Please, Oh Please, OH PLEASE Let MTV Resurrect Bride & Tunnel
July 27, 2011

I’ll admit that I was tempted to head this post with a screen grab from when one of the male cast mates projectile vomits. I don’t know, it just felt like it’s more attention grabbing, but this being the blog that it is, I decided to go with the screen grab where a catfight erupts in a club and results with a girl getting shoved to the floor. My sensibilities are nothing if not consistent.

ANYWAYS, here’s a sizzle reel for MTV’s abandoned reality series Bridge & Tunnel. It’s basically like Jersey Shore, except it’s Staten Island. And everybody appears to live either at home or in a hotel? I don’t know. What I do know is that I haven’t gotten the trash TV train wreck tingles this bad since I saw the original Jersey Shore promo. The language is a little raw, but who cares? This show looks completely amazing:

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TGIF! Now Here’s a Stripper Fight
February 4, 2011

Now don’t let this picture fool you. The video after the jump of two strippers shouting profanities and beating the crap out of each other most certainly lacks the glamour of my above “artistic”interpretation. Also, unlike a certain movie I just can’t stop talking about, everybody manages to keep all their clothes on (well, all of their clothes being relative to the fact that they–strippers–often aren’t wearing any, but I digress), the fight does not erupt when someone is accused of f*cking the meter reader, and nobody ends up getting shoved down a flight of stairs. I know, I know:

Regardless of such shortcomings, though, this stripper catfight is still totally worth watching because have you ever heard of a catfight that’s not worth watching?  I don’t think so. Anywho, it’s Friday, and we’ve all put in a hard week’s work, so let’s all sit back and enjoy the delicate beauty and irrepressible classiness of two strippers fighting:
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Today’s YouTube Highlight in Three Words: Denny’s. Halloween. Catfight.
November 16, 2010

You guys, I must admit I have no idea if this video is actually the YouTube highlight of today.  We’re still NO STREAMO at work, and my desk is such a black hole for cellphone reception that the YouTube channel on my iPhone 4 never works.  I know, I know: Being white is difficult.  Hot, new internet meme Privilege Denying Dude knows what I’m talking about:

Anyways, here’s a video that I would like to imagine combines two things we can all agree are really pretty special: Catfights and foodstuffs.  Of course, watch this video end up having nothing to do with either.  Pandemonium invariably ensues, everybody takes to the comments to berate me, and then my mom calls to tell me she’s refunded my ticket home for the holidays so she can to buy herself something more satisfying than this video, like Red Velvet cake mix and a bum fight.  So there you have it: YouTube highlight or Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner interweb pandemonium!  Either/or, it’s after the jump and totally worth a gander, yes?

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Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: We’re Fist Pumpin’ in Miami, Bitch! (Or, on the Rest of the Season Premiere)
July 30, 2010

Oh lordy, y’all.  So Jersey Shore‘s second season premiered last night, and much like the above image from Videogum of Snooki and Sammi Sweetheart listening intently to their conchs, it was a strange thing of booze-fueled, sh*t-talking, train-wreck-of-zen beauty, and how could it be anything but?  Let’s discuss a few of my favorite moments, shall we?

Angelina’s returned prompted The Situation to deliver serious FACE:

Truer feelings of utter disbelief, total confusion, and SENSE OF IMPENDING RIDICUDRAMA have never been FACE’d.  Well played, The Situation.  Very well played, indeed.

And let’s not forget when Snooki gave a brief dissertation on revisionist history:

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Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: On the Season Two Trailer
June 30, 2010

At a certain point, I stopped being excited for this train wreck to get back on the air and started being THE MOST excited for this train wreck to get back on the air.  That moment was when Snooki went after Angelina like that bitch stole her pickle.  Because that might be a metaphor about Vinnie’s sausage (hold the peppers), but it might not.

