Today’s Fabulous Image in Cinema: The Dolphin Statue in Twilight
July 12, 2010

This past weekend, I may or may not have finally sat down and watched Twilight for the time (don’t judge me), and I may more or may not have really enjoyed myself (like I said, don’t judge me).  Regardless of what did or did not happen this past weekend, though, there is definitely a dolphin statue at the end of Twilight, which of course can only mean one thing: super-secret Showgirls reference!  While it remains unclear as to who would be responsible for this homage to the Greatest Movie Ever Made (a cheeky set designer’s assistant?  Catherine Hardwicke?  STEPHANIE MEYER?!?), that doesn’t mean we can’t discuss the Dolphin Statue as if it’s a thing that it’s most probably not.  Besides, my money’s on the Mormon (then again, when is it not?), so let’s talk this one through, shall we?

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Clever Girl
January 20, 2010

I used to think that this was the absolute pinnacle of the velociraptor meme:

As with all internet memes, I don’t understand exactly why there is a raptor meme, but I had a dinosaur obsession in my childhoood, and Jurassic Park ranks as one of 12-year-old Benjamin’s all time favorite movies (followed closely by Twister and Independence Day), so I can be okay with this.

That said, I was obviously wrong about the above image being the greatest entry in the velociraptor meme canon.  THIS is the greatest entry in the velociraptor meme canon:

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When It Comes to New Moon, I’m Decidedly Team This Guy
November 20, 2009

Well, New Moon is out today, and a great schism has erupted all over the interwebs:

This is an important discussion to have because you’re choosing between a wang that’s pale and ice cold and a wang that’s underage and could spontaneously sprout hair.  Hrmmm, DECISIONS.

Anyways, I’ve personally arrived at the conclusion that I’m neither Team Edward nor Team Jacob.  It’s not that I’m deliberately trying to be a finicky bitch by not answering the most important question of the new millenium, it’s just that someone else has taken my Twibreath away:

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Blessed Saints We Are Saved!
August 5, 2009

Rejoice my friends!  Open your ears and partake of my glorious news!  I know, dear readers, that we live in Dark Times.   The Twihard Hordes roam our lands unchecked, carrying with them the Sparkle Inquisition, demanding loyalty to their new religion and sacrificing unbelievers before shrines of Edward Cullen as they read from their Dark Tomes of Fanfic.  But hope, it seems, is on the horizon.  Perhaps the old divinities have strove at last to free the cowered masses from the Brooding Usurper, and now offer us the promise of salvation.  For you see, I have heard my friends a call that rang out from the heavens, with the news that there will be Twilight MMORPG.

I know your fears, gentle readers.  Will not the power of the Twihards grow even more?  Will not a Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game allow their domination of the internet to expand still farther?  Nay, friend.  Calm your mind.  For it is the nature of evil to turn upon itself, to indulge its rapacious appetite with such reckless abandon that it can at last only turn in upon itself.  And here today, the forces of Twidom have done just that, and sown the seeds of their own destruction.

For the MMORPG is a demanding mistress, as many a wizened geek will tell you.  Once begun, it cannot be cast aside lightly.  It haunts your thoughts, your dreams, subordinates all desires and needs to its whims.  It makes life nothing more than a pale shadow, a tortured existence as you continuously slave away to level up just once more or find that rare item or complete that hidden quest.  And now the foolish Twihards have sought out its powers, seeking in their zealotry to see Twidom given form.  It is a trap from whence they shall not return.

They shall come before their computers reverently, and offer their souls to the Twilight.  They shall spend their days and nights wandering the pixelated dusk as vampire or werewolf, living out the dark fancies of their twisted hearts.  And then they shall be as the living dead.  For when the might of the MMORPG is joined with that of the Brooding Usurper, an unholy power shall rise from the depths of the abyss, and bind those caught in its web for all eternity.  They shall not eat, they shall not sleep.  And no more shall they go forth into the world to spread the bile of their false doctrine.  The Sparkle Inquisition will fail, enmeshed by its own fanaticism.  And we, dear readers, will be free.

So keep the faith, friends.  Salvation is on the horizon.  And there will be much rejoicing:

Your steadfast servant,

Shmathan

PS-The use of the Return of the Jedi: Special Edition version of the ending theme, complete with the statue of Benji’s blogging alter ego, Emperor Palpatine, being torn down is in no way meant to suggest that Shmathan believes Benji’s blog empire is crumbling or that Shmathan intends to pull a Darth Vader and toss him into a Death Star reactor.  This week, anyway.

