Blah Blah Blah Magic Mike XXL Teaser Trailer Blah Blah Blah
February 5, 2015

Words are meaningless when it comes to something like this Magic Mike XXL teaser trailer. Channing Tatum has clearly learned from the poet laureate of ridiculous stripper movies, Joe Eszterhas: when all else fails, THRUST IT! As a result, ladies and gentlemen of a certain persuasion are already clutching their pearls and clicking their way to Fandango, and I don’t even have to be bothered with a pithy title. Thrust it, indeed.

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I Am Ron Parks and Recreation’s Ron Swanson
July 8, 2011


Vodpod videos no longer available.

Both of us love putting bacon on things. Both of us have a possibly questionable relationship with food. Both of us get behind strippers (not like that, ew, but I have my reasons) but get behind free breakfast buffets even more. I don’t mind salads, though, so I guess the truth is that I wish I was Ron Swanson.

Still, it’s important to have goals in life.

Much love to Warming Glow by way of Buzzfeed for this one.

TGIF! Now Here’s a Stripper Fight
February 4, 2011

Now don’t let this picture fool you. The video after the jump of two strippers shouting profanities and beating the crap out of each other most certainly lacks the glamour of my above “artistic”interpretation. Also, unlike a certain movie I just can’t stop talking about, everybody manages to keep all their clothes on (well, all of their clothes being relative to the fact that they–strippers–often aren’t wearing any, but I digress), the fight does not erupt when someone is accused of f*cking the meter reader, and nobody ends up getting shoved down a flight of stairs. I know, I know:

Regardless of such shortcomings, though, this stripper catfight is still totally worth watching because have you ever heard of a catfight that’s not worth watching?  I don’t think so. Anywho, it’s Friday, and we’ve all put in a hard week’s work, so let’s all sit back and enjoy the delicate beauty and irrepressible classiness of two strippers fighting:
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Martha Stewart Adds Pole Dancing to Her Extensive List of Talents
January 20, 2010

Martha Stewart’s talk show films a block away from where I work.  Sometimes when I’m walking to work in the morning, I’ll pass the queue of people waiting to see a live taping, and I always tell myself I should try and get tickets for a taping, but then I never do.

So naturally, this video of Martha Stewart fills me with regret.  So much regret:

That said, just because I didn’t see this in person doesn’t mean that my reaction is any different than it is right now:

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You’re Tearing Me Apart, Copyright Laws!!!
August 10, 2009

It’s no lie that I tend to find the fickle nature of YouTube clips and their battles with copyright law to be terribly annoying.  I can’t stand that any music video that falls under ownership of the Universal Music Group cannot be embedded, and the same goes for the trailers and clips of anything owned by Disney.  This explains the disappearance of Shmathan’s favorite clip on parenticide, which was surreptitiously removed from YouTube on account of copyright infringement, but that doesn’t make it any less annoying.  Or confusing, for that matter.  I personally would rather not want to claim any credit for such an embarrassingly ridiculous clip, but that’s just me.

Anyways, it’s with a heavy heart that I must today announce that the Powder Blue clips have been taken down from YouTube.  Yes, the glistening gems that inspired much camp glee have been taken from us.  I’d like to think all my ridiculous ranting and raving in some way preserved some of the train-wreckery that graced this blog, but I can’t help but feel like there’s now a Powder-Blue-shaped hole in my heart.  Of course, these clips cannot compare to the glorious Godawfulness that is watching Powder Blue in its entirety, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to put my cranky pants on over this situation.  Sure, I cannot claim to understand the finer nuances of the legal matters behind this indecency, but I can Photoshop up some indignation with the best of them:

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Rejoice! Powder Blue is Out on DVD Today!
May 26, 2009

I woke up this morning with an extra spring in my step and a renewed sense of hope for the world.  It’s safe to say that we all know why:

powder-blue

YESSSSSS!!!  After what’s seemed like an eternity of waiting, Powder Blue has finally made it’s way to DVD!  

Today feels just like Christmas, which–seeing as Powder Blue is set on Christmas Eve–is totally fitting.  Only it’s much better than Christmas because we’re getting Forest Whitaker begging a tranny prostitute to kill him, Lisa Kudrow sharing her tips to a successful diet, and a whole bunch of Jessica Biel’s ACTING.  And her dirty pillows.  Mostly, though, we’re getting Jessica Biel’s ACTING, which apparently involves her being addicted to cocaine (naturally…because she’s a stripper) and pouring candle wax on her ta-tas (naturally…because she’s a stripper).  In other words, Powder Blue is the classiest, most seriously artistic endeavor cinema has ever seen.  EVER.  Thank you, Timothy Linh Bui.

