Who’s That (Blog) Girl?
June 25, 2009

As of last night, the second most important paradigm shift in your life (after the immaculate conception of fabulousness/ridiculousness that is this blog, DUH) happened like a big bolt of fierceness from the heavens above.    I’m officially the flamboyantly gay version of Emperor Palpatine, and I have taken on an apprentice; and while I won’t hesitate to cut said bitch if they dare to throw me into a Death Star reactor, it’s safe to say that all of our lives have gotten an always welcome shot of more-fabulous.

But who is this lucky lady?  Well, I’ll say this much: It ain’t Madonna circa the 1987 reworking of Bringing Up Baby.  No no:

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Fact of the Day: Zachary Quinto Makes Everything Sexier
June 12, 2009

It’s common knowledge that Zachary Quinto’s one seriously delicious piece of man:

zachary quinto swoon

It’s also common knowledge that, no matter what he does, he sets the world’s loins afire.  Can you blame Uhura for wanting to get it on with his Spock in Star Trek?  Nope.  Even eating superhero brains in Heroes can’t act as a deterrent to his dangerously high levels of sexy.  I feel like he could play Nazi that kicks puppies and hates babies, but I’d still gladly play hausfrau so long as he please not talk about work at the dinner table; he knows how it ruins my appetite for spätzle.

Needless to say, Mr. Quinto continues his tyrannical reign of sexy with this inexplicable 56-second video.  It doesn’t make damn drop of sense and probably constitutes a total waste of milk, which is obviously ridiculous to waste because WE’RE IN A RECESSION, but that doesn’t stop me from getting a fierce case of the vapors:  

OH, THE VAPORS!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to watch this on loop for the next hour.

Cheers to Best Week Ever for finding this sexy thing, whatever precisely it may be.

It’s Official: You Can Now Chew My Blog
June 12, 2009

Sometimes brevity is the soul of wit, and this is one of those times.  Seriously, I just thought you should know that you can take the deliciousness that is my blog anywhere you go:

bigger bitch gum

When you think about it, the fact that it tastes like fruit is all too fitting.

Things That Should Not Exist: This Pillsbury Doughboy Video
June 4, 2009

Perhaps it’s just me, but the Pillsbury Doughboy is the stuff of nightmares.  Like nannerpuss, he’s supposed to sell a product, but instead just creeps the living hell out of me.  Don’t get me wrong: I love me some Pillsbury products.  They’re delicious.  Hell, one time in undergrad I ate their croissant dough.  Literally, the dough.  Without baking it.  Because I’m a human garbage disposal like that.  But I digress.

Anyways, while you might see this:

doughboy

I look at the Doughboy and see THIS:

149921_f260

He’s no mascot; he’s a dough monster!  I wouldn’t be surprised if he stays so plump by feasting on human flesh and adorable puppies.  He probably bakes children into meat pies using Pillsbury Frozen Deep Dish Pie Crusts and makes Funfetti-and-kitten cupcakes.  Seriously, how is this woman not fearing for her very life?  She’s clearly a braver soul than I.

Fortunately I found a support group for my phobia today.  It’s a 12-step program, and it involves watching this video, taking 5 minutes to realize that it’s a real video that–fake or not–was actually conceived and executed by someone, and then replaying it 10 more times:

I’m sorry, but did he just poop a croissant?  He just pooped a croissant!   Hahahahaha, AGAIN!

Doctor, I’m cured!

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised Via Vlogs; or, Against “Fuck You”
May 5, 2009

Supposedly this video has been making the rounds today on the internet; and I’ve been told that, in particular, this was THE Facebook video for the gays.  I’m not sure precisely sure what it is other than painfully frustrating, but give it a go and see how far you can make it.  I made it 41-seconds in before I had to stop it.  Let’s see how much of it you can take (oh, and by the by, the language is definitely not safe for work):

Insofar as this video is making a statement against homophobia, that’s great.  I’m glad to see that the internet is being used as a tool to connect members from various parts of the world into a digital community.  The interwebs are exciting, and this is the future y’all!  These young queers are certainly making the most of it, and that’s a wonderful thing.  Metaphorically speaking, these kids are like Queer 2.0, and I’m just running on Homos ’95.

So then why then am I so bothered by this video?  Is it the fact our operating systems might simply not be compatible, so to speak?  Or perhaps is it the fact that watching people vlog makes me quite uncomfortable with the extreme exhibitionism of it all?

Whatever the case, let’s discuss:

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Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry (to the Other Passengers on a Crowded MTA Car)
April 21, 2009

Back when I first started working, I relied upon my iPod and the occasional book to entertain me during my morning commute into the city from Brooklyn.  Then one day, I spotted them: the PDA Couple.  Chances are that if you’ve ever ridden a subway in New York City, you’ve encountered one of their kind at one point or another.  There are plenty of Drunken Hipster PDA Couples that you can spot on the L train late at night on the weekends, so those aren’t really unusual.  In fact, they’re really quite common.  This couple, my PDA Couple, however, was special.

pda-couple(artist’s interpretation; not actual PDA couple, though these people are totally classy in their own right)

Like some magical clockwork we’d find each other in the same cart at least a few times a week.  They’d be pressed up against the doors of the train, dressed for their respectable adult jobs while making out like they were middle schoolers who’d just discovered the rapturous pleasures of first base.  Every morning that I’d see them, the air must’ve been filled with a strange magnetism that inexplicably brought them into my line of vision and quite explicably brought me to near tears/vomiting.  There love was moving to behold, inspiring to the bitter and heartbroken, and completely inappropriate for 7:50 in the morning.  This ballet of romantic mutual delight continued for months, and everyday it was a train wreck of passion from which, once spotted, I could never turn away.

Then, one terrible day, I stopped seeing them.  Nothing had changed in my schedule, so I knew something was amiss on their end.  I grew frightened.

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We Can All Agree: Gabe Delahaye is a Dreamboat Among Men
March 28, 2009

In my utter commitment to blabbering on about absolutely nothing of any relevance, I bring you the latest installment of Gabe and Max’s Guide to Man Style, which I stumbled upon over at Videogum:

Admittedly, this isn’t the funniest of their clips, but it’s still fabulous and with just enough homoeroticism to send me into a fit of vapors.  No, the funniest would have to go to their video on dining and wine, which might be the most brilliant thing I’ve ever seen (which might indicate that I don’t get out much):

Given my proclivity for cooking and fondness for dinner parties, I think my next party should indeed be themed “Erotic Nightmare.”  Whatever precisely that is.  I’ll figure it out after I’ve successfully hosted my “Divas of Classic Hollywood” dinner party.

Anywhosie, the real point of this blabberfest is to point out the terribly obvious fact that these two men are comedic geniuses, and also the even more obvious fact that Gabe is the dreamiest thing known to (gay) mankind.  When I say this to people, I get looks of extreme confusion, but it’s really quite obvious:

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