The Robot Apocalypse Will Be Bristol Palin on The Secret Life of the American Teenager
June 24, 2010

Pandemonium has struck!

ANYWAYS, the last time we checked in on ABC Family’s The Secret Life of the American Teen, dear reader and occasional contributor Shmathan brought to our attention the latest scientific findings in the dangers of incredible sex.  Since then, however, Shmathan has left left for the far more lucrative world of corporate law.  It is sad, yes, but blog life must go on.  My point is that sometimes in life, things change.  But you know what hasn’t changed?  The fact that The Secret Life of the American continues to look really terrible.  See, for example, Bristol Palin’s ACTING debut:

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Legally Blundering
July 23, 2009

ABC Family is officially on my shit list.   First they perpetuated ridiculous attitudes toward sex, then they had the audacity to bastardize 10 Things I Hate About You and now….God, I can’t even speak.

Let me lay the scene.  It’s 3 AM.  I am minding my own business, riding the 2 Train home to rest my weary head.  I am not in the best of moods, having spent the last 18 hours trying to cram my head full of New York Civil Procedure for the bar exam (which is now 5 days away!).  I had to wait 45 minutes for an afterhours train and the dipshit next to me has spilled their drink all over me.  But all of this is accepted calmly and with poise.  What came next, however, was the last straw.

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Lindsay Lohan (Allegedly) Makes Good Choices
July 9, 2009

Yesterday, a rather delectable piece of gossip hit the interwebs.  Celebitchy, which picked up the story via Page Six, reported that Lindsay Lohan refused the role of Jade, the stripper who marries Ed Helms, in The Hangover.  Yes, THE The Hangover, as in the smash summer comedy that invariably proves that nothing is cuter than babies sunglasses:

hangover baby in sunglasses

Fortunately, this summer, after many a delay, Ms. Lohan’ll be bringing us Labor Pains, her own log to contribute to the raging fire that is America’s baby craziness.  Sure, it’s not getting a theatrical release, or even a straight-to-video release (at least until later this fall), but it is getting an ABC Family world television premiere, and that HAS to be something:

Shut.  Your.  Face.  “I’m better when I’m pregnant” is an actual line in ANY movie EVER?  I will never forgive myself if I do not DVR this baby-bump-riddled train wreck because I absolutely have to see this, but I’m also quite certain that, should I watch more than five consecutive minutes at a time, my brain will be liquified by the bad idea waves irradiating out of this…this thing.

I get that they’re the station that finds drama in the possibility that any one of the perfectly timed thrusts in your incredible sex life could very well spell disaster for your parents, so I’d never actually accuse them of having things like taste or good decision making skills, but ABC Family proclaims this one of their “Original Movies” with some sort of sense of pride?  Isn’t that kinda like proudly keeping your back-alley abortion in a mason jar on your coffee table because you want it to be a conversation piece at all your cocktail parties?  This shit is bleak, and the full trailer is (impressively) even bleaker:

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From the Network that Brought You Patricidal Sex…
July 7, 2009

Shmathan is again displeased…

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After learning that ABC Family is teaching a generation of young girls that having sex will kill your parents, I was curious to see what else this network had to offer America’s impressionable youth.  What I discovered enraged me. It seems that tonight the network will premier its newest “original” series, 10 Things I Hate About You; the newest pop culture abomination to make Ben’s Do Not Want list and my ever-growing catalog of Catastrophes.  I do not suffer this news gladly.

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