Don’t even bother Netflixing this mess, y’all.  We may be in a recession so blah blah blah fiscal responsibility blah blah blah, but that doesn’t mean you can’t afford the small pittance it’ll cost on Amazon.  Seriously, $12.99 (plus shipping and handling, ‘cos I know you want this mess overnighted) is a bonafide bargain if it’s supporting the beginning of Jessica Biel’s inevitable career as a camp icon.  This is her Showgirls, y’all, and she’s Powder Blue‘s Elizabeth Berkley.  And don’t even bother feigning your best surprise face: I’ve already got my copy next to me.

So I hope you prepare yourself, people.  I’m about to bring the Powder Blue love out like it’s my blog job, and that’s a blog promise.  I hope you like batshit crazy, because that’s all I’ll be serving for quite a while.

And, lastly, if you came here looking for Jessica Biel’s boobs and are disappointed to instead find a distinct lack of said boobs, allow me to redirect you here.  There you go.  Biel boobs to warm your heart and nourish your inner aspect.  You’re welcome.

I Promise This Will Be the Last Powder Blue Post. For This Week.
April 16, 2009

Not by choice, mind you.  It’s just that after this one, there’ll be no more clips from the destined-to-be-a-masterpiece wunderfilm Powder Blue for me to post.  It’s seriously sad times, y’all!  I’m already feeling disoriented and confused about this bleak future where we are without indescribable pleasures of constant Powder Blue posts.  Expect the chills and nausea to set in soon because it’s a scientific fact that Powder Blue withdrawal is like heroin withdrawal.  But worse.  So much worse.  

So here it is, the last hit we’re gonna get for a few weeks.  May 8th is still several weeks away, so you’d better savor this deliciousness:

Oh man, this clip totally makes things all better.  You know what’s better than Lisa Kudrow’s secret to dieting?  Jessica Biel’s creeptastically crazy-ass secret about being visited by her father in her sleep when she’s been good.  And you know what’s better than that?  NOTHING.  Well, perhaps the fact that she’s sharing her uncomfortably insane secret with someone that she BARELY KNOWS and then invites him to visit her at work.  Which is a strip club.  Because that’s a safe thing to do with a stranger.  Other than that, though, NOTHING IS BETTER.  

Really, the more I think about it, I feel like my soul is at ease.  If this scene, with its stunningly awkward and failed attempts at sentimentality and emotionally-moving acting, doesn’t convince you that Powder Blue promises to be a magical experience in the art of pure camp, then I don’t know what to say to you at this point.  I guess everyone is entitled to their own tastes and opinions, even if they’re wrong.

Life is Good When You Can Post Twice in One Day About Powder Blue
April 13, 2009

Oh glory be!  Are you worried that you won’t be able to see the most eagerly anticipated film of the summer, Powder Blue, when it’s released May 8th in New York and Los Angeles?  Are you terrified that the inevitable months of waiting for a DVD release so you may whet your lips with its sweet nectar of camp will simply prove too much to handle?  Or are you simply in it for Jessica Biel’s boobies?  Well, whatever your motivation, fret not!  

According to DVDActive, Powder Blue will be released on June 9th.  That’s right, people.  Powder Blue is such a classy, respectable, and truly visionary cinematic experience (and definitely not a train wreck, natch) that the distributors refuse to keep it away from audiences any longer than the absolute minimum waiting time.  

This is NOT about exploiting the recent buzz surrounding Jessica Biel appearing in this movie as a stripper, and this is MOST CERTAINLY NOT about trying to sell as many copies of the-movie-where-Jessica-Biel-is-a-stripper to hormonal adolescent boys and twentysomething virgins living in their parents basements before the incredibly bad buzz renders this movie incapable of selling a single copy that’s not in a 99-cent bargain bin in your local Walmart (unless it’s at your neighborhood GLBT book and video store, which in that case Powder Blue‘s totally selling for full price).  Nope, this release date speaks to just how confident Image Entertainment is that Powder Blue the movie we all need in our lives sooner as opposed to later.  Seriously, just look at the box art ; it positively reeks of integrity and confidence:

pb-stripper

“Don’t worry, buyers,” this cover seems to say.  “This is a movie about finding hope in the darkest of places!  This is like Magnolia, but more serious!  And artistic!  Jessica Biel’s boobs are purely incidental to the sales of this uncompromising cinematic masterpiece (of Jessica Biels starring as a stripper)!  And, don’t worry, if you don’t like art because you think that just means that Powder Blue will be pretentious and boring, we’ve still got boobies to keep things interesting!”  

