The Magnum Opus of Nobody Puts Baby In A Horner: Reactions to Powder Blue
August 9, 2009

Well, dear readers.  It is Saturday night, and the work week is done.   Nothing remains other than a complete and utter surrender…to excess.  The wine is chilled, the movies are bad, and the desserts are filled with empty calories.  So without further ado, let me introduce you to…

Ladies of Leisure

Allow me to introduce your hostesses this evening.  I am Shmathana, Comtesse de Homósexualitat and joining me is her exalted majesty, Benjilina, Duchess of Gaylandia.  And this evening, it is our delight and privilege to bring you at last, and as so long promised, the official Nobody Puts Baby In A Horner review of…Powder Blue.   You’ve longed for it.  You’ve dreamt of it.  And now, it is within your reach.  Yes dear readers…

And without further ceremony, let’s pop the bottles, and dive right in! (Please Note, this post is NSFBM…Not Safe For Benji’s Mom)

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Rejoice! Powder Blue is Out on DVD Today!
May 26, 2009

I woke up this morning with an extra spring in my step and a renewed sense of hope for the world.  It’s safe to say that we all know why:

powder-blue

YESSSSSS!!!  After what’s seemed like an eternity of waiting, Powder Blue has finally made it’s way to DVD!  

Today feels just like Christmas, which–seeing as Powder Blue is set on Christmas Eve–is totally fitting.  Only it’s much better than Christmas because we’re getting Forest Whitaker begging a tranny prostitute to kill him, Lisa Kudrow sharing her tips to a successful diet, and a whole bunch of Jessica Biel’s ACTING.  And her dirty pillows.  Mostly, though, we’re getting Jessica Biel’s ACTING, which apparently involves her being addicted to cocaine (naturally…because she’s a stripper) and pouring candle wax on her ta-tas (naturally…because she’s a stripper).  In other words, Powder Blue is the classiest, most seriously artistic endeavor cinema has ever seen.  EVER.  Thank you, Timothy Linh Bui.

Don’t even bother Netflixing this mess, y’all.  We may be in a recession so blah blah blah fiscal responsibility blah blah blah, but that doesn’t mean you can’t afford the small pittance it’ll cost on Amazon.  Seriously, $12.99 (plus shipping and handling, ‘cos I know you want this mess overnighted) is a bonafide bargain if it’s supporting the beginning of Jessica Biel’s inevitable career as a camp icon.  This is her Showgirls, y’all, and she’s Powder Blue‘s Elizabeth Berkley.  And don’t even bother feigning your best surprise face: I’ve already got my copy next to me.

So I hope you prepare yourself, people.  I’m about to bring the Powder Blue love out like it’s my blog job, and that’s a blog promise.  I hope you like batshit crazy, because that’s all I’ll be serving for quite a while.

And, lastly, if you came here looking for Jessica Biel’s boobs and are disappointed to instead find a distinct lack of said boobs, allow me to redirect you here.  There you go.  Biel boobs to warm your heart and nourish your inner aspect.  You’re welcome.

Life is Good When You Can Post Twice in One Day About Powder Blue
April 13, 2009

Oh glory be!  Are you worried that you won’t be able to see the most eagerly anticipated film of the summer, Powder Blue, when it’s released May 8th in New York and Los Angeles?  Are you terrified that the inevitable months of waiting for a DVD release so you may whet your lips with its sweet nectar of camp will simply prove too much to handle?  Or are you simply in it for Jessica Biel’s boobies?  Well, whatever your motivation, fret not!  

According to DVDActive, Powder Blue will be released on June 9th.  That’s right, people.  Powder Blue is such a classy, respectable, and truly visionary cinematic experience (and definitely not a train wreck, natch) that the distributors refuse to keep it away from audiences any longer than the absolute minimum waiting time.  

This is NOT about exploiting the recent buzz surrounding Jessica Biel appearing in this movie as a stripper, and this is MOST CERTAINLY NOT about trying to sell as many copies of the-movie-where-Jessica-Biel-is-a-stripper to hormonal adolescent boys and twentysomething virgins living in their parents basements before the incredibly bad buzz renders this movie incapable of selling a single copy that’s not in a 99-cent bargain bin in your local Walmart (unless it’s at your neighborhood GLBT book and video store, which in that case Powder Blue‘s totally selling for full price).  Nope, this release date speaks to just how confident Image Entertainment is that Powder Blue the movie we all need in our lives sooner as opposed to later.  Seriously, just look at the box art ; it positively reeks of integrity and confidence:

pb-stripper

“Don’t worry, buyers,” this cover seems to say.  “This is a movie about finding hope in the darkest of places!  This is like Magnolia, but more serious!  And artistic!  Jessica Biel’s boobs are purely incidental to the sales of this uncompromising cinematic masterpiece (of Jessica Biels starring as a stripper)!  And, don’t worry, if you don’t like art because you think that just means that Powder Blue will be pretentious and boring, we’ve still got boobies to keep things interesting!”  

And if the box art doesn’t convince you enough, as I type this, you can pre-order Powder Blue on DVD from Amazon for a mere $12.99.  That’s 54% off the list price of $27.98!

So what’re you waiting for?  Pre-order your copy today!  All signs point to Powder Blue being THE piece of (unintentional camp) art for our generation!

(Thanks to Michael for the tip.)

Oh Noes! Lisa Kudrow’s Also Taking a Ride on the Powder Blue Train-Wreck Express
April 13, 2009

And her character is just filled with great ideas.  What do you give to the man who tried to unsuccessfully pay a transgendered prostitute to kill himself?  A piece of apple pie, obviously!