Things That Should Not Exist: This Taylor Lautner New Moon Action Figure
July 28, 2009

Logic dictates that, for a product to exist, there must be a demand.  It’s for this reason that products like the Wearable Towel or the Comfort Wipe; they may be incredibly stupid and theoretically useless, but you know that someone somewhere actually saw these products as the solution to a problem.  Necessity is, after all, the mother of invention.

That said, I’m quite aware this Taylor Lautner New Moon action figure clearly has a theoretical demand.  It comes from people called Twihards, and they will consume anything and everything related to Stephenie Meyer’s ridicu-succesful Twilight franchise.  I may not be part of that fan base, and I imagine my only enjoyment (if any, really) of the franchise would be ironic, but I’m not going to trash the fans of Twilight because we’re all allowed our own opinions and taste.  No matter how ridiculous they are.  

In spite of all of this, Twihards, you really need to calm it because we now have a thing that should not exist:

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Zut Alors! It Looks Like I’ll Be Seeing New Moon As Well
July 24, 2009

Had you asked me before today if I would be seeing New Moon in theaters, let alone at all, I would’ve probably beaten you with a wire hanger for asking such a stupid question.  That, of course, was before I saw this bootleg clip from Comic Con, which pretty much makes the case for me having to see this movie opening night:

Holy ballz, y’allz.  I get that watching a YouTube clip of a camcorder recording of a movie is never the optimal way to watch a movie and judge its quality; however, I’m rather certain that doesn’t mean this movie will be any closer to a masterpiece as opposed to the totally ridiculous looking movie that it looks to be.  Is that stopping me from battling herds of zealous fangirls to plunk down $12.50 on opening night?  Of course not.

Whereas I look and see soft-core porn quality acting with sub-soft-core porn level excuses to get Taylor Lautner (who, in spite of the fact that his abs are insanse, is still very much 17) to take off his shirt, these girls are so deeply invested in this material that they carry on running commentaries/shriek-a-thons throughout the clip.  Is it werewolf tribal medicine that says shirts cure bleeding?  Or maybe washboard abs encourage proper clotting?  This certainly makes no sense to the uninitiated (aka, me), but that doesn’t stop these fans from Twigasming at the top of their lungs, and that’s a good thing!  Ever the fan of bearing witness to major moments in pop culture, I now feel it necessary to see New Moon opening night, and those squees of uncontrollable excitement are interactive-audience icing on the zeitgeist cake.

As the one girl says: THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME!!!

PS: I’m pretty certain that said girl’s screams, particularly when they get so shrill as to sounding like a kazoo, have made me fall in love with her.  She’s my imaginary interweb fag hag, y’all.

UPDATE 8/19/09: The high quality clip of this strange cultural moment has been removed due to (what else) copyright infringement.  I’m pretty sure that this video is less about what we’re seeing and far more sociologically valuable as a document of the cultural movement that is the Twihards.  Fortunately for us, they will not be stopped, and we have a lower quality copy to preserve this moment.

This Girl That Hates Stephen King is Your Fag Hag
February 13, 2009

I know that you two have been nearly inseparable since you met during your summer abroad when–afterwards–she moved stateside six weeks later to the apartment across the hall (surprise!). But gurrrrhl, we need to talk.

I know you’ve probably heard all this about a million times before because she talks about it every you go out to your favorite gay bar, but at least this time you’ve gotten the entire rant out in one interrupted swoop as opposed to when she’s constantly interrupting herself by asking, “Why are you checking that guy out?  He’s totally not your type!  Focus!  This is SERIOUSLY IMPORTANT!  LIMELIGHT!!!” after she’s had her third Flirtini but before she tries to make out with you.  So at least there’s that.

But don’t you think it’s about time you two had a talk?

You have to admit that this is almost as embarrassing as that time she vlogged for 18 minutes about your boyfriend because he said she was creepy and controlling and sending him death threats by text message, but really it’s your boyfriend who’s in the wrong because he’s jealous of the fact that she knew you first and he’s not getting any of the limelight and she’s just protective of you.  And then he broke up with you.  Ouch.

Or then that time you found her private LiveJournal post where she’d Photoshopped both your faces onto the Twilight poster.  Yeesh.

Seriously, I’m just saying that you may want to consider a good, long talk or an even better, longer friendship sabbatical before she dedicates “Maps” to you at karaoke night.  Again.  It’s beginning to get a little embarrassing.  I’m just saying.

Thanks Videogum.

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