TGIF! Now Here’s the Current State of the U.S. Political Conversation

March 4, 2016 - Leave a Response

In case you missed it (and you know missed it), Donald Trump took a moment out of last night’s Republican Debate on Fox News to talk about his penis, which he guarantees “there’s no problem.” This all came about, mind you, after Marco Rubio apparently made a comment about Donald Trump having small hands, which he inferred meant other things were small, too. I see you, Rubio, you shady queen. The crowd ate it up like it was an all-you-can-eat sausage buffet, which I guess makes the Republican constituency a Samantha. Dickalicious, indeed.

Since I only understand things in terms of Showgirls references, I did a Google search for the line “She looks better than a ten inch dick and you know it.” I’d have settled for a GIF of Henrietta Bazoom to drop into this post, but instead I found the safe-for-work image results of a whole lotta not-Showgirls and lo-and-behold I sh*t you not our two new friends:

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TBT PSA: Pokemon Live Existed, and Andrew Rannells Was In It

March 3, 2016 - Leave a Response

You might think that Pokemon has no business being on a blog that’s so limp wristed it’s a wonder it ever gets written, and you’d be right! Much like a last lingering feint of heterosexuality, I haven’t touched the stuff since high school, but apropos of Pokemon’s 20th anniversary (not that I’d know) (jk; I’d totally know), let’s please take a moment to revel in the fact that Pokemon Live was touring theatrical musical experience that actually existed (!), and Andrew Rannells (!!!) was in it (!!!!!).

Yes, I’m talking the Andrew Rannells, he of the enviably perpetual babyface, my 2nd favorite of the Broadway Hedwigs (behind John Cameron Mitchell, of course), and one third of my new favorite celebrity dream thruple Andrew Rannells and Corey Stoll on Girls and Please Don’t Forget Me, or RannellStollME, for short. In case you don’t believe me, here’s his hottest moment from the commercial in GIF form, where he plays James:

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She’s Got Bette Davis Eyes Dress

March 1, 2016 - Leave a Response

whoopi goldberg oscars 2016

I’d meant to mention yesterday that Whoopi Goldberg looking amaaazing at the Academy Awards, but by the time I got to writing my pitch for a sequel to Carol Oscar wrap-up, I was already food drunk off a store-bought stromboli and an entire box of sadness (Elio’s frozen pizza), so whoopsi*. But this just means Whoopi gets her own post, which is better for us all. And besides, at least I never confused Whoopi with Oprah Winfrey.

ANYWAYS, Whoopi Goldberg’s Oscar ensemble says she’s got an EGOT and a bankful of The View money. She’s looking fabulous and giving zero f*cks, and I love that she’s brought out her tattoo and a giant octopus bracelet to accent her classic black dress. But wait! Speaking of “classic”, it gets Bette!**

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A Few Scant Thoughts on the 88th Annual Academy Awards

February 29, 2016 - Leave a Response

joan crawford oscars 1946

Seeing as it’d feel odd to not follow up yesterday’s predictions with at least some sort of wrap-up, but also seeing as I’d much rather eat an entire stromboli and get caught up on The People v. OJ Simpson, here’s a few scant thoughts on the 88th annual Academy Awards. It’s just enough to say “I still care” without it ending in a caterwaul of famished sobs:

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And the Winner Should Be…Tracy Morgan, for The Danish Girl!

February 29, 2016 - Leave a Response

tracy morgan danish girl

At the very least, last night’s Oscars were better than I’d expected. We didn’t solve America’s race problems, but Chris Rock was given enough room to provide some humorous yet honest commentary on Hollywood’s “sorority” racism. Better still, there was a truly great bit about black actors in white movies, which included the indisputable highlight of the evening, Tracy Morgan in The Danish Girl:

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Kate McKinnon’s Carol Parody, and a Few Oscar Predictions

February 28, 2016 - Leave a Response

Kate McKinnon and Kumail Nanjiani’s Carol parody from the 2016 Spirit Awards has been all over my Facebook feed since this morning. It’s a nice reminder of the company that I keep online and, better still, a reason to use the “Lesbians” tag twice in one week, so here it is. As I feel like I’m on a roll, sapphically speaking, maybe I’ll treat myself to a clandestine glove lunch of creamed spinach and poached eggs to celebrate.

Also, as it’s mere hours before the Academy Awards, I thought I’d spitball a few predictions for the award winners and the show in general:

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Red Carpet Footage from the 25th Annual Academy Awards

February 27, 2016 - Leave a Response

Here’s some red carpet footage from the 25th Annual Academy Awards, better known as the year Joan Crawford and Better Davis were nominated for Best Actress in Sudden Fear and The Star, respectively. What a year! They both lost to Shirley Booth for Come Back, Little Sheba. I’d say they were both ROBBED, but I haven’t seen Come Back, Little Sheba, so I can’t be sure, but still: ROBBED (probably).

Anyways, I highly recommend watching this red carpet footage, because it makes more recent red carpet events look like Casual Fridays. It’s got diamonds, pearls, furs, a young Elizabeth Taylor, more diamonds, more pearls, more furs, a young Paul Newman, tons of f*cking sequins, tulle, yet even more diamonds and furs and pearls, and Joan Crawford. Et tu, Oscars 2016?

TGIF! Now Here’s 22 Leonardo DiCaprio Performances Reenacted by His Lesbian Doppelgänger

February 26, 2016 - Leave a Response

Well, it’s the Friday before the Academy Awards, and if there’s anything more guaranteed in life right now than death or taxes, it’s Leonardo DiCaprio’s Best Actor win for The Revenant, so here’s a video of 22 Leonardo DiCaprio performances as brought to you by Leo’s lesbian doppelgänger, “Lesbo DiCaprio.”

This “stunning montage” (this video’s description’s words, not mine) is brought to you by ACTING, a lesbian who’s more butch than me (that’s not hard) but not so butch as to where I have a crush on her (that’s Ryan Atwood from The O.C.), and MORE ACTING. It’s the best costume (22 of them, in fact) to celebrate Leonardo DiCaprio’s Oscar thirst and the perfect way to segue into the weekend (with ACTING).

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to work on my Fiona Apple at the Oscars impression.

[via AfterEllen; much love to Haley for this]

And Now, My Favorite Academy Awards Moment of All Time, Ever

February 25, 2016 - Leave a Response

With the Oscars coming up this Sunday, I felt it apropos to share my favorite Oscar moment of all time, ever, and no, it’s not Alan Ball winning Best Original Screenplay for American Beauty. It’s Fiona Apple reacting to Paul Thomas Anderson losing to Alan Ball, which is sublime.

In a roomful of enthusiastic supporters and polite poker faces, hers is a look of unmistakable disappointment that says,”The world is bullsh*t, and Magnolia was robbed.” What I’m trying to say is it’s the real American beauty of the night, and also, forever.

And because I think about this moment all the time and had to make a GIF to preserve it into all eternity, let’s look at that again (and again, and again):

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Today’s Best Costume: “Little Edie Dances for Barbara Walters”

February 24, 2016 - Leave a Response

little edie grey gardens best costume for the day

Last night, I had the distinct pleasure of getting to introduce several of my officemates to the seminal 1975 documentary (and personal favorite) Grey Gardens, so naturally I had to have a Grey Gardens themed post today. It’s the best blog costume for the day, really.

Anyways, I’d hoped to find some footage of Little Edie’s cabaret act, but that sadly doesn’t seem to exist, so instead I found this video that purports to be Little Edie dancing for Barbara Walters. It’s not quite what it sounds like, but what it is totally insane and otherwise best left unspoilt.

The language is unexpectedly salty, so grab a basket of chips and vinegar and throw on your headphones, because even thought it’s a little NSFW, this hump-day treat is positively delicious:

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Look at How Long It Takes Julie Andrews to Get Down the Stairs

February 23, 2016 - Leave a Response

No wonder her man got away.

This Rosie O’Donnell Show Interview with Liza Minnelli Is Something Else

February 22, 2016 - Leave a Response

liza minnelli rosie odonnell show

It’s my belief that all things are made better by Liza Minnelli, and so today I propose a little MWM: Monday With Minnelli. In particular, I’d like to suggest this interview with an “I” between Ms. Minnelli and the inspiration for Cabaret 2‘s favorite person, Rosie O’Donnell. It’s something else from top (O’Donnell) to bottom (David Gest), so give it a watch and let’s discuss:

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Here’s Some Scenes From Ken Russell’s Valentino Set to The Strokes, Because Why Not?

February 21, 2016 - Leave a Response

“I’ll never understand the strange combinations the Internet at times feels compelled to drag together,” said the man who once combined Mads Mikkelsen’s Hannibal Lecter with Rooney Mara’s blunt bangs. My point being, I’m not sure this video of scenes from Ken Russell’s Valentino set to The Strokes’ song “The Modern Age” makes much sense to anybody but its creator, but as inexplicable combinations go, it’s like a peanut butter bacon cheeseburger: inexplicable, yet not unsatisfying. If nothing else, this is a good reminder that Ken Russell made a Rudolph Valentino biopic starring Rudolph Nureyev that looks like my kind of movie (about Classic Hollywood and camp as f*ck).

This Week In: Accomplishments

February 20, 2016 - Leave a Response

notes on a scandal gold star

You might not know this about me, but Judi Dench in Notes on a Scandal and I are basically the same person. For one thing, we are both aging spinsters with huge lesbian crushes on Cate Blanchett. More notably, though, we both like giving gold stars to life’s accomplishments, and those accomplishments could be anything.

For example, this could’ve been the week you got $500 off a lap dance and bought yourself that dress you’ve always wanted from Versayce, which is in The Forum. Maybe you remembered to floss each night, or moisturize, or perhaps it had to be enough to just show up to work each day and not “accidentally” run your hand through Cate Blanchett’s hair again.

My point is that I don’t know your life, and you don’t know mine, but I do know that this week my accomplishments include being discovered through this sophisticated gem of a search engine term:

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TGIF! Now Here’s the Robot Apocalypse Doing Your Lipstick

February 19, 2016 - Leave a Response

lipstick robot

This blog is more than just a pretty face and and unending parade of Showgirls references and camp appreciation. It’s also a corner of the Internet where we stand vigilant against the impending Robot Apocalypse. You can hoard guns and buy gold all you want, but neither sophisticated weaponry nor the shiny appeal of precious metals shall soften the robots’ vice-like grip of enslavement.

You may think this is a joke, but it’s no laughing matter, and if you don’t believe me, here’s chilling footage from Simone Giertz of our future robot overlords’ latest target, glamour:

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These Actresses Auditioning for Hannibal Lecter Are…TO DIE FOR 

February 18, 2016 - Leave a Response

Like the Gone with the Wind clip before it, this Casting Call video from W Magazine keeps with the gender flipped twist, but this time everyone is reading for the role of Hannibal Lecter circa Jonathan Demme’s Silence of the Lambs.

The title claims that Jane Fonda and Kristen Wiig will “give you chills” as they read for the role, but I’m pretty certain W was being cheeky, because the only shivers I’m getting are from all the pleasure. Let it be known, Ladies Who Lecter:

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In Honor of Andrzej Zulawski’s Passing, a Scene from Possession

February 17, 2016 - Leave a Response

andrzej zulawski possession isabelle adjani

It’s being reported today that after a long battle with cancer, Polish filmmaker Andrzej Zulawski has passed away at 75. For anyone who’s a cinephile or an aficionado of cultural excess and eccentricity, it is a great loss.

I’ve only seen a couple of his movies, but one of them was Possession, and that movie really cut through the fog of my late twenties. It’s surreal and uninhibited and distressing and beautiful, and I couldn’t believe anybody made movies like this.

Possession also contains a truly exceptional performance by Isabelle Adjani. It’s wholly unrestrained and indicative of Zulawki’s weird, singular genius:

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As It’s So Camp, a Few Thoughts Regarding Lady Gaga’s David Bowie Tribute at the Grammys

February 16, 2016 - Leave a Response

lady gaga david bowie tribute grammys

In case you were under a rock or watching the Westminster Dog Show, the Grammys were on last night, and Lady Gaga took the stage to perform a David Bowie tribute. As a David Bowie tribute, it was…okay, I guess? But as a Vegas-ready tribute to incidental robot piano rigs, a lack of self-editing, and also David Bowie, it was something else! (That something else is ridiculous.)

I mean, seriously, let’s take another look:

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Happy Presidents’ Day to Your Boyfriend, The President

February 15, 2016 - Leave a Response

Yesterday, your boyfriend was Oscar Isaac, but today’s Presidents’ Day, and this video deserves a second term on this blog, so I guess your boyfriend is the President now.

You’re such a slut, Internet.

 

It’s Valentine’s Day, So Here’s Oscar Isaac and Carla Gugino Performing “Love Is The Drug”

February 14, 2016 - Leave a Response

oscar isaac carla gugino sucker punch love is the drug

As if that wasn’t enough to make all your Valentine’s Day dreams come true, if you squint hard enough at this pic you can pretend Carla Gugino’s pegging Oscar Isaac, which I’ve been told is very on trend in 2016.

ANYWAYS, here’s the Internet’s Latest Boyfriend, Oscar Isaac, and forever object of my camp affection, Carla Gugino, covering Roxy Music’s “Love Is The Drug” in a deleted scene from Zack Snyder’s Zack-Snyder-iest movie, Sucker Punch:

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