And, damn, her waitress looks good, y’all.  How does she do it?

Ohhhh, she has a secret to her success, and it apparently involves hanging her dress over the dining table  to help motivate her to forgo sharing a slice of apple pie.  I totally forgot how detrimental having a single bite of apple pie can be to one’s waste line.  Seriously, the second a bit of that flaky crust hits your lips, you just balloon up like the incredibly obese Hulk.  It’s true; I’ve been there.  The whole experience quite unpleasant, and the purple pants you inexplicably always find yourself in are just such an unflattering shade of mulberry.

Or perhaps it’s a slippery-slope-of-addiction sort of thing.  One minute she’s trying a bite of that freshly baked deliciousness, and then suddenly the morning shift at her diner is waking her up.  Pie pans and bits of crust are strewn across the floor, and her hands and face are covered in the syrupy fillings of a dozen unsuspecting left-over desserts that met their unpleasant fate in her orgiastic and untethered thirst for scrumptious fruit-filled pastries.

Admittedly, the acting in this scene is shockingly subdued in this scene.  Gone are the over-the-top camp theatrics in favor of people behaving more like awkward robots programmed to execut sighs, smirks that mask deep-seated pain, and unnecessary conversational pauses in order to make them appear more naturalistic and human and less completely dead behind the eyes.  

Added to that, the dialogue in this scene is profoundly worthless.  Lisa Kudrow wanting to be thin and observing that Forest Whitaker’s smile deceptively hide his sorrow are things that say nothing relevant about either character.  They’re ciphers of psuedo-illuminating dialogue meant to make you ask deep questions about human interrelations; however, “HUH???” is the only question that this scene really leaves you asking.  

Let’s be clear: everything in this scene is still completely terrible, but this is terrible in a new and different way.  This clip suggests that Powder Blue is like an onion of bad movies; each scene reveals unto us a whole new level of awful that this movie is capable of achieving.  If these clips are any indication for how tonally inconsistent yet consistently misguided Powder Blue will be, then congratulations are then in order for Timothy Linh Bui.  I won’t start the the one-man’s-slow-clap-that-gradually-grows-into-a-thunderous-applause-from-the-entire-crowd just yet, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to doing my wrist exercises in preparation.  After all, May 8th is just around the corner…

What Do You Get When You Cross Forest Whitaker and a Tranny Prostitute?
April 10, 2009

Pure comedy gold, that’s what.  Powder Blue is totally shaping up to be legendary, y’all.  Just check out all this ACTING and DRAMA:

Hot damn!  Forget the acting (which is totally ridiculous, to be sure; whenever that tranny throws up her hands, an angel gets its wings).  What in the world is going on with the directing in this movie?  Timothy Linh Bui is cramming so many unnecessary edits into this scene to show off the DRAMA and ARTISTIC INTEGRITY of his VISION; unfortunately, the sense of time is so disorienting that I feel like I’m on Lost island, complete with the nosebleeds!  Yikes!

I’m also at this point completely in love with the screenplay for Powder Blue, which in this scene alludes to a Candid Camera-esque TV show that apparently involves picking up tranny hookers and having their johns make bizarre requests.  It’s kinda like Punk’d, I suppose, but with less Ashton Kutcher and more transexual prostitution.  Yes, that definitely sounds like a show.  On TV.  In the real world.  

And let’s not forget the tranny’s words of wisdom: “Everyone’s got problems!  Deal with it!”  Oh, tranny, truer words never spoken.  I smell Oscars, y’all.  Oscars all around!

Like I said, people: Powder Blue shall be legendary (for how it’s divorced from any and all notions of reality and artistic competency).  Or, in other words: Powder Blue will be the best.

Powder Blue Looks Like the Train-Wreckiest Train Wreck
April 3, 2009

Look out, Elizabeth Berkley!  If the trailer for Powder Blue is any indication whatsoever, it looks like Jessica Biel’s in the running for Worst Performance as a Stripper.  I’m usually capable of withstanding large amounts of awful for the sake of good camp, but even I don’t know if I can make it through this mess.  Seriously, y’all, this movie looks terrible, and not in the fun way:

Admittedly, this movie will inevitably find an audience regardless of whether or not it’s campalicious because it’s already getting major press as the movie where Jessica Biel strips.  Given that I could care less for boobs, though, all I’m gonna get is a whole lot of overwrought seriousness.  This movie looks like it wants to be sooooooo serious with all its fragile, damaged characters that are supposed to reflect the frustrations and isolations that come with living in this day and age.  

Jessica Biel is a disenchanted stripper with a sick son and a good heart.  Forest Whitaker is a suicidal ex-priest who wants a tranny prostitute to shoot him.  And then there’s odd the mortician who’s just lonely and awkward and totally not a serial killer.  And let’s not forget Patrick Swayze, who looks like a tranny prostitute but apparently isn’t.  The characters are SERIOUS, y’all.  It’s nothing but 😦 all around for these guys.

Oh, and how could I forget the completely dialogue dialogue imbued with the glimmer of hope all serious movies need as they dissect the human condition:

Sad-faced stripper: When tomorrow comes, everything’s going to be okay.

Not-a-serial-killer mortician: Everything’s going to be okay.

Somehow, I don’t think it will be.  Powder Blue will still be on your resume.

I shouldn’t get too mean, though.  I’m not saying that this movie looks good or even enjoyably bad, but that doesn’t mean it’s not being moved to the top of my Netflix queue as we speak.  I’m just saying.

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