Come for the Worcestershire, Stay for the Cake: It’s Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Third Birthday!
February 3, 2012

It’s been three whole years since I first broke blog ground (with a post about Worcestershire sauce, no less), so it seems only necessary to mark this most special occasion with a video about both the history and making of Worcestershire sauce. It’s as fascinating as much as it now makes perfect sense why I love the stuff. Old things and onions and garlic and tamarind and a secret blend of spices? How very all-my-favorite-flavors-I-love-meets-the-Colonel’s-Kentucky-Fried-Chicken. PUT IT IN MY MOUTH, PLEASE!

And look, if Worcestershire sauce isn’t your thing (though why wouldn’t it be?), there’s also cake! A very special GIF cake I made to mark the day, no less:

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Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Monster Mouth Corner: Eat a Donut Bacon Cheeseburger
March 29, 2010

Look, I’ve got nothing against all-natural produce, but we can’t always just eat an organic pear.  Sometimes we need something more.  Sometimes we need savory as well as sweet.  Sometimes we need throw caution to the wind and say, “Fuck it all: I’ll eat Cheerios and Lipitor the rest of this week if I must, but tonight I want to live!”  Sometimes, dear readers, we need to eat a donut bacon cheeseburger, which is precisely what I did this weekend.  Behold the epitome of gluttony and the pinnacle of modern culinary innovation, made by my own two hands:

donut bacon cheeseburger gloriousness

Now, having actually had the high-calorie, fatty food food equivalent of a gang bang, I can tell you the following things about the donut bacon cheeseburger with great certainty:

  1. Despite allegations otherwise, the donut bacon cheeseburger is not a sign of the apocalypse.  It is glorious.
  2. In fact, the donut bacon cheeseburger is so mind-blowingly scrumptious that I’d reckon this is the Harbinger of Deliciousness, a veritable Jesus Burger that has come from the heavens above to rid the world of size-zero pants and preach the gospel of elastic waistbands.
  3. My vision of Heaven is most likely the 9th circle of Hell for vegetarians.  In certain fundamentalist vegan Christian circles, I am now the front runner for the Antichrist.  I guess even the irresistible temptations of a donut bacon cheeseburger can’t win ’em all.

The rest of my experience is a bit more of a blur, so at this point we have to pause so you can decide if you want to take the donut bacon cheeseburger pill or the boring pill.  How far down this culinary rabbit hole of batshit insanity and morbid obesity do you want to go?  Oh, who am I kidding?  Red pill it is!

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The Bestest: The Video for “Laid” Was Apparently Filmed Inside My Head
February 28, 2009

I’d never really picked-up on the band James, but I always knew their song “Laid” as that pop song I liked that was in the trailer for American Pie.  Then today I was perusing wikipedia to see what other bands Brian Eno has produced, and a Manchester band by the name of James was mentioned.  If U2 and Coldplay hold any sort of proof positive, it’s that Brian Eno is the Worcestershire sauce for UK rock: he makes them just taste better.  So imagine my surprise when I came upon this little candy-colored, acid-laced cupcake of nostalgic awesomeness:

I’m quite glad that I never saw this video before today because I’m pretty sure I would’ve just been confused, but now it’s just a checklist of things that I love, including but not limited to:

  • Jacques Demy-esque pastels
  • Fancifully energetic frontmen
  • Dolly zooms (aka the Vertigo zoom; see 0:26 and 1:14 in the video)
  • 50s kitsch set decoration, costuming, and general aesthetic ambience
  • Subtitles in a music video
  • Gender roles
  • Drag

Then there’s this shot, which might be the most formally brilliant shot.  Ever:

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The Bestest: Worcestershire Sauce Edition
February 3, 2009

ttar_worcestershiresauce_01_v_launch2

While the primary intention of this blog is to be a source of movie reviews (albeit with the occasional tangential diatribe), I’ve decided–for reasons beyond all logic–that my Christening post should be about the wonder that is the Worcestershire.  Go figs.

Anywhosey, Worcestershire indubitably makes everything better, hence it being the Bestest.  Soups?  You betcha.  Hamburgers?  Without a doubt!   Gravy?  Mmmmyesplease!!!  Ice cream?  Don’t see why not.  Seriously, were it not for the fact that it’s apparently “socially unacceptable” (whatever the hell that means), I’d bathe in that shit, and I would smell DELICIOUS.

Also, Worcestershire sauce is the secret ingredient to zombies.  Seriously: Bestest.

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