12 Hot Celebrities Who Should Teach Us How to Navy Shower
March 23, 2015

With only a year’s supply of water left, Californians are eager to find ways to conserve water pronto! One of the suggestions I keep hearing about is taking a navy shower, but when you look up how to take a navy shower, you get videos like the one above: informative, serviceable, and not one single sexy famous person in sight! Seriously, is California’s diminishing water supply even an issue if much, much prettier people aren’t telling us it’s a problem? No! And will we pay attention unless it’s a packaged in a listicle that guarantees at least a little nip? NO. There’s but one sensible solution: navy shower educational videos by super hot celebrities.

That’s why I’ve put together this proposed list of twelve blistering hot celebrities who should Show Us Some Peen If You Want Us to Go Green™. The thirst is real, after all, but if these celebs don’t drop trou to take a stand for navy showers, it’s gonna get literal for California, y’all:

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Here’s Ryan Gosling’s Robert Durst Drag Look in All Good Things
March 15, 2015

ryan gosling robert durst drag

Just a reminder that this is Ryan Gosling, actor and Internet’s Boyfriend, as a fictionalized version of Robert Durst, recently arrested accused murderer and subject of The Jinx, in drag. I don’t recall All Good Things being very good, but this is definitely a memorable look. That is all.

Good Luck With That One…
April 4, 2012

Sure, we’ve all at some point wanted to read an article about ladies who spell “I Heart Ryan Gosling” with a silent “vagina,” but I don’t know if this intrepid reporter’s going to get anywhere using a Craigslist post. Ryan Gosling is the internet’s #1 crush, and besides, everybody knows Craigslist is for rim jobs, Inception style.

Much love to Craigslist by way of Videogum for this one.

The Only Thing More Depressing Than Scream 4 Existing Is Scream 4 Existing AND Starring Neve Campbell
September 26, 2009

It’s been a while since thought about Scream 4, and that’s largely because it pains me to know end to think about this debacle coming to fruition.  Scream was the first R-rated horror film I was ever allowed to watch.  I lost my H-card to Scream, y’all, so the thought of Courteney Cox Arquette and David Arquette being surrounded by a CW-series worthy cast of actors and calling it Scream 4 feels somewhat akin to tracking down your high-school sweetheart only to discover they’ve gotten a cheap boob-job and are turning tricks outside a Cheesecake Factory.  You want so desperately to rekindle those old feelings, but you can’t help but feeling it’s going to be sloppy and desperate.  In the end, it’s really just best to walk away and remember the good times.  So why stop with the ostrichin’?

Well, there now comes news that Neve Campbell has joined the cast of Scream 4, which is the sort of tidbit that makes me wish Tatum was still around to dole out her sassy yet sage wisdom:

scream 4 neve campbell bad idea

Seeing as she was taken out by a rather unfortunate accident involving a doggy door and an electronic garage door opener, such advice could not be counseled.  That, and she’s also a fictional character, but whatever.  Boo.

What sucks about this development (besides Neve Campbell seeing Neve Campbell get wrangled into this train wreck) is that I now have to hoist up my white flag and admit defeat/mildly percolating interest.  If I’ve sat through Three to Tango for Neve Campbell,  then it goes without saying that I’ll be sitting through Scream 4 for Neve Campbell.  Of course they’ll probably just Casey Becker her in the first 15 minutes, but shooting doesn’t start ’til next spring, so there’s still time for this not to be the worst!  Let’s discuss.

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Nothing Gets Done When You’re Craving Cookies
July 23, 2009

Faithful readers and fresh-off-the-blog-boaters, I must be honest: I’ve got a problem.  No, it’s not a love for the Sauce, nor is it for anything that could snorted (thank goodness) or shot into my veins (absolutely not).  No no, I’ve got a different sort of problem, and that problem’s name is Cookies.

cookie monster c'est moi

Really, if you put any form, no matter the shape, consistency, texture, or list of ingredients in front of me, I will snatch that shit away from you quicker than you can blink.  The only answer I know to the question “Would you like a cookie?” is “I’ll take three.”  The only  response I have to “I’m sorry, sir, but we’re out” is “BAKE MORE, WHORES!!!”  

When I’m not eating cookies, I’m thinking about eating cookies.  Seriously, I can’t even blog sometimes because all I’d would write would be this:

COOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIE COOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIE COOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIE COOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIECOOKIE.

Even I don’t even find that compelling, and I’m the one thinking about pecan sandies at this very moment.  

And even when I am eating cookies, I’m thinking about eating other types of cookies, which I guess is sorta like imagining having sex with someone other than the person you’re having sex with, except I’m thinking about Double Stuf Oreos instead of Ryan Gosling.  It’s a problem, y’all.  

Now I know you probably think I’m totally making this up and that Cookie Addiction, like modern art and women’s rights, is just some bogus joke perpetrated by the bourgeois liberal elite.  Trust me, y’all, it’s a real problem, and it will destroy your family.  Just look at how it can ravage the mind:

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Dead Man’s Bones is Reason 762 to Love Ryan Gosling
April 9, 2009

You really don’t need that many reasons to love Ryan Gosling.  The fact that he’s Ryan Gosling is totally enough.  Still, knowing that he’s in a band only adds to the lovability factor, and it also doesn’t hurt that this of his song is really damn good:

It’d be easy to say that this is just my own personal Ryan Gosling love making me biased, but nothing makes me put on my “blech!” face like Half Nelson, so that can’t be it.  I think it’s the fact there’s something wonderfully akin to the Arcade Fire going on with this song, but infused with a thoroughly old-timey church revival vibe.  Added to that, any music video that’s going to look like a silent film directed by Carl Th. Dreyer (they even got the aspect ratio right!) is like favorite-icing atop dream-boyfriend-cake.  And don’t get me started about how I feel about men in vests.  Suffice it to say, it’s a whole ‘nother layer of icing, and it’s possibly the most delicious icing ever created by man.

So, yeah, Dead Man’s Bones, y’all.  They’re your new favorite band.  I hope you can deal with it.  

Thanks to Entertainment Weekly for reporting on Dead Man’s Bones.

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