ABC Family is officially on my shit list. First they perpetuated ridiculous attitudes toward sex, then they had the audacity to bastardize 10 Things I Hate About You and now….God, I can’t even speak.
Let me lay the scene. It’s 3 AM. I am minding my own business, riding the 2 Train home to rest my weary head. I am not in the best of moods, having spent the last 18 hours trying to cram my head full of New York Civil Procedure for the bar exam (which is now 5 days away!). I had to wait 45 minutes for an afterhours train and the dipshit next to me has spilled their drink all over me. But all of this is accepted calmly and with poise. What came next, however, was the last straw.
I lifted my eyes from the page I was studying, and they happened to glance at the magazine being read by the person on the other (non-spilling) side of me. Inside was a full page advertisement for Legally Blondes. Blondes. That’s right. Plural. Now, I have no objection to sequels. Admittedly. Legally Blonde 2: Red, White and Blonde was far inferior to the first, but damn it, it was amusing. After all, it has one of Jennifer Coolidge’s greatest lines: “You look like the Fourth of July…makes me want a hot dog real bad.” Gold. Pure Gold. However, I knew the moment I saw this, there would be trouble. Why? Because not only did it obviously not feature the original character (always a sign of bad things to come), but furthermore the words “An ABC Family premiere event” were emblazoned across the top of the ad. I could scarcely believe it. Not only would there be a crappy third installment, but it would be a TV movie event put together by a network that specializes in spewing out the worst bile and filth known to man.
Hoping this to be a most scandalous falsehood, I immediately consulted that all-knowing oracle, Google. What I learned was even more disheartening. Firstly, Reese Witherspoon is producing the monstrosity, adding betrayal to her list of career choice sins (I mean, have you seen Vanity Fair? Fuck…). Secondly, this is a straight to DVD abomination that ABC is premiering on the television (so I guess it isn’t entirely their fault…) that doesn’t even involve wacky adventures in the legal system. According to the preview, it’s about two British twins (WTF?!), somehow related to Elle, who are the perky pink-loving new students at a stodgy preparatory school—who will no doubt have a series of wacky adventures that teach them valuable lessons about believing in oneself as they enliven the dreary lives of their snobby classmates through their cavity-causing disposition and flair for accessorizing. Three words.
Why, why, why does ABC Family hate me? Why must the continuously seek to destroy my beloved movies? Like 10 Things I Hate About You, this movie was integral to the development of my 17 year old gay self. It was also inspiration to me at 22, as I was about to embark on my own law school adventure. Hell, I watched it without fail every finals period over the last three years in order to get myself into the proper mindset (sadly, however, there is apparently more to being a lawyer than knowing the rules of haircare). And now, its purity will be forever defiled. Damn you MGM Studios. Damn you Reese. And damn you ABC Family, my most bitter of enemies.
I shall have my revenge, oh yes. I shall have it.