We interrupt your 4th of July Festivities to bring you an important public service announcement. We have long known of the traditional risks associated with sexual intercourse such as HIV and other STIs, premarital pregnancy, and awkward morning-after conversations. But today, it has been announced that there is an even greater danger: having sex can kill your father. This shocking news was recently delivered by Dr. Annoying Blonde-Girl from the Derivative Family Drama Institute, who must be some kind of all-knowing sexologist given that she speaks with such authority. Her shocking report, after the jump.
There you have it, gentle readers. Incredible sex causes horrible, horrible deaths. That’s just how life works. So when you’re out on the town tonight celebrating the birth of our great nation, and in the throes of patriotic passion decide to take some hottie home to create some fireworks of your own, please, please, please remember the parents that love and adore you. They brought you into this world, and apparently your orgasms can take them out of it. So for the good of your family, have atrocious sex, and don’t enjoy it.
Be safe out there,
BENJAMIN’S UPDATE OF OUTRAGE (8/9/09): Well, it appears that the suits at ABC Family didn’t like the “incredible sex kills” clip floating around the interwebs, so they’ve surreptitiously had it removed. I have no words save for “Boo, you whores.”