Please, Oh Please, OH PLEASE Let MTV Resurrect Bride & Tunnel
July 27, 2011

I’ll admit that I was tempted to head this post with a screen grab from when one of the male cast mates projectile vomits. I don’t know, it just felt like it’s more attention grabbing, but this being the blog that it is, I decided to go with the screen grab where a catfight erupts in a club and results with a girl getting shoved to the floor. My sensibilities are nothing if not consistent.

ANYWAYS, here’s a sizzle reel for MTV’s abandoned reality series Bridge & Tunnel. It’s basically like Jersey Shore, except it’s Staten Island. And everybody appears to live either at home or in a hotel? I don’t know. What I do know is that I haven’t gotten the trash TV train wreck tingles this bad since I saw the original Jersey Shore promo. The language is a little raw, but who cares? This show looks completely amazing:

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Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: On Lake Shore, the Canadian Jersey Shore
November 10, 2010

Salty language abounds, so pinkies out and headphones up, y’all:

You know, I’d try and come up with something pithy about train wrecks that smell like pine trees or how it’s refreshing to see that Italian Americans aren’t the ethnic group determined to embarrass themselves on television by actin’ a damn fool, but you know what?  I can have gay marriage, socialized medicine, biodegradable Sun Chip bags, AND this glorious mess?  F*ck it, America, I’m out!  RELEASE THE SNOOKI BOMB:

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Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: We’re Fist Pumpin’ in Miami, Bitch! (Or, on the Rest of the Season Premiere)
July 30, 2010

Oh lordy, y’all.  So Jersey Shore‘s second season premiered last night, and much like the above image from Videogum of Snooki and Sammi Sweetheart listening intently to their conchs, it was a strange thing of booze-fueled, sh*t-talking, train-wreck-of-zen beauty, and how could it be anything but?  Let’s discuss a few of my favorite moments, shall we?

Angelina’s returned prompted The Situation to deliver serious FACE:

Truer feelings of utter disbelief, total confusion, and SENSE OF IMPENDING RIDICUDRAMA have never been FACE’d.  Well played, The Situation.  Very well played, indeed.

And let’s not forget when Snooki gave a brief dissertation on revisionist history:

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Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: On the Season Two Trailer
June 30, 2010

Vodpod videos no longer available.

At a certain point, I stopped being excited for this train wreck to get back on the air and started being THE MOST excited for this train wreck to get back on the air.  That moment was when Snooki went after Angelina like that bitch stole her pickle.  Because that might be a metaphor about Vinnie’s sausage (hold the peppers), but it might not.

I mean, what can I say?  I might be a sucker for this paragon of grace and beauty:

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Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: On Nicknames
January 7, 2010

The simple reality of Jersey Shore is that, so long as you don’t think too hard about, everything about Jersey Shore is completely amazing, so it should go without saying that the nicknames are just another part of the equation.  That said, not all Jersey Shore nicknames are created equal.  

Take, for example, “Snooki” and “The Situation”:

Snooki’s actual name is Nicole.  If etymology is the evolution of language, then getting from Nicole to Snooki is the linguistic equivalent of a tabby cat giving birth to a duck-billed platypus.  Mike, on the other hand, calls his abs “The Situation,” and then sometimes he calls himself “The Situation,” which I suspect is less about about nicknames and more about his abs becoming self-aware, much like Skynet.  One nickname’s a freak of nature, and the other’s a sentient robot.  Both are signs of the Apocalypse.  

ANYWAYS, even though I was actually made aware of this a few weeks ago, we need to discuss the fact that there’s a Jersey Shore nickname generator.  Well, more pointedly, we need to discuss the fact that THIS is my nickname:

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Welcome to 2010! Now Here’s a Lesson in How to Catfight Like a Lady
January 5, 2010

Happy new year/decade, y’all!  Seeing as it’s now January 5th, we should obviously file this under my inimitable sense of blog timeliness, but can you blame me?  You’d be taking your sweet time getting back into the swing of things if you were missing the following deliciousness like the desert misses the rain:

Brokeback Mountain jokes are still relevant in 2010, right?  Whatever.  Between the chicken biscuits and that damn Polynesian sauce that they inexplicably insist on calling Polynesian sauce because I guess that’s less culturally insensitive than “Sweet and Sour sauce” (?), I’m already trying to figure out how I get myself to Paramus, New Jersey just so I can get myself another Chick-fil-A fix.  Don’t judge me.

ANYWAYS, now that we’re back in action, I think it’s appropriate that we discuss the human train wreck that is season four of Bad Girls Club because I just got caught up this weekend.  And because this catfight is the classiest thing I’ve seen in ages:

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Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: Once Again, On Pickles
December 17, 2009

In preparation for tonight’s impending train wreck episode of Jersey Shore, I think it’s important to clear up a major Snooki-related controversy that’s taken our cultural conversation by storm: 

This past weekend I decided to try to eat a pickle Snooki style, and you know what?  YOU CAN’T SUCK PICKLE JUICE OUT OF PICKLES.   Snooki wasn’t interested in passing down need-to-know techniques to enhance the fine art of pickle appreciation.  No no, this was about oral shmex, plain and simple.  I feel so naked, y’all, so very deceived.

