this comes as no surprise that Faye Dunaway has made hard boiled egg the new organic pear.  How could it be any other way?  Watching this is simply exquisite.  I mean, think about the delicate, playful way she prepares her egg for consumption; why, it’s practically feline!  Marvel at how she turns hard boiled egg appreciation into a silent epic told through pure FACE, particularly this FACE:

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TGIF! Now Let’s All Go Make Plans to See The Back-Up Plan
April 23, 2010

Movieline asks if this image of Jennifer Lopez recreating nearly every day of my life stuffing…something…into her mouth is the new greatest movie publicity still ever:

What an absurd question, Movieline.  That answer is self-evident, as self-evident as the accompanying video clip is most obviously fantasy porn for neurotic single women of a certain age, frustrated housewives, and me:

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Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Monster Mouth Corner: Eat a Donut Bacon Cheeseburger
March 29, 2010

Look, I’ve got nothing against all-natural produce, but we can’t always just eat an organic pear.  Sometimes we need something more.  Sometimes we need savory as well as sweet.  Sometimes we need throw caution to the wind and say, “Fuck it all: I’ll eat Cheerios and Lipitor the rest of this week if I must, but tonight I want to live!”  Sometimes, dear readers, we need to eat a donut bacon cheeseburger, which is precisely what I did this weekend.  Behold the epitome of gluttony and the pinnacle of modern culinary innovation, made by my own two hands:

donut bacon cheeseburger gloriousness

Now, having actually had the high-calorie, fatty food food equivalent of a gang bang, I can tell you the following things about the donut bacon cheeseburger with great certainty:

  1. Despite allegations otherwise, the donut bacon cheeseburger is not a sign of the apocalypse.  It is glorious.
  2. In fact, the donut bacon cheeseburger is so mind-blowingly scrumptious that I’d reckon this is the Harbinger of Deliciousness, a veritable Jesus Burger that has come from the heavens above to rid the world of size-zero pants and preach the gospel of elastic waistbands.
  3. My vision of Heaven is most likely the 9th circle of Hell for vegetarians.  In certain fundamentalist vegan Christian circles, I am now the front runner for the Antichrist.  I guess even the irresistible temptations of a donut bacon cheeseburger can’t win ’em all.

The rest of my experience is a bit more of a blur, so at this point we have to pause so you can decide if you want to take the donut bacon cheeseburger pill or the boring pill.  How far down this culinary rabbit hole of batshit insanity and morbid obesity do you want to go?  Oh, who am I kidding?  Red pill it is!

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