I mean, what can I say?  I might be a sucker for this paragon of grace and beauty:

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The Official Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner Response to Lady Gaga’s “Telephone” ft. Beyoncé
March 12, 2010

Preaction:

Action:

Reaction:

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Our Prayers Have Been Answered! Homecoming Is Finally Coming to DVD
February 9, 2010

I cannot convey to you in words how much this delights me, but DVDActive is reporting that Homecoming is at long last arriving on DVD April 27th.  Obviously this is a good thing because I know we’ve all been waiting an eternity (or since last summer) to witness Mischa Barton channel Kathy Bates in Misery and bring on the crazy in a hardcore way.  And for those of you who haven’t been waiting for Homecoming grace your eyeballs like a thousand golden rays of batshit bonkers sunshine, allow me to repost the trailer to remind you how you live a joyless existence and generally fail at life:

Um, there’s a scene where Mischa Barton takes a bed pan to the face.  The face!  If that doesn’t indicate how much this movie DEMANDS our support, then I don’t know what does.  Also, let’s not forget how Mischa’s currently guesting as a hooker named Gladys on Law & Order: SVU in order to pay the bills.  Girl could probably use the residual check.

Most importantly, though, Homecoming is apparently the movie in which Mischa Barton can has ham sandwich:

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Welcome to 2010! Now Here’s a Lesson in How to Catfight Like a Lady
January 5, 2010

Happy new year/decade, y’all!  Seeing as it’s now January 5th, we should obviously file this under my inimitable sense of blog timeliness, but can you blame me?  You’d be taking your sweet time getting back into the swing of things if you were missing the following deliciousness like the desert misses the rain:

Brokeback Mountain jokes are still relevant in 2010, right?  Whatever.  Between the chicken biscuits and that damn Polynesian sauce that they inexplicably insist on calling Polynesian sauce because I guess that’s less culturally insensitive than “Sweet and Sour sauce” (?), I’m already trying to figure out how I get myself to Paramus, New Jersey just so I can get myself another Chick-fil-A fix.  Don’t judge me.

ANYWAYS, now that we’re back in action, I think it’s appropriate that we discuss the human train wreck that is season four of Bad Girls Club because I just got caught up this weekend.  And because this catfight is the classiest thing I’ve seen in ages:

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TGIF! Now Here’s Some Tranny Wig-Stealing Fierceness
November 20, 2009

There’s a part of me that loves that this video is an actual news story that aired on television.  It’s safe to say that the vampires will sparkle a little brighter in New Moon this weekend because we live in a world that understands the newsworthiness of one tranny stealing another tranny’s wig:  

Most of me, though, loves how she gives such great bitchface even when she’s using her ninja focus and lighting-fast thief mittens to get that wig.  Miss Brazil 2009 most certainly does NOT want to get in front of that queen while going down a flight of stairs.  It can only end with a Nomi Malone.

You can toast DListed for this little slice of fabulous.

These Melrose Place Ads Tell Me All I Need to Know
August 25, 2009

Have you seen the print ads for this fall’s Melrose Place remake?  They’re straight-forward and to the point, and you have to applaud the marketing people at CW for not trying to advertise the show as anything more than the epically trashy shit show that it’ll indubitably be:

6a00d83451d69069e2011572248ef0970b-500wi

This poster says, “Melrose Place is about people that are prettier than you.  Prettier people that are doing it.  Some of them are in ugly shoes.  Others are allergic to shoes.  Oh, and sometimes there are old people, but they’re secondary to the young and pretty people that are doing it.”

But what about the other posters?  How much does the message stray?  Let us take a look:

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Barney Frank Makes America’s Crazies Infinitely More Fun
August 19, 2009

I hate to drop the class bomb on you so unexpectedly, but this woman’s outfit is killing me with its incredible classiness:

class bomb

Nothing says “I am capable of making a well reasoned argument that legitimizes the hyperbolic comparison of a Fascist dictator responsible for ordering the deaths of millions with a President pushing for health care reform” quite like an exposed bra and cut sleeves.  Really, without the cut sleeves and the Flashdance-esque collar, I’m pretty sure I’d just write this woman off as a total crazy.  Actually, I’m pretty sure she’s still a total crazy for wearing such a ridiculous shirt with an infinitely more ridiculous political message, but at least you can spot it from a mile away with that outfit.