And, yes, this obviously raises serious questions about her assertion that she invented the poof.  Once you’re capable of telling lies about pickle juice, you’re capable of telling lies about anything.

Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: On Pickles
December 11, 2009

Like I’ve previously observed, Jersey Shore is best enjoyed when don’t think about it.  For example, Angelina left the house after her married boyfriend dumped her and she couldn’t be bothered to come into work because she kept coughing really loudly in hopes that someone would notice her (which is the first symptom that you’re too sick to work), Ronnie and Sammi bumped uglies and played putt putt, and JWOWW’s boyfriend dumped her over kissing Pauly D, but I’m leaving this Jersey Shore conversation at that because I’m already on the verge of blacking out from all this stupid.

But last night’s episode also had this cramaziness, which was stupid AND worth talking about:

Watching Snooki eat a pickle like she was giving was giving a juiced-up guido’s sausage  a little mouth lovin’ took her into a whole new realm of train wreck love because I could empathize with her situation.  Sure, I may not fellate my pickles when I eat them, but I do have a serious food crush on the kosher dills.  Seriously, just thinking about that garlic and vinegary goodness has me hungry like I’m knocked up with quintuplets.

And to make this tangential discussion even more absurd (yes, it’s possible), my brain damn near fell out of my ear when I recognized the very brand of pickles that she was eating:

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Jersey Shore: Don’t Ask Questions. Just Enjoy the (Train Wreck) Ride
December 9, 2009

Sorry for the timeliness, y’all, but I’ve been stuck in deep contemplation over our most recent pop culture phenomenon that will surely be swept under the rug of irrelevancy as soon at something more stupefyingly trashtastic comes our way.  Naturally I’m referring Jersey Shore:

And, while as much as I love the duck phone and the multiple references to puke breath and the guidos’ cartoonish hyper-masculinity and the simple fact that Pauly D owns a tanning bed IN HIS OWN HOME BEDROOM (!?!?!), I’ve also come to the decision that it is nearly impossible to talk about this show because it’s profoundly stupid.  It’s basically a documentary that was rejected by PBS because PBS decided that it would be disingenuous to air a series that treats its subject matter like a comically exhibitionistic alien race as opposed to real people that are part of an actual cultural minority but was then saved when MTV came along and was like, “Standards, shmandards!  TAKE US TO YOUR ARTIFICIALLY TANNED LEADER!!!”  Really, attempting to apply any sort of critical thought to this show is like like begging for a brain aneurysm.

For example, I know that enjoying this show as a study in human train wrecks makes us all slightly worse people than we were before Jersey Shore was in our lives, but even acknowledging that makes my head hurt when I consider that these people are so confident in how they see themselves that they clearly could care less what the rest of us think.  It can only explain this:

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Or as I Like to Call It: Gindaloon, The Documentary Miniseries
November 11, 2009

Here’s the promo for MTV’s newest reality series, Jersey Shore, which just might be the nadir pinnacle of television programming:

It’s basically the bastard baby between The Hills and The Real Housewives of New Jersey, so it’s going to be 2009’s prize gem of trash television.  I personally hope that at least one girl pulls a Teresa and flips a table over, and I super hope at least one of the guys acts like this guy.  Chances are they will at least that ridiculous and then some, and that can mean only one thing:

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Tragedy Has Befallen Television! The Beautiful Life Has Been Cancelled
September 26, 2009

Even though I barely made it through the first episode of The Beautiful Life (that show was not good, y’all), I’m nevertheless saddened that CW has decided to pull the plug and cancel it after two episodes.  I’m in shock, and I suspect I’m not the only one:

mischa tbl cancellation disbelief

While the show itself was quite bland, I nevertheless cannot understand a world that would deny us Mischa Barton in a prime-time, youth-oriented soap opera.  This news is like the dysmal third season of The O.C., when the show became awful and Marissa Cooper was killed in a car accident, but now I can’t blame it on the public school kids.  When you look it up in the French dictionary, this is what they call “le sadness.”  But we haven’t just lost Mischa.  We’ve also lost this:

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Tuesday’s the New Hump Day, Which Is Reason Enough to Watch Melrose Place
September 8, 2009

I mean, how could you forget?  Those Melrose Place ads speak the truth, y’all:

6a00d83451d69069e2011572248ef0970b-500wi

Of course this ad’s referring specifically to crotch humping, but we’ve already been over that clever little innuendo.  The fact is that there’s simply no reason that you shouldn’t be watching the premiere tonight.  Seriously, feast your eyes on this 30-second tease of the impending trashapalooza and tell me it doesn’t sending you into a bad-taste tizzy:

