Let’s Make a Meme: Nomi Malone Licking Things
March 9, 2015

make a meme nomi malone

After I produced my Photoshop masterpiece, Nomi Malone: MTA Enthusiast, it was only a matter of time before I asked myself, What comes after greatness? Since it’s all creatively downhill after you photoshop a stripper on the subway, I figured why not try and contribute to internet meme-dom with an entire series of Nomi Malone licking things—a No-meme Malone, if you will. After all, even Icarus needed something to do during the fall.

So ladies and gentlemen, without further adieu, my first round of contributions to Nomi Malone Licking Things. Things like…

(more…)

Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Monster Mouth Corner: Eat a Donut Bacon Cheeseburger
March 29, 2010

Look, I’ve got nothing against all-natural produce, but we can’t always just eat an organic pear.  Sometimes we need something more.  Sometimes we need savory as well as sweet.  Sometimes we need throw caution to the wind and say, “Fuck it all: I’ll eat Cheerios and Lipitor the rest of this week if I must, but tonight I want to live!”  Sometimes, dear readers, we need to eat a donut bacon cheeseburger, which is precisely what I did this weekend.  Behold the epitome of gluttony and the pinnacle of modern culinary innovation, made by my own two hands:

donut bacon cheeseburger gloriousness

Now, having actually had the high-calorie, fatty food food equivalent of a gang bang, I can tell you the following things about the donut bacon cheeseburger with great certainty:

  1. Despite allegations otherwise, the donut bacon cheeseburger is not a sign of the apocalypse.  It is glorious.
  2. In fact, the donut bacon cheeseburger is so mind-blowingly scrumptious that I’d reckon this is the Harbinger of Deliciousness, a veritable Jesus Burger that has come from the heavens above to rid the world of size-zero pants and preach the gospel of elastic waistbands.
  3. My vision of Heaven is most likely the 9th circle of Hell for vegetarians.  In certain fundamentalist vegan Christian circles, I am now the front runner for the Antichrist.  I guess even the irresistible temptations of a donut bacon cheeseburger can’t win ’em all.

The rest of my experience is a bit more of a blur, so at this point we have to pause so you can decide if you want to take the donut bacon cheeseburger pill or the boring pill.  How far down this culinary rabbit hole of batshit insanity and morbid obesity do you want to go?  Oh, who am I kidding?  Red pill it is!

(more…)

Calm It Down, Shep Smith. It’s Only a Krispy Kreme Cheeseburger
October 9, 2009

Now this is what I’m talking about:

krispykremeburger

Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheeseburgers.  Just beholding this heavenly beauty raises my cholesterol level threefold, and I mean that as a compliment.  I know that this is the sort of gastronomic nightmare that I could make from the comfort of my own home, but I can’t imagine it coming out half as delicious as the gutbombs in this picture look.  And it’s best I keep telling myself that for fear of actually making one.  One day I’m making Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheeseburgers, and the next day I’m freebasing them.  It’s a slippery slope like that.

Of course, one man’s paradise is another man’s Hell on Earth, and so it’s with great pleasure that I introduce to you Shep Smith, my arch-nemesis in all things scrumptious:

(more…)

%d bloggers like this: