Happy National Puppy Day from Joan Crawford, Her Shih Tzu, and a Dog’s Reaction to Elizabeth Taylor
March 23, 2016

joan crawford 1976 shih tzu princess lotus blossom

While perhaps technically not puppy talk, I think National Puppy Day is as good a time as any to draw everyone’s attention to this 1976 photograph of Joan Crawford taken by John Engstead. Besides, it’s Joan Crawford’s birthday, too, so it’s definitely apropos.

This is among the last publicized photos of Joan, and more importantly, it’s with her shih tzu, Princess Lotus Blossom, which is a perfect name for any dog, but particularly a shih tzu, and most particularly a shih tzu owned by Joan Crawford.

Yes, Princess Lotus Blossom. Let it roll off your tongue, paws pause for appreciation, and let it stay with you. Princess Lotus Blossom. Positively perfect in every way.

And if you’d rather with a nonsense pet video to celebrate National Puppy Day, this little corner of the internet where camp is queen can inexplicably cover that, too, because here’s a video of a dog reacting to a great Elizabeth Taylor moment:

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Happy Pi Day, Everybody!
March 14, 2016

Mildred Pierce pie

My mother, a waitress! Aren’t the pis bad enough? Did you have to degrade us? (Don’t answer that.)

[pic via Bitch Flicks]

And Now For a Dose of Pure Crazy: Joan Crawford, Gender Enigma
March 13, 2016

its joan crawford mildred pierce trailer gender enigma

Several years back, I read David Bret’s Joan Crawford: Hollywood Martyr, and it was insane. As celebrity bios go, it’s like someone decided to set the record straight about Joan Crawford using Wikipedia synopses of her filmography, a nagging feeling that says “CHRISTINA’S WRONG”, a whole lotta moxie, and a well-read copy of Kenneth Anger’s Hollywood Babylon. Really, I’m still not sure what the rumor about Ramon Novarro and the black marble dildo from his alleged lover Rudolph Valentino was doing in a biography about Joan Crawford, but it did keep things more interesting.

My point is I’m more than familiar with trashy and ridiculous rumors about Joan Crawford and early Hollywood’s general sordidness, but nothing, and I mean nothing, could prepare me for “Joan Crawford Gender. Gender Enigma. Part 1.”, which is basically a Truther video, if the Truther movement was obsessed with proving that Joan Crawford was a man and Hollywood is some sort of Satanic transsexual long con:

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Red Carpet Footage from the 25th Annual Academy Awards
February 27, 2016

Here’s some red carpet footage from the 25th Annual Academy Awards, better known as the year Joan Crawford and Better Davis were nominated for Best Actress in Sudden Fear and The Star, respectively. What a year! They both lost to Shirley Booth for Come Back, Little Sheba. I’d say they were both ROBBED, but I haven’t seen Come Back, Little Sheba, so I can’t be sure, but still: ROBBED (probably).

Anyways, I highly recommend watching this red carpet footage, because it makes more recent red carpet events look like Casual Fridays. It’s got diamonds, pearls, furs, a young Elizabeth Taylor, more diamonds, more pearls, more furs, a young Paul Newman, tons of f*cking sequins, tulle, yet even more diamonds and furs and pearls, and Joan Crawford. Et tu, Oscars 2016?

Happy Birthday, Joan Crawford!
March 23, 2015

joac crawford mildred pierce birthday cake

[original image via Girls Do Film]

These Are Some Good Reactions to Getting Left Out of Joan Crawford’s Will
March 19, 2015

In case you’re wondering, these reactions come from the Joan Crawford episode of The Will, a TV docudrama about scandalous will disagreements. That may sound ridiculous, because it is, but if contract law can get people hot and bothered, estate law surely must have its own aficionados. And while a pretty traumatic tort encounter quickly put the kibosh on my experimental 20s before I ever got into inheritance law, I do love me anything Joan Crawford, so that’s why we’re here talking about this.

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Happy Pi Day with Mildred Pierce!
March 14, 2015

mildred pierce joan crawford pies pi day

My mother, a waitress[…]Aren’t the pis bad enough?!?

Inside the ACTING Studio, With James Lipton and Faye Dunaway
March 3, 2015

faye dunaway mommie dearest joan crawford shower

As far as I’m concerned, the only thing more camp than Faye Dunaway’s performance in Mommie Dearest is James Lipton and Faye Dunaway on Inside the Actors Studio discussing Faye Dunaway’s performance in Mommie Dearest, without irony:

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Wake Me When It’s Over: An Irresponsible Oscar Postscript
February 23, 2015

joan crawford oscars 1946

I’m not sure there’s anything to be said about last night’s Oscars that can’t be said by this picture of Joan Crawford asleep with her Oscar, which is to say: Zzzz.

It wasn’t that the Oscars were terrible. Patricia Arquette won, and she spoke about how to make the world a more just place. Julianne Moore won, and the world became a more just place. Neil Patrick Harris dutifully tried to keep some awfully regrettable material afloat. At least it wasn’t James Franco, part don’t. Lady Gaga’s Sound of Music melody was really great, even if it wasn’t performed in a bratwurst dirndl. And then there was John Travolta, who was killing it last nightpossibly literally. Seriously, if John Travolta asks you to help him move some furniture into a van, just tell him you’ve got a hunky masseuse appointment to attend and run, girl, run! He’ll totally understand.

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A Spanish Lesson
January 25, 2015

Mildred Pierce‘s Spanish title (Alma en suplicio) directly translates to “Soul in Torment.” Now that is how you title a melodrama, si?

Is This Colorized Still of Joan Crawford in Humoresque Art?
August 12, 2014

joan-crawford_oeuvre_grand

Seriously, y’all, is this art?

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Notes on a Few Things, Notably Susan Sontag’s “Notes on ‘Camp'”
July 7, 2013

possessed-002

Should Joan Crawford’s face not say enough, why yes, I haven’t quite been myself lately.

See, for quite some time, I’ve been thinking about how–save for the infrequent post here or there–I’ve really been a terrible mother to this blog. Simply terrible. Like Annette Bening in Running With ‘Command X’, or Faye Dunaway in Tina-Bring-Me-The-Axe.Tumblr.Com. Oh, the guilt! Oh, the shame. It’s crippling stuff, darling.

More importantly, though, I recently came to a most important decision that a few small (or very big, depending upon the view) life changes just had to be made. Needless to say, I’ve found myself with a bit more time on my hands.

Sure, I’m no sissy when it comes to idle hands (I’m just a sissy all around), but I knew I needed something to do. Knitting isn’t apropos during a heat advisory, and I’ve seen Candy Crush Saga ruin people’s lives. (Seriously, that game is like a less gauche meth addiction. Now please excuse me while I clear all the jelly.)

Anyways, as I see it, there only ever was one choice: get back to this blog, and get back to it for good. Because writing it has always brought me happiness like white diamonds luck to Elizabeth Taylor. And because even if I don’t personally know you, you’ve found your way here by some shared interest, and that’s something that matters. I love this blog, and I love y’all, too.

(As for those here by Google search gone horribly, horribly wrong? I’m sorry. This is not the dick GIFs blog  you’re looking for.)

Now, about Susan Sontag’s “Notes on Camp”:

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Here’s a Joan Crawford Fan Video Set to Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep”
December 14, 2012

Sure, this is a bowl of gravy and a pint of Bugle Blast and a playlist consisting solely of “Someone Like You” away from a three-hanky PUT-DOWN-THAT-SPOON! intervention (Betty Draper, er, Francis knows what we’re talking about); and yes, Adele has been such a pop-zeitgeist omnipresence that we’re all probably rolling in the fatigue (BOOM! See what I did there?); but whatever.  I’ll take any chance I get to honor Joan Crawford’s perfectly-framed-by-shadows-single-tear sorrows, so pull up a chair and hand me a spoon, ‘cos this video’s giving me a case of the feelings.

One More Time, With Squealing…
August 25, 2012

The problem with taking a break from moonlighting as a highly adored, internationally famous blogger is that you constantly have a gaggle of screaming fans begging you to go back to blogging. “Oh, how we miss you! Oh, how we need you!” their gaping maws craw like sickly orphans starved of camp, wit, and the “occasional” Showgirls reference.

Naturally, I’m may be exaggerating a tad seeing as:

  1. By gaggle of screaming fans, I mean two friends.
  2. By internationally famous, I mean One of them is from England.
  3. By highly adored, I mean sometimes my mother reads this, too.

Anyways, it’s become rather clear that my public (two friends and a mother…on occasion) needs me, and who am I to refuse? So, like the above photo of Joan Crawford returning to MGM Studios to film Torch Song, I too shall come back to the old fold. (This is nothing like that whatsoever, but let’s pretend.) Or, to mix iconic-camp-moment metaphors:

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Joan Crawford! “Flashdance…What a Feeling”! Halleloo It’s Friday!
February 10, 2012

I’m sorry, maybe it’s the beast of a week I’ve had, or maybe just me being that queen (very likely), but this video is an utter and absolute delight! I mean, Irene Cara’s “Flashdance…What a Feeling”! Who doesn’t love that song? (Nobody.) And Joan Crawford dancing! Who doesn’t delight in Joan Crawford dancing? (Bette Davis, Christina Crawford, fools who refuse the imperative to dance.) My point is that this video’s as marvelous a salve to the week as it is a start to the weekend. And best of all:

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This Guy LOVES Him Some Hockey
April 2, 2011

I’ll admit that I don’t really know much about hockey, save for the fact that it always strikes me as a hilarious excuse to watch grown men on ice skates beat the crap out of each other over a little disc. Is it like some bizarro butch version of Joan Crawford’s The Ice Follies of 1939?

I don’t know.

What I do know, though, is that Joan’s costumes are absolutely glamour-gonzo, a young Jimmy Stewart wants to do things on ice that have never been done before (!), those ice skating numbers look like bargain-basement Busby Berkeley insanity, and why haven’t I seen this movie yet?!? Again, I just don’t know, but what I do know is that this guy LOVES him some hockey:

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Here’s a Video of the 100 Greatest Movie Insults of All Time
July 1, 2010

When a video is titled “The 100 Greatest Movie Insults of All Time” and begins with this warning:

You’d best believe this video isn’t going to mess around.  But when it actually includes some of the greatest movie insults of all time, including a Joan Crawford ZING! from The Women and a priceless exchange from Mean Girls (you go, Glenn Coco Tina Fey!), well, it’s just worth it.  “The 100 Greatest Movie Insults of All Time,” y’all:

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Today’s Fabulous Image in Cinema: Joan Crawford in Humoresque (Yes, Again.)
July 1, 2010

humoresque joan crawford tragedy

Because you can’t appreciate the Humoresque sweet without having to taste Humoresque sour, and because I can never get enough Joan Crawford (particularly until I’ve finished reading David Bret’s epically salacious Joan Crawford: Hollywood Martyr) here’s Joan Crawford’s Helen Wright shedding a single tear of profoundly agonized longing for her violinist lover, Paul Boray (John Garfield).  He’s playing the Liebestod from Richard Wagner’s Tristan und Isolde, she’s drowning her sorrows as she listens to him on the radio, and my head’s exploding from having a moment appeal to the Crawford queen AND the opera queen in me.

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Today’s Fabulous Image in Cinema: Joan Crawford in Humoresque
June 30, 2010

Because Jean Negulesco’s Humoresque–aka, the one with Joan in glasses!–is as much an unheralded masterpiece as it is my favorite Joan Crawford movie, so why wouldn’t I give this gem a little more blog time?  Besides, if John Garfield’s Paul Boray can bring Joan Crawford’s Helen Wright to a state of transcendental sexual ecstasy just by playing Symphonie Espagnole on his violin (as is happening in the above image, if you couldn’t tell from the perfect visual metaphor of Joan’s glistening, parted lips), just imagine what his virtuosic playing will do to you.  (*SPOILER ALERT!*: It’ll blow your damn mind.)

Oh, and don’t hesitate to click to enlarge and appreciate the fabulousness of it all.

Important Findings in the Album Art for Christina Aguilera’s Bionic
June 11, 2010

Over on Facebook, a friend of mine described Christina Aguilera’s Bionic as mostly consisting of “transparent attempts to pander to obnoxious queens.” I recognize that taste is a subjective thing, so he could be wrong, but he did study music production, so I’m willing to trust his critical assessment on this matter.  Besides, it probably explains why I’m enjoying Bionic so damn much.  After all, if Christina Aguilera’s latest album was an early-to-mid-90s Marvel Comic character, she’d be Nymphomaniac Robotranny Joan Crawford 2099:

In which case, how could I not love this nonsense?

Some of the songs, like “I Am” (co-written by Sia and painfully lovely in its chamber pop minimalism) and the glorious “My Girls” (a Le Tigre-penned track with a Peaches rap interlude, so electropop fantastiche), are legitimately good songs; other songs, like the ode to muff diving called “Woo Hoo” and the oh-so-unsubtly titled “Sex for Breakfast,” feature lyrics so cartoonishly sexual that they could fit right into Showgirls: The Musical (book and lyrics by Joe  Eszterhas, music by Andrew Lloyd Weber on a burritos and meth bender).  And then there’s “Vanity,” a song that scales to such heights of camp absurdity that it’s another post all unto itself.  Bionic may be neither a work of high art nor a pop masterpiece, but much of it’s so frequently batshit crazy and so thoroughly listenable that I find it irresistible.

ANYWAYS, as I was flipping through the album art for Bionic (which is as bonkers and fabulous–if not even more so–than the album itself), I had a revelation, and that revelation was that Christina Aguilera and I both share a love of Karen Black in The Day of the Locust.  Here’s Karen Black on the poster for The Day of the Locust:

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