This other woman looks well put together and quite sane; however, the second she opens her mount, she puts all doubts to rest:

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Instead of Going to See G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra, Why Not Rent Obsessed?
August 6, 2009

Recessions, y’all.  They’re the worst.  The economy’s a bailout black hole, unemployment rates just seem to keep rising, and movies are a leisure that are increasingly unworthy of the $12.50 price of admission.  Yeesh!  Who wants to pay that much money for a movie about terminating robots, or a movie about transforming robots, or a movie talking guinea pigs (that, given this summer’s crappy movie trend, might also be robots)?  And this weekend we get G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra, which is not about robots, but looks to include robot suits and performances that are equally stiff:

Admittedly this looks more mediocre than flat-out terrible, and one could argue that Sienna Miller’s quip about shoes is a welcomed moment of camp, but mediocrity is rarely worth $12.50.  Instead, might I suggest renting the camp ridiculousness that is Obsessed?  Sure, I already reviewed it months ago, but now it’s out on DVD, and that means you’ve no excuse not to see it!  Just look at Beyonce give good (bitch)face and tell me it’s not worth the meager cost of a rental:

obsessed beyonce face

But wait, there’s more!  So much more!

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Internet, Make (Alternate) Dynasty Happen!
August 3, 2009

Remember yesterday’s nightmare?  How could you forget it?  It’s sadly burnt itself into my memory for all eternity.  Sweet mercy was it the worst!

Fortunately for us, the internet is sorta like Newton’s third law of motion, and so for every nightmarish thing that should not exist there is a brilliantly insane thing that most certainly should exist.  Such is the case of this video for an alternate opening for Dynasty, which envisions what I’m pretty certain is an even better version of Dynasty than the one that already exists.  Seriously:

Mon dieu!  All that genius has temporarily stunted my capacity to speak in English, so I’m stuck with responding in French: 

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¡Pelea de Gatos!
July 29, 2009

If years of watching trash television and camp sensibility have taught me one thing about catfights, it’s this:

dynasty cat fight delightful

Really, nothing makes my heart go pitter patter as I’m thrust into a giggle fit quite like the sight of two women engaged in a ladylike bought of Mortal Kombat.  Whether it involves fistfuls of hair or a mannequin arm beating, your day is guaranteed to never be less than 110% classy when a catfight is involved.  Everything, save for Mad Men (which is perfect, duh), can be improved by a catfight.  So how do you improve on perfection?  Two words: The Gays.

Fortunately, we have the following video, which I’ve been unable to stop watching since I came across it yesterday.  It’s two gay men screaming, slapping, and threatening each other with a flip-flop.  They’re fighting about…something, but it’s never explained, and that only adds to the more-compelling-than-a-train-wreck nature of this video.  Oh, and did I mention it’s all in Spanish?  I’m basically trying to tell you that it’s the apex of batshit craziness en Español, and you absolutely need to see this mess for yourself:

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Damnit, Gossip Girl! How Did You Know That Hilary Duff’s My Kryptonite?
July 1, 2009

Really, for no fathomable reason whatsoever, I’ve loved Hilary Duff ever since the summer I worked at Media Play and this video played on loop ALL DAMN THE TIME:

Is that a rhetorical question?  I don’t have the answer to such an existential question, Duff Duff!  Perhaps I’m crippled by a constant fear of stepping out of my comfort zone and encountering failure?  Maybe I just prefer color yellow over gold?  Really, I can’t say!  HELP ME UNDERSTAND!!!

Anyways, much to my utter (and utterly gay) delight, it’s being reported that Hilary Duff’ll be joining Gossip Girl this fall:

Duff, 21, will play a movie star named Olivia Burke who enrolls at NYU in search of a traditional, out-of-the-spotlight college experience. She will be roommates with Vanessa (played by Jessica Szohr).

Duff will first appear on the hit CW show during next season’s fourth episode, scheduled to air Oct. 5.

I can’t wait for this!  Really, this news is absolutely fabulous in so many different ways.  It means that Vanessa and her terribly styled “hipster” look will finally stop being relegated to selling us Dove soap during commercial breaks, which is nice because I really like her as a character even though the show never seems to know what the hell to do with her (except for disappearing to sell soap).  

This also means that Vanessa’s holier-than-thou-‘cos-I’m-from-Brooklyn attitude is now going to have a head on collision with a bona fide celebrity.  I smell GG catfight!  We’re going to see her turn up her knows so high that we’ll be able to count her boogers, but then of course Vanessa and the Duffster will become besties two scenes after their conflict is established because the narrative slow-burn is an art completely lost on the Gossip Girl writers.  Whatever.

