I think it’s safe to say that our collective Sia love dates back to when her song “Breathe Me” brought all the tears to the finale of Six Feet Under, but I can’t help but feel that our collective Sia love is about to go into overdrive. The video for “Chandelier” as become a viral sensation, and her new album 1000 Forms of Fear is out today AND IT’S GREAT. I may be too old to know what an Arianna Grande is (though if it tastes like a pumpkin spice latte, I’ll make it a Venti), but we’re never too old for the Summer of Sia, and here’s her live performance on Jimmy Kimmel Live of “Elastic Heart” to prove it: Read the rest of this entry »
Call me Lermontov, but Greta Gerwig is so charming that I want her to never stop dancing, ever. She could be like the indie darling Victoria Page, except without that tragic mess with the train. But I digress…
The YouTube Music Awards aired this past Sunday, and I missed them. Mostly because I tend to spend my Sundays in the company of lesbians, but also because I’m an Old who does not like change. Besides, the Crotchety Old Queen Prevention Hotline (1-888-NO-BITCH) stopped taking my calls, so I can’t afford yet another award show leaving me bewildered by the popular zeitgeist. Nope and no thank you! Now fetch me my vegan and gluten-free prune juice!
Anyways, I nevertheless tracked down Arcade Fire’s performance, because when I’m not being an old lesbian, I’m being an old lesbian hipster. Greta Gerwig dances, Spike Jonze directs, and while it might sound like an all-you-can-twee buffet, it’s really quite delightful:
One might imagine that Miley Cyrus’s “Wrecking Ball” and Nicolas Cage should go together like ice cream sundaes and sausage gravy, yet somehow this works…if your work is in sex nightmares.
And yes, I know I’m the last person on the interwebs to hop on this whole Miley Cyrus thing, but like a twerk monster to the flame of heavy machinery, I just couldn’t resist with this mess of a video. After all, much like a modern-day Oscar Wilde, I have the simplest tastes.
I am always satisfied with the worst.
Well what in the world got into her holy ghost?
Now maybe I’m a little too touched by an angel (as played by Joan Crawford), but ooh girl, this GIF is takin’ me to church! It’s like somebody turned the water into wine and that wine into GRAVY! Praise the Lord and pass the biscuits, ‘cos I’m eating it up!
The power of Christ compels you…to clutch your pearls!!!
[GIF via queerrilla]
Obviously this is a very important thing we should all (holida-ay!) celebrate, but whatever you do, girl, do not get her hydrangeas. You know how she feels about hydrangeas…
Happy birthday, Madge!
Oh, girl. Last night, I saw 1958′s Bell, Book and Candle for the very first time. It’s a bit of a trifle, but what a trifle it is! And it’s also apparently an allegory for pre-Stonewall homosexuality? Okay! Anyways, it’s about a witch who casts a spell on a publisher so he’ll fall in love with her. It stars Kim Novak as the witch and James Stewart as the publisher. Most importantly, though, it stars Kim Novak’s eyebrows as the world’s most clutch-your-pearls! perfect eyebrows. EVER:
DON’T YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?!?!? PERFECTION.
Separately, Kim Novak’s eyebrows are like two oversized, painted silk pillows of exquisitely arched exaggeration; together, they’re a plush velvet fainting chaise of eyebrow eleganza handcrafted to cradle my weary heart.
As paradigms shifted swishily, it seemed only reasonable I have a series of visceral reaction. Shock! Delight! Giggles! Vapors! Intrigue! Ecstasy! Obsession! Love. You know, FEELINGS.
I was certain but nothing could top this eyebrow high, this highbrow, if you will. But then, like the space scientists in Prometheus or dinner reservations at Guy Fieri’s Times Square restaurant, I was wrong. I was so wrong.
You see, last night, I dreamt of Kim Novak’s eyebrows.
Don’t worry, y’all! When David Hasselhoff croons in this commercial that he’s thirsty for “love,” it’s actually a super sexy double entendre for “iced coffee,” so depending on how deep your river of feelings for the Hoff runneth, you’ll only maaaybe recall that one time in Düsseldorf so many years ago when too many espresso body shots led to you and a strapping West Berlin backpacker named Hans both doing things you promised each other you’d never do again. Mostly because he liked dudes, and you liked not pegging.
But I digress.
After the jump is a commercial starring David Hasselhoff for Cumberland Farms Farmhouse blend iced coffee, which is apparently available for any size at 99¢. I’m not entirely sure, though, because my brain broke from how utterly f*cking batsh*t this thing is. It’s like somebody tried to ferment a rancid Old Spice commercial in an acid bag of coffee beans. Case in point: the above screen grab of the Hoff blowing you a kiss while holding an iced coffee and riding a jet ski. In front of dolphins. DOLPHINS. And that’s just the tip of this iced coffee crazyberg! What I’m trying to say is that you should watch this thing. It’s glorious: