And Now For a Dose of Pure Crazy: Joan Crawford, Gender Enigma
March 13, 2016

its joan crawford mildred pierce trailer gender enigma

Several years back, I read David Bret’s Joan Crawford: Hollywood Martyr, and it was insane. As celebrity bios go, it’s like someone decided to set the record straight about Joan Crawford using Wikipedia synopses of her filmography, a nagging feeling that says “CHRISTINA’S WRONG”, a whole lotta moxie, and a well-read copy of Kenneth Anger’s Hollywood Babylon. Really, I’m still not sure what the rumor about Ramon Novarro and the black marble dildo from his alleged lover Rudolph Valentino was doing in a biography about Joan Crawford, but it did keep things more interesting.

My point is I’m more than familiar with trashy and ridiculous rumors about Joan Crawford and early Hollywood’s general sordidness, but nothing, and I mean nothing, could prepare me for “Joan Crawford Gender. Gender Enigma. Part 1.”, which is basically a Truther video, if the Truther movement was obsessed with proving that Joan Crawford was a man and Hollywood is some sort of Satanic transsexual long con:

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TGIF! Now Here’s 29 Celebrities Serving Some Gone With The Wind Realness
February 12, 2016

It’s Friday, so instead of overthinking it, I thought we could all use this video from W Magazine of 29 celebrities serving some gender-flipped Gone With The Wind realness. Nobody made a dress out of window treatments (unfortunately), but all of our favorites are here, and everybody is ACTING like it’s Awards Season and they’d like your vote, please.

Obviously, I love it.

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The Young Professionals Covered Lana Del Rey’s “Video Games”!
February 11, 2012

What do you get when Israel’s most fabulous electropop duo covers hipsterdom’s hardest working 1950’s-pinup-poster/hip-hop-video-girl drag act? Electropop magic, that’s what. So much magic that you might as well call this “Video Games” the next installment of Final Fantasy. (LoloUGH, sorry for that.)

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Rejoice! Powder Blue is Out on DVD Today!
May 26, 2009

I woke up this morning with an extra spring in my step and a renewed sense of hope for the world.  It’s safe to say that we all know why:

powder-blue

YESSSSSS!!!  After what’s seemed like an eternity of waiting, Powder Blue has finally made it’s way to DVD!  

Today feels just like Christmas, which–seeing as Powder Blue is set on Christmas Eve–is totally fitting.  Only it’s much better than Christmas because we’re getting Forest Whitaker begging a tranny prostitute to kill him, Lisa Kudrow sharing her tips to a successful diet, and a whole bunch of Jessica Biel’s ACTING.  And her dirty pillows.  Mostly, though, we’re getting Jessica Biel’s ACTING, which apparently involves her being addicted to cocaine (naturally…because she’s a stripper) and pouring candle wax on her ta-tas (naturally…because she’s a stripper).  In other words, Powder Blue is the classiest, most seriously artistic endeavor cinema has ever seen.  EVER.  Thank you, Timothy Linh Bui.

Don’t even bother Netflixing this mess, y’all.  We may be in a recession so blah blah blah fiscal responsibility blah blah blah, but that doesn’t mean you can’t afford the small pittance it’ll cost on Amazon.  Seriously, $12.99 (plus shipping and handling, ‘cos I know you want this mess overnighted) is a bonafide bargain if it’s supporting the beginning of Jessica Biel’s inevitable career as a camp icon.  This is her Showgirls, y’all, and she’s Powder Blue‘s Elizabeth Berkley.  And don’t even bother feigning your best surprise face: I’ve already got my copy next to me.

So I hope you prepare yourself, people.  I’m about to bring the Powder Blue love out like it’s my blog job, and that’s a blog promise.  I hope you like batshit crazy, because that’s all I’ll be serving for quite a while.

And, lastly, if you came here looking for Jessica Biel’s boobs and are disappointed to instead find a distinct lack of said boobs, allow me to redirect you here.  There you go.  Biel boobs to warm your heart and nourish your inner aspect.  You’re welcome.

Hot Toddy! The New Season of Green Porno is Here!
April 9, 2009

If I were an Oprah, I’d have an “Oprah’s Favorite Things” episode, and on that episode I’d talk about Isabella Rossellini’s insanely brilliant web series, Green Porno.  Instead, I’m just me, but I do have a blog, and so I will talk about Green Porno anyways because it’s one of my favorite things.  Seriously, y’all, it’s the bestest.  And the bestest has just gotten bestester: 

YESSSSSS!!!!  All the gender-bending, elementary-school-play quality costumes, and colored-paper props we’ve come to know and love over the first season have returned to teach us about the sex lives of marine life.  It’s just another reminder of how Isabella Rossellini’s totally the greatest.

You should start watching immediately because–trust me when I say this–you have not lived your life to the fullest until you’ve witnessed Isabella Rossellini perform her ode to the female reproductive organ, “Why Vagina.”  And you most definitely have not lived until you’ve seen her reenact the mating rituals of whales, replete with a giant fake whale erection.  It’s all really quite educational, but it’s probably also not so safe for work.   Honestly, though, there’s some next level insanity/brilliance going on in this series; it’s like chocolate for your mind and soul.

Now eat it up!

Powder Blue Looks Like the Train-Wreckiest Train Wreck
April 3, 2009

Look out, Elizabeth Berkley!  If the trailer for Powder Blue is any indication whatsoever, it looks like Jessica Biel’s in the running for Worst Performance as a Stripper.  I’m usually capable of withstanding large amounts of awful for the sake of good camp, but even I don’t know if I can make it through this mess.  Seriously, y’all, this movie looks terrible, and not in the fun way:

Admittedly, this movie will inevitably find an audience regardless of whether or not it’s campalicious because it’s already getting major press as the movie where Jessica Biel strips.  Given that I could care less for boobs, though, all I’m gonna get is a whole lot of overwrought seriousness.  This movie looks like it wants to be sooooooo serious with all its fragile, damaged characters that are supposed to reflect the frustrations and isolations that come with living in this day and age.  

Jessica Biel is a disenchanted stripper with a sick son and a good heart.  Forest Whitaker is a suicidal ex-priest who wants a tranny prostitute to shoot him.  And then there’s odd the mortician who’s just lonely and awkward and totally not a serial killer.  And let’s not forget Patrick Swayze, who looks like a tranny prostitute but apparently isn’t.  The characters are SERIOUS, y’all.  It’s nothing but 😦 all around for these guys.

Oh, and how could I forget the completely dialogue dialogue imbued with the glimmer of hope all serious movies need as they dissect the human condition:

Sad-faced stripper: When tomorrow comes, everything’s going to be okay.

Not-a-serial-killer mortician: Everything’s going to be okay.

Somehow, I don’t think it will be.  Powder Blue will still be on your resume.

I shouldn’t get too mean, though.  I’m not saying that this movie looks good or even enjoyably bad, but that doesn’t mean it’s not being moved to the top of my Netflix queue as we speak.  I’m just saying.

Never Forget That Isabella Rossellini’s the Greatest
March 26, 2009

It’s pretty hard to deny that Isabella Rossellini’s an incredible woman.  She’s a comedic genius:

She’s also a genius genius.  Her web series for the Sundance Channel, Green Porno, couldn’t be more amazing if it tried.  The series sounds scandalous, but it’s really about as inappropriate as a rather bawdy biology lesson.  Isabella Rossellini dresses as various insects and recounts their sexual habits, gender-bending and anthropomorphizing these mating rituals into educational monologues that are as hilarious as they are enlightening.  I suspect this is not entirely safe for work (I’d guess it’s PG-13ish?), but you truly haven’t lived until you’ve witnessed the Ms. Rossellini discuss the batshit insanity that is snail sex:

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