Mostly, though, there’s something greater and infinitely more important that this news means, and do you want to know what it is?

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Things That Should Not Exist: This “Slut Barbie” YouTube Video
June 22, 2009

I can wrap my head around a lot of things.  Like this Barbie, for example:

black_canary_barbie.jpg

Black Canary is a DC superhero, so a Barbie for nerds makes sense, but I’d rather pretend that this is actually an homage to Marianne Faithfull in The Girl on a Motorcycle.  Whatever works.

I can also understand the below video’s existence insofar as I guess it’s a relatively normal thing to make Barbies have sex.  It’s a rather harmless way of exploring sexual relations and identity in your developmental years.  Puberty, with all its changes and urges and general confusion, is a total bitch; so if making your Barbies have sex is a safe and comfortable way to make sense of your burgeoning sexuality, then by all means go right ahead.

Nevertheless, this isn’t that sort of thing.

This is a full on six-minute narrative, replete with duplicitous behavior, man whoring, and catfights.  The unprecedented levels of batshit insanity surrounding this video’s very existence will blow your mind on multiple occasions, but it’s nevertheless totally worth watching.  “Slut Barbie” is very much real, debatably not safe for work, and absolutely profound.  PREPARE YOURSELF:

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Here’s the Greatest Catfight Ever to Hold You Over ‘Til the Obsessed Review Posts
April 27, 2009

obsessed-ridics

Were you one of the many who helped contribute to the $28.5 million opening weekend box office for Obsessed?  I know I was, and we can all agree that it was one fabulous mess of a movie that I for certain will not be getting over any time soon.  Hopefully Hollywood gets it right and realizes that this movie’s success is not just because it’s a Beyonce vehicle; it succeeded because it plays like the love child between Fatal Attraction and Lakeview Terrace.  If their love child just so happened to eat paint chips, natch.  Beyonce starring in it is just diva icing on the awesome cake.

Anyways, there’s just so much to talk about with Obsessed that I plan to take my sweet freakin’ time writing up that review.  So, in the mean time, let me leave you with the most incredible catfight the world has ever witnessed.  It comes from Dynasty, but that should come as no surprise to catfight connoisseurs:

The catfight in Obsessed sadly pales in comparison to this one.  Nobody gets beaten over the head with a mannequin’s arm, the Beyonce/Ali brawl doesn’t at any point devolve into a glitter fight, and Ms. Sasha Fierce certainly doesn’t try to choke a white bitch with a pink feather boa.  Then again, nobody’s perfect.

Beyonce should take notes on this clip for Obsessed 2: This Time I’ll Show You Even Crazier, which is a movie that we can all recognize must be made.  Immediately.  Get to work, Hollywood!  America has spoken, and it wants more bitch fights!

What Do You Mean Obsessed Wasn’t Prescreened for Critics?
April 24, 2009

Never mind that I’ve got a heightened case of the Fridays given that, after a seemingly interminable winter, spring has finally quit it with the false starts and seems to officially be upon us.  I seriously just want to skip down the streets singing “Put on Your Sunday Clothes” from Hello, Dolly! while doing my very best jazz hands.  It should be illegal to keep offices open on a day like today.  Illegal, I say!

Anywhosie, all of that’s only compounding the fact that I’m already way too excitable about getting off of work today to go see Obsessed.  Now, of course, Rotten Tomatoes has gone and added the last, yet most integral, seasoning to turn Obsessed into a perfectly crafted CannotWait Stew.  As of this morning, this is the Rotten Tomatoes score for Obsessed:

obsessed-rt1

Yes, that’s correct.  Do not adjust your monitor or question the prescription strength of your contacts or glasses.  Obsessed, the movie that has clearly revealed itself as 2009’s first great (camp) film, has NOT been prescreened for critics.  I know, I know.  I’m in a state of utter shock that Hollywood doesn’t have enough faith in the movie that’s obviously containing some of the year’s best performances and sexiest moments.  This just goes to prove what we’ve long suspected: movie critics are nothing more than a bunch of uptight, old biddies that wouldn’t know a good movie if it bit them on the ass.  