And if the box art doesn’t convince you enough, as I type this, you can pre-order Powder Blue on DVD from Amazon for a mere $12.99.  That’s 54% off the list price of $27.98!

So what’re you waiting for?  Pre-order your copy today!  All signs point to Powder Blue being THE piece of (unintentional camp) art for our generation!

(Thanks to Michael for the tip.)

Give Jessica Biel All the Awards, People, Because She’s ACTING in Powder Blue
April 8, 2009

One time, in an independent cinema class I took in undergrad, we were watching Ulee’s Gold, which stars a quite excellent Peter Fonda and features a young Jessica Biel in a supporting role.  When her name appeared in the opening credits, I shrieked her name out loud in a mixture enthusiasm and surprise; this is apparently something most people don’t do, so I’ve had quite some trouble living that incident down amongst the friends of mine who’re in that class.  Whatever, I digress.

Point is, I really do love Jessica Biel, but before today I could never quite explain why.  Now I have an answer, though, and that answer is Powder Blue.  I mean, really, there are no words for this:

I’m sorry, but did we all just share that moment?  I hope so, because that moment was magical.  Jessica Biel even borrows from Elizabeth Berkley’s tricks and does a classic Nomi-shove!  YES!

I know that I like to throw around the Showgirls love a lot, but damn does this look like the heir to the thrown in terms of pure camp.  What is being played for maximum dramatic effect only manages to achieve maximum giggles.  Jessica Biel is HARDCORE because she SMOKES and CURSES AT DOCTORS, but she’s also DAMAGED and DESPERATE because she TRIES TO SEDUCE THE DOCTOR.  This is a SERIOUS MOVIE, and these are SERIOUS SITUATIONS, and this is SERIOUS ACTING.  If you couldn’t tell, Powder Blue is clearly shaping up to be the year’s subtlest drama.

What I love the most, though, is the seduction moment.  The second Jessica Biel puts on that sexy voice, you can literally see the trains crashing into each other in a firey blaze of LOLs.  I genuinely worry that, with such a high level of camp, I may explode if I watch this movie in a single sitting.  Trust me, though, that threat is not going to stop me.  Not by a long shot.

People, it’s official: Powder Blue has been upgraded from mere Bad Movie to Anticipated Camp Classic.  To hell with Netflix, I’m seeing this mess opening night.  The rightful heir to the Showgirls thrown drops May 8th, y’all.

Powder Blue Looks Like the Train-Wreckiest Train Wreck
April 3, 2009

Look out, Elizabeth Berkley!  If the trailer for Powder Blue is any indication whatsoever, it looks like Jessica Biel’s in the running for Worst Performance as a Stripper.  I’m usually capable of withstanding large amounts of awful for the sake of good camp, but even I don’t know if I can make it through this mess.  Seriously, y’all, this movie looks terrible, and not in the fun way:

Admittedly, this movie will inevitably find an audience regardless of whether or not it’s campalicious because it’s already getting major press as the movie where Jessica Biel strips.  Given that I could care less for boobs, though, all I’m gonna get is a whole lot of overwrought seriousness.  This movie looks like it wants to be sooooooo serious with all its fragile, damaged characters that are supposed to reflect the frustrations and isolations that come with living in this day and age.  

Jessica Biel is a disenchanted stripper with a sick son and a good heart.  Forest Whitaker is a suicidal ex-priest who wants a tranny prostitute to shoot him.  And then there’s odd the mortician who’s just lonely and awkward and totally not a serial killer.  And let’s not forget Patrick Swayze, who looks like a tranny prostitute but apparently isn’t.  The characters are SERIOUS, y’all.  It’s nothing but 😦 all around for these guys.

Oh, and how could I forget the completely dialogue dialogue imbued with the glimmer of hope all serious movies need as they dissect the human condition:

Sad-faced stripper: When tomorrow comes, everything’s going to be okay.

Not-a-serial-killer mortician: Everything’s going to be okay.

Somehow, I don’t think it will be.  Powder Blue will still be on your resume.

I shouldn’t get too mean, though.  I’m not saying that this movie looks good or even enjoyably bad, but that doesn’t mean it’s not being moved to the top of my Netflix queue as we speak.  I’m just saying.

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