The Cougar Really Does Make Dreams Come True
April 16, 2009

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Did you see The Cougar last night?  If you didn’t, you honestly missed out on something truly magical in the realm of trashy, reality television.  It turns out that this show wasn’t a bad idea; it’s the best idea!  There were so many trains in this colossal train wreck that it’s difficult to know where to begin.

There was, for starters, the Vivica A. Fox train wreck.  She’s actually pretty likable as a hostess, and you feel kinda bad for seeing her have to sink so low for a paycheck.  That said, though, I’ve never seen a forehead been more botoxed in my entire life.  It really.  Doesn’t.  Move.  I guess that means the train wreck is actually Vivica A. Fox’s forehead, but still, yikes!

Then you have their version of the rose ceremony, which is called “the kiss off.”  She literally kisses contestants on the lips if they stay or the cheek if they’re out.  Trust me, it’s far more sexy than it sounds, particularly when she’s clearly making barf faces while kissing some of the 15 guys she had to keep on the show past this first elimination.  Oh the things a cougar must do in the quest for true love (of sex with men nearly half your age).

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For Fans of Trash TV, The Cougar is Your New Favorite Show. Period.
April 9, 2009

Someone in the television industry has clearly been working quite hard to make the absolutely worst piece of television ever.  After much work, though, they look to have finally succeeded.  Seriously.  The Cougar is part competitive reality dating show, part novelty pop-culture buzz word obsession, and a few dashes of totally busted faux-progressive gender politics to spice things up.  I need to find a new phrase other than “train wreck,” because hot damn does that phrase not do this nonsense justice.  Just look at this thing:

This show is like the train wreck of the future, where trains fly through space and are powered by nuclear engines, and then one day several of these space trains crash into each other and create a terrible nuclear explosion that showers the land below with flaming wreckage and radioactive fallout, yet throughout this whole terrible moment you JUST.  CAN’T.  TURN AWAY!  This mess is beyond epic, y’all; it’s bonafide life-changing.  Paradigms are shifting and bars are being raised and Vivica A. Fox needs to find a new agent like it’s nobody’s business.

The Cougar promises to have it all when it comes to the worst in television.  There’s the 20 desperate/pathetic tools spouting utter nonsense (“Stacey is like a gray squirrel I just want to pounce on!” may be the first great simile of the 21st century).  There’s the painfully ludicrous attempt by producers to sell the show as something radical and new (“Welcome to a show that will change everything you know about love, relationships, and getting older” is clearly the most profoundly true interpretation of this show that we shall ever know).  There’s also the tantalizing promise of a bevy of hot 20-something guys taking their shirts off for our collective (collective meaning “strictly gay men and their favorite gal pals”) viewing.

Mostly, though, there’s the Cougar, Stacey.  According to TV Land’s website, Stacey is “a successful and determined realtor” and “a beautiful, blonde mother of four.”  She’s also your fag hag.

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