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What Sort of Insanity Will Obsessed Be?
April 23, 2009

Well, if the content of this clip allows us in any way to preemptively make a call on it, I’m going to qualify Obsessed in the category of “insaniest insanity”:

This is obviously the tip of the iceberg, but it’s already quite clear that catfight climax of Obsessed is going to be one for the ages.  If a lamp is part of the makeshift weaponry this early in the game, you know it’s going to get more absurd (and therefore incredible) as the scene goes on. 

I’m also glad to see that Beyonce’s performance is more Sasha Fierce than Foxxy Cleopatra.  She really has quite a wonderful plethora of I’m-gonna-cutta-bitchfaces.  I hope she explains the nuanced differences in a commentary track or special feature on the dvd!  

And, judging from the next clip, it’s nice to know that Ali Larter is really quite consistent when delivering her balls-to-walls ridiculous performance.  A particularly magical moment starts at 1:28:

“Make it filthy” needs to become my new cellphone ring.  I’m pretty convinced that Ali Larter needs to be my best friend, provided that she stays in character whenever we hang out.  Every new clip is like a different Pokemon of batshit insanity, and I’ve just got this overwhelming urge telling me I’ve gotta catch them all.  And, oh, shall I ever.

An instant camp classic is soon among us!  Obsessed is out tomorrow, y’all!

PS: I tingle as the waves of profundity wash over me when he pontificates about Ali Larters character by suggesting, “In a way, she’s monstrous.”  Can we please give this movie’s director an honorary PhD in Film Studies from Le Duh University?

Obsessed Looks to Make Our Wildest Trash-Movie Dreams Come True
March 26, 2009

If you haven’t seen the trailer yet, you really must.  It’s the sort of epic, über-trashtastic nonsense that Hollywood should make more of a commitment to if they insist on giving us terrible movies.  We do not need more Paul Blart: Mall Cops or Meet Daves; we need more of this utter garbage.  I’m not even kidding.  Just look at this train wreck:

RRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrKRASH!  In case you were wondering, that’s the sound of a train wreck.  Duh.

I can’t seem to decide what part of the trailer I like most, so I’ve decided that I simply adore all of it.  There are some highlights that must be pointed out, elements that completely convince me that you’ll have a six-pack by the end of this movie because you’ve been laughing so hard and so frequently.  For example:

  • The fact that this movie is essentially Fatal Attraction but without any insane sex scenes because this movie is only PG-13.  I didn’t put on pervy-pants today (I’m wearing my corduroy boot-cut pants, actually), but these movies can’t work if they aren’t erotic, and the lack of sex is likely going to make this movie as erotic as watching the ink on an abstinence pamphlet dry; fortunately, a lack of eroticism in a sex thriller is a guarantee for laughs.  We call this the Cinematic Law of Body of Evidence.  
  • Ali Larter’s seduction moves in this movie are pure genius.  It’s a potent mixture of Dakota Moss and Nomi Malone.  Between her bathroom attack and the writhing about in the car, I’m pretty certain she’s the only person in this mess that’s well aware of what kind of movie she’s in.  Her performance alone looks to be worth the price of a ticket.  
  • Jerry O’Connell doing the finger gun gesture.  The finger gesture is never appropriate.
  • Hell, the fact that Jerry O’Connell is in this at all is kinda blowing my mind.  I really liked him in Scream 2 and Scanners, so I’m glad to see he’s still working; still, I thought he’d been relegated to terrible Lifetime movies.  I guess his theatrical film career is getting is getting another go with Beyonce vehicles that probably should’ve remained Lifetime movies.  
  • Oh, how can I forget?  Ali Larter sinisterly holding the baby is brazilliant.  I’m glad they’ve thrown a dash of The Hand That Rocks the Cradle into the narrative mix; it really is like a dash of smoked paprika in this bad movie stew.  She doesn’t just want the guy’s body, y’all.  SHE WANTS BEYONCE’S LIFE!  Scary.
  • Mostly, though, there’s the catfight.  The epic catfight that destroys Beyonce’s beautiful house.  It’s like Russ Meyer on crack rock.

So, yeah, Obsessed.  It comes out April 24th, and Internet Movie Database claims the movie’s working title was Oh No She Didn’t.  How do you say no to that?

Oh, right.  You don’t.

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