Who Rewatches Watchmen? (I Do.)
March 24, 2016

watchmen

In “anticipation” of Zack Snyder’s latest dour ‘n desaturated super hero action orgy, Bats v. Supes: More Titles Plz, I decided to rewatch Watchmen, because I kinda liked it before, I was curious how it’d hold up, and I wasn’t yet in the mood to rewatch Man v. Steel: More Fur Pecs Plz. Some cries for help can wait until the weekend.

As such, here are some scant thoughts I had upon revisiting Zack Snyder’s first foray in superhero cinema:

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The New Trailer for the Remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street Is Almost Perfect. I Said ALMOST.
February 25, 2010

After months of anticipation and a near stint at streetwalking, we’ve finally been blessed with a new trailer for the new A Nightmare on Elm Street.  So let’s all put down those ho boots and wipe off that lipstick and watch this thing:

I don’t want to sound like an ungrateful bitch or anything, but really?  Stop being mean, New Line Cinema!  This isn’t a trailer; it’s a cruel two-and-a-half-minute assault on my last fraying strand of patience.  I mean, my old-fashioned ass may prefer Wes Craven’s use of practical effects to have Freddy come through the wall:

Over this:

But I’m not going to shed crybaby tears over the CGI because then I might as well just be saying, “Wah, I’m OLD.”  The fact is that I love everything about this trailer except for the whole waiting two more months part.  That part’s the worst.

Like I said, though, no crybaby tears.  Mostly because the film’s look is winning me over, and Jackie Earle Haley’s Freddy Krueger is seriously freaking my shit out.  But let’s not lie.  There’s also this incentive to see the new A Nightmare on Elm Street:

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At Last! My Hopes for a New Nightmare on Elm Street Remake Trailer Have Been Answered. Sorta
February 23, 2010

Out of respect to the small yet loyal blog audience that regularly indulges my crazy, I’ve avoided incessantly rants about my increasingly impatient yearning for a new trailer for the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street.  Why?  Because even I’m aware of how much that would start to drag ass.  

That said, ever since the teaser trailer showed up last fall and made me change my mind about this whole affair, I’ve been hungry for more, and now we’re two months from its release without any news of another trailer in sight, which means I’ve been a hot second away from turning tricks on the street corner for even a little Nightmare on Elm Street remake somethin’ somethin’.

Fortunately for my sense of dignity and everyone else’s eyes, ComingSoon.net has a quick fix in the form of a new teaser poster:

nightmare on elm street remake teaser poster 2

Sure, this is basically the first teaser poster except now it’s all about Face whereas before it was about Glove, but you know what?  I’ll take it.  Desperate times call for desperate measures, y’all.  Particularly when fishnets and hooker heels really aren’t your best look.  

Oh, and while we’re at it, ShockTillYouDrop.com has gathered some new promo stills from over at MovieGod.de.  Let’s go take a peek and see what we can figure out:

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Why Must Shutter Island Continue to Look Amazing/Be Unreleased?
October 6, 2009

Hey, y’all.  You know what movie was supposed to come out this past weekend but didn’t come out this past weekend?  This one:

shutter island

UGH.  I was so excited about this movie coming out, but Paramount apparently hates us, so now we have to wait ’til February.  Boo.  And now there’s a new trailer for Shutter Island?  One perfectly constructed to again remind us how great this movie is going to be?  Oh, and also about how it’s still MONTHS AND MONTHS AWAY?  Double boo!

Oh well.  I guess if we’re going to have to now wait ’til February, we might as well enjoy this new trailer, so let’s make like a masochist and salt this wound: 

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The Nightmare on Elm Street Remake Now Has a Trailer. Let’s All Discuss
September 28, 2009

So this is still most definitely happening:

nightmareonefull-thumb-480x710-3195

And, yes, I may have in the past been a little harsh when it comes to the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street.  Okay, I’ve definitely been really harsh.  But whatever.  I can’t help myself.  I’m inclined to be protective of the horror films that I hold dear.  That, and I have a tendency to become hyperbolically bitchy when it comes to defending said films from the clutches of Hollywood remakery.  These things happen.

