He Used to Love Doggy Chow, Too
April 11, 2015

craigslist missed connection cat food manners

Cristal: You’ve got great manners. They’re really beautiful.

Nomi: Thanks.

Cristal: I like nice manners. I always have, how about you?

Nomi: I like having nice manners.

Cristal: How you like having ’em?

Nomi: What do you mean?

Cristal: You know what I mean.

Nomi: I like having them with a fork, in a can of cat food.

[hamburgermilk via I Have Seen The Whole Of The Internet]

What Do You Mean, Everything That’s “Wrong” With Showgirls?!?
February 11, 2015

The “problem” with being a pathological Showgirls obsessive with a blog (such as myself) is that you don’t get very many legitimate reasons to write about Showgirls. We don’t live in a world that finds new ways on the daily to celebrate Paul Verhoeven’s timeless gesamtkunstwerk (I know, UNFORTUNATELY), so mostly you’re left making Showgirls references. Lots…and lots…of Showgirls references. It’s a charmed life, for sure, but one perhaps grasping (if not gasping) for relevance.

So it’s definitely a day for celebration when the good folks at CinemaSins make an “Everything Wrong With” video about the greatest thing to happen to the cinema since Mary Pickford sliced bread! Hooray, Showgirls is relevant again! (“Manage your expectations, queen” – Everybody else.)

(more…)

Cheers, Queers! It’s Been Six Years!
February 3, 2015

showgirls1

Can you believe it’s been six years since I started this blog? Where does the time go? What do the next six years have in store? And does this mean my blog’s getting to old for that whorey look? Well, this blog ain’t called “Questions”, but since I rhetorically asked, answers are after the jump:

(more…)

“A Long Day’s Journey Into Cristal Connors” or: Let’s Watch This Hot Guy Work Some Drag Magic
July 8, 2011

If you told me that the guy above could go from hot bearded hipster gay (heyyyy) to the ravishing bitch and all-around rolemodel below:

My second response would be “I call your bluff.” (My first response would be “DON’T TOUCH THAT BEARD!!!”) I’m hardly saying it’d be impossible, but it’ll definitely take commitment. My clown lesbian fright drag Liza Minnelli is proof positive, y’all.

ANYWAYS, here’s a video of said bluff being called. It’s kinda NSFW on account of all the boobs, but this Showgirls we’re talking about, so tell your boss it’s ART. “A Long Day’s Journey Into Cristal Connors”:

(more…)

Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Guide to Making Showgirls the Best Midnight Movie Ever
January 13, 2010

Sure, we’ve been over this again and again and again, but even broken records are worth repeating every once and a while:

Honestly, it’s perfect in every way, and the only problem I’ve ever had in regarding Showgirls as the crown jewel of camp cinematic masterpieces is that it’s never achieved a Rocky-Horror-Picture-Show level of midnight movie cult status.  Rocky Horror Picture Show, with its sing-a-longs and toilet-paper-throwing and audience shout-outs, embraces full-on audience participation; on the other hand, despite being 131 minutes of bare breasts and bitchery, the Showgirls audience has always struck me as relatively demure.  

Yes, seeing Showgirls on the big screen is comparable to a religious experience, so a certain amount of reverential silence is to be expected.  That, and I WILL shove a bitch down a flight of stairs if they start talking over any of that sublime Joe Eszterhas dialogue:

But Showgirls is also the sort of cinemagic that deserves more than just the knowing laughter of camp appreciation.  No no, seeing Showgirls on the big screen should be like watching Stardust Hotel’s Goddess while tripping balls on crazy pills.  So, in honor of the IFC Center screening Showgirls as this weekend’s midnight movie, here are a few suggestions on how to make your next midnight movie screening of Showgirls something extraordinary:

(more…)

More Adam Lambert Performance Cancellations? It’s Time to Call Shenanigans on ABC
December 3, 2009

Well, it looks like it’s not just the New York Senate that hates gay people this week.  ABC has yet again pulled the plug on my favorite Cristal-Connors-channeling, wasteland-wandering glam bear:

When his Good Morning America performance was cancelled last week, there was at least an air of reason to the decision.  It may have been somewhat sheepish, but it’s hard to blame ABC for not wanting to run the risk of another “shocking” live performance on morning television.  I didn’t get what all the was about over his AMA performance, but it’s also safe to say that a camp-loving gay man and the majority of conservative America will have radically different takes on what it takes to be “too gratuitously sexual” on television.  Fine, America, you hate when nipples pop up during your Super Bowl Half-Time Shows, and fake oral sex and a gay smooch on a third-tier music awards show are also out of the question.  Duly noted, now let’s all move on.

As I read on Celebitchy, though, we haven’t moved on, and ABC has now cancelled Adam Lambert’s performances on both Jimmy Kimmel Live and Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, which Lambert speculated on Twitter as a result of pressure from the FCC.  Yet, as the Los Angeles Times observes and Queerty reiterated, both shows would broadcast late enough that Lambert’s performance would have to try damn hard to get the FCC to slap ABC with fines for indecency.  So, with the FCC out, what else could it be?

Going off the New York Times ArtsBeats Blog, my guess is ABC must still be suffering audience anxiety:

(more…)

This Week in Irresponsible (and Timely) Mad Men Recaps: Once Upon a Time, When We All Loved Doggy Chow
October 31, 2009

My goodness.  Has it really been nearly a week since this past week’s Mad Men?  Shitfire, y’all, it really has been!  And even though the interwebs have already had a week to give us thoroughly considered and Does that mean this week’s Mad Men won’t be recapped?  Absolutely not!  But does that mean this week’s recap is going to make like a Talking Heads’ concert film and stop making sense?  You’d best believe it!

First things first, serious talk and schadenfreude :

suzanne farrell hahaha

I mean, I hate to sound like an unsympathetic monster, but there was something waaay too satisfying having to watch her walk back home after spending half an evening hunched down in the passenger’s seat of Don’s car.  Seriously, I’d about had enough watching Don and Suzanne wreak havoc on my eyeballs plan their romantic getaway vacation this episode, but fortunately Betty and the kids came back early from their trip to Grandpa Eugene’s house, which brings us to the serious talk:

(more…)

Showgirls 2? There’s Going to Be a SHOWGIRLS 2?!?
October 8, 2009

Anyone who knows me or has spent any time with this blog is well aware of how I feel about a certain cinematic masterstroke:

showgirls best movie of all time ever

Sure, I imagine that every time I fall into some tangent extolling the virtues of this classic of classics, my mother rolls her eyes and wonders how I could ever love such garbage.  Garbage like this:

Based on the above clip, however, I believe the more important question is “How could you not love such garbage?”  Seriously, Showgirls, you had me at “DIFFERENT PLACES!”

Anywhosie, there’s now a rumor circulating all over the internet about a sequel to Showgirls, and though I honestly am inclined to call shenanigans, we still need to talk about this like it’s chips and nails.

(more…)

%d bloggers like this: