Warning: Incredible Sex Kills

We interrupt your 4th of July Festivities to bring you an important public service announcement.  We have long known of the traditional risks associated with sexual intercourse such as  HIV and other STIs, premarital pregnancy,  and awkward morning-after conversations.  But today, it has been announced that there is an even greater danger:  having sex  can kill your father.  This shocking news was recently delivered by Dr. Annoying Blonde-Girl from the Derivative Family Drama Institute, who must be some kind of all-knowing sexologist given that she speaks with such authority.  Her shocking report, after the jump.

There you have it, gentle readers.  Incredible sex causes horrible, horrible deaths.  That’s just how life works. So when you’re out on the town tonight celebrating the birth of our great nation, and in the throes of patriotic passion decide to take some hottie home to create some fireworks of your own, please, please, please remember the parents that love and adore you.  They brought you into this world, and apparently your orgasms can take them out of it. So for the good of your family, have atrocious sex, and don’t enjoy it.

Be safe out there,

-Shmathan

BENJAMIN’S UPDATE OF OUTRAGE (8/9/09): Well, it appears that the suits at ABC Family didn’t like the “incredible sex kills” clip floating around the interwebs, so they’ve surreptitiously had it removed.  I have no words save for “Boo, you whores.”

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8 Responses

  1. […] learning that ABC Family is teaching a generation of young girls that having sex will kill your parents, I was curious to see what else this network had to offer America’s impressionable youth.  […]

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  2. […] CGI craziness that will be  2012, I feel like a woman on the receiving end of terrible sex (which we all know helps keep you parents alive), and all I want to do is scream, “Can’t you just come already?”  And, of […]

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  3. […] get that they’re the station that finds drama in the possibility that any one of the perfectly timed thrusts in your incredible sex life could very w…s, so I’d never actually accuse them of having things like taste or good decision making […]

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  4. […] all said, it doesn’t change the fact that Sandra Lee sounds like she might kill her parents with those incredible foodgasms she’s having.  Nor does it change the fact she really loves her cocktail time, and it […]

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  5. […] ABC Family is officially on my shit list.   First they perpetuated ridiculous attitudes toward sex, then they had the audacity to bastardize 10 Things I Hate About You and now….God, I can’t even […]

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  6. […] called the crazy meth addict look.  And meanwhile her son is flat-lining.  Huh.  I guess incredible sex does kill. I guess I owe ABC Family an […]

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  7. […] goes for the trailers and clips of anything owned by Disney.  This explains the disappearance of Shmathan’s favorite clip on parenticide, which was surreptitiously removed from YouTube on account of copyright infringement, but that […]

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  8. […] and occasional contributor Shmathan brought to our attention the latest scientific findings in the dangers of incredible sex.  Since then, however, Shmathan has left left for the far more lucrative world of corporate law. […]

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