Anywhosie, the first official trailer for the remake has splattered itself all over the interwebs (get it?  It’s a horror pun.  ‘Cos this blog is the face of sophisticated, erudite humor. Le duh.), so let’s all watch and reassess the situation based upon the latest evidence.  After all, that’s how scientists and the cast of CSI: Miami do things in the real world:

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I’m Already Underwhelmed by the Nightmare on Elm Street Remake
July 24, 2009

It’s Friday.  Barely anybody’s in the office at work on account of summer Friday, and the phones are hardly ringing for the very same reason.  Added to that, I’ve already gorged on McDonald’s for breakfast, and I plan on devouring a Cosi tuna melt for lunch.  Oh, and the highly anticipated  (by me) ridicufest that is Orphan is out today.  You would think that, what with this perfect storm of things that make me happy, I could put my bitchery stew on the back burner for a day.  Hahahaha, NEVER.  The bitchery stew never stops cooking, y’all.  Somedays it’s just spicier than others.

That all said, I must admit that my initial fury of the Nightmare on Elm Street remake has lessened as I’ve come to accept three things: This remake is going to happen no matter how much I detest its existence, Jackie Earle Haley is pretty much the best person to play Freddy Kruger, and I’m going to end up seeing this movie no matter how bad the reviews are.  I simply can’t be bothered to learn from my mistakes.  

And at long last, the first image of Haley’s Freddy Kruger has finally wandered its way onto the internet, but you know what?  Meh:

nightmare on meh street

I really want to be enthusiastic about because this movie doesn’t have to suck.  Hell, done right, it’s entirely possible it could be good!  But this doesn’t really look good.  Don’t get me wrong, Jackie Earle Haley will probably be a great Freddy Krueger, but I personally feel that the iconic look of the striped sweater and fedora belong to Robert Englund.  As far as I’m concerned, if you’re going to replace him, you need to reinvent the look as well.  

I’m not saying Hollywood needs to abandon the whole look and start from scratch, but this feels entirely too safe.  It doesn’t look like Jackie Earle Haley is creating a new Freddy Krueger; it just looks like he’s dressing up for Halloween in an outfit he borrowed from Robert Englund.  I get that hoping for a little artistic originality from a remake, let alone a remake produced by Michael Bay, is a foolish hope; nevertheless, I was at least expecting something a little more imaginative and a little less like a shoddy bootleg of the original.  Something, in short, like this:

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Shutter Island is Already My New Favorite Movie
June 11, 2009

I didn’t wake up this morning expecting my brain to fall straight out of my asshole this morning, but it totally did.  Movie magic tends to move me in mysterious ways.  And, really, Shutter Island looks to be totally magical:

I’m sorry, but if I had my way, it’d be a federal crime to make a movie that looks this good.  Yes, Martin Scorsese’s one of American cinema’s all-time great directors, and the fact that he’s still making consistently good–if not flat out excellent–movies this late in his career is only further proof of his talent.  Added to that, the man loves himself some Powell and Pressburger, so it’s pretty much impossible to make a case against his greatness.  It also doesn’t hurt that he’s the world’s most adorable old man:

Martin Scorcese adorable

Don’t you wish they made Pocket Scorseses that you could take everywhere and would tell you all about the rich history of film?  I know I do.

ANYWAYS, in spite of Martin Scorsese’s all-around and totally indisputable greatness/cuteness, I’ve gotta say I hate him for making this movie because it’s not out yet.  Just look at the cast!  Leonardo Dicaprio and Mark Ruffalo and Ben Kingsley and Michelle Williams and Max von Sydow and Patricia Clarkson and Jackie Earle Haley and Emily Mortimer and Elias Koteas?  All together in one gorgeous looking, gloriously pulpy detective movie/supernatural thriller that’s apparently littered with film references?  I caught references to The Red Shoes and Psycho just in the trailer, so I can only imagine what’s in the rest of the movie.  It’s like Christmas, but sooner.  And better.  And as a movie.

But October 2nd?  For real, Martin Scorsese?  Not fair.  I’ve spent far too many months anxiously anticipating total garbage like Obsessed and Powder Blue!  All my patience is spent as is!  The fact that Shutter Island looks like an actual good movie only makes things infinitely worse.  I love you, Mr. Scorsese, but that’s not going to stop me from cursing your name until this movie is out in theaters.

So, yeah, Shutter Island, y’all.  It’s the awesome-straw that broke my patience-camel back.

The Day of the Locust is Unmitigated Insanity of the Highest Sort
May 4, 2009

It’s no secret that I’ve a penchant for movies that movies that are curious and over the top.  I’m an ardent obsessive of camp, and I revel in movies that flaunt their mad visions and embrace their craziest whims.  I love the movies that have never said “no” to a bad idea or considered that they might be crossing a line.  Hell, I’ve practically made it my quest to mine the coal of film’s expansive history in order to find the most glittering diamonds of batshit insanity.  Well, ladies and gentleman, I’ve already found what may the Hope Diamond of this journey.  I give you The Day of the Locust, a movie somehow far stranger than this surreal, French poster for the film:

rr_0008day-of-the-locust-posters

 

Oh, and it’s infinitely more garish than the America poster would imply:

day_of_the_locust

Still unconvinced?  Let me just give you a taste of the craze.  Let’s go watch aspiring starlet Faye Greener (Karen Black) get in a fight with her sickly father (Burgess Meredith):

I don’t know whether to laugh at the garish campiness of the performances or have nightmares for the rest of my life, but it’s captivatingly bizarre no matter your reaction, and believe me when I say that this scene is merely the tip of iceberge that is John Schlessinger’s epic, gonzo vision of Hollywood as the festering epicenter of failed dreams and a society in rapid decline.  There’s also (for example, yet impressively enough not limited to) the sublimely grotesque yet perversely compelling pleasures of Burgess Meredith’s heart attack at Donald Sutherland’s house, the church scene, Karen Black doing tequila shots (itself one of the profoundly ridiculous moments in cinema), and the cock fighting scene.  Seriously, I don’t know why you’d even bother finishing this reviews before putting it at the top of your Netflix queue.  Trust me.

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Having Now Seen Watchmen I Can Attest That I’ve No Idea What I’ve Seen
March 10, 2009

Well, Watchmen came out this weekend, and so we can now safely say that Billy Crudup’s CGI-enhanced blue full monty and Malin Akerman’s inimitable understanding of “acting” (apparently a mixture of reciting lines like English is your second language and posing like a crime-fighting tranny robot) have safely entered the pop-culture vernacular.  I’m not entirely certain either, particularly the latter, opens any useful conversations in our cultural discourse, but at least we’ve expanded our vocabulary, y’all!  And to paraphrase the great beacon of 20th century philosophical genius, Nomi Malone, Watchmen doesn’t suck, so I’ll freely admit it:

watchmen-review

Let’s clarify, though, in that I said “not too bad.”  I neglected to use words like “exceptional” or “awesome” or even (most disappointingly to me) “campalicious.”  I’ve also neglected to utilize phrases like “tonally consistent” or “narratively coherent in any way that resembles a movie” because Watchmen is completely lacking in any of those qualities.  Hell, Watchmen doesn’t even qualify as a movie so much as an explosion of adolescent id and existential angst moving on screen at 24-frames-per-second.

Yes, there are scenes, and when taken in the order presented in the film, these scenes seem to resemble a plot.  The problem, though, is that each scene is so hyperbolically extreme in style and, when compared to scenes before and afterward, contradictory in terms of emotion and feel, that the resulting product feels schizophrenic and unhinged.  Snyder dials the violence up to 11 (arms are graphically sawn off with hacksaws and punches are capable of causing compound fractures) and the sex up to ridiculous (the howlingly bad sex scene between Ackerman and Patrick Wilson is Cinemax-grade soft-core porn with a Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” providing the soundtrack and a firing of the flame-thrower on Night Owl’s jet to signal their climax; all parties involved should be thoroughly shamed for that one), yet there are also unexpected moments of beauty in this behemoth.    

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