Ha haha ha ha ha!  AMAZING!  I’ve honestly been far more gung-ho about this than I ever was about the 90210 reboot because the original Melrose Place is often spoken of as some sort of mid-90s camp television Holy Grail, and even the mere attempt to try and rebottle that go-for-broke-ridiculightening is all I need to dictate my plans for Tuesday evenings.  Added to that, there’s one incredibly important detail that I feel certain guarantees to make this guilty pleasure the guiltiest pleasure in ages:

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These Melrose Place Ads Tell Me All I Need to Know
August 25, 2009

Have you seen the print ads for this fall’s Melrose Place remake?  They’re straight-forward and to the point, and you have to applaud the marketing people at CW for not trying to advertise the show as anything more than the epically trashy shit show that it’ll indubitably be:

6a00d83451d69069e2011572248ef0970b-500wi

This poster says, “Melrose Place is about people that are prettier than you.  Prettier people that are doing it.  Some of them are in ugly shoes.  Others are allergic to shoes.  Oh, and sometimes there are old people, but they’re secondary to the young and pretty people that are doing it.”

But what about the other posters?  How much does the message stray?  Let us take a look:

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Internet, Make (Alternate) Dynasty Happen!
August 3, 2009

Remember yesterday’s nightmare?  How could you forget it?  It’s sadly burnt itself into my memory for all eternity.  Sweet mercy was it the worst!

Fortunately for us, the internet is sorta like Newton’s third law of motion, and so for every nightmarish thing that should not exist there is a brilliantly insane thing that most certainly should exist.  Such is the case of this video for an alternate opening for Dynasty, which envisions what I’m pretty certain is an even better version of Dynasty than the one that already exists.  Seriously:

Mon dieu!  All that genius has temporarily stunted my capacity to speak in English, so I’m stuck with responding in French: 

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Damnit, Gossip Girl! How Did You Know That Hilary Duff’s My Kryptonite?
July 1, 2009

Really, for no fathomable reason whatsoever, I’ve loved Hilary Duff ever since the summer I worked at Media Play and this video played on loop ALL DAMN THE TIME:

Is that a rhetorical question?  I don’t have the answer to such an existential question, Duff Duff!  Perhaps I’m crippled by a constant fear of stepping out of my comfort zone and encountering failure?  Maybe I just prefer color yellow over gold?  Really, I can’t say!  HELP ME UNDERSTAND!!!

Anyways, much to my utter (and utterly gay) delight, it’s being reported that Hilary Duff’ll be joining Gossip Girl this fall:

Duff, 21, will play a movie star named Olivia Burke who enrolls at NYU in search of a traditional, out-of-the-spotlight college experience. She will be roommates with Vanessa (played by Jessica Szohr).

Duff will first appear on the hit CW show during next season’s fourth episode, scheduled to air Oct. 5.

I can’t wait for this!  Really, this news is absolutely fabulous in so many different ways.  It means that Vanessa and her terribly styled “hipster” look will finally stop being relegated to selling us Dove soap during commercial breaks, which is nice because I really like her as a character even though the show never seems to know what the hell to do with her (except for disappearing to sell soap).  

This also means that Vanessa’s holier-than-thou-‘cos-I’m-from-Brooklyn attitude is now going to have a head on collision with a bona fide celebrity.  I smell GG catfight!  We’re going to see her turn up her knows so high that we’ll be able to count her boogers, but then of course Vanessa and the Duffster will become besties two scenes after their conflict is established because the narrative slow-burn is an art completely lost on the Gossip Girl writers.  Whatever.

Mostly, though, there’s something greater and infinitely more important that this news means, and do you want to know what it is?

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Someone Call PETA: Vampires Are The Latest Endangered Species!
June 24, 2009

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you the following public service announcement

Now, while I really do not want to be shanked by a Twihard, I must admit that I am a man of simple tastes. I like my beers cold, my Abercrombie models shirtless… and my Vampires to be seductive monsters whose dusty deaths by the hand of a perky heroine teach us valuable lessons about female empowerment. I have personally had enough of waifish pretty-boy Vampires strolling in the sunlight and waxing idiotic as they brood over the torturous nature of their violent and immortal existence.  And don’t get me started on the sparkling. It’s times like this, indeed, that I not only have no commitment to Sparkle Motion, I actively defy it. Consequently, I feel I must voice my alarm at the announcement that the CW, though it has brought us such guilty pleasures as Gossip Girl and Supernatural, is making its own sad bid to perpetuate and profit from the madness wrought by Stephanie Meyer . Obviously hoping to capitalize on the enthusiasm surrounding Twilight, the CW has announced that it has greenlit production on “Th Vampire Diaries,” which is apparently a small-screen adaptation of a lesser-known young adult romance series by the same name. The announcement caused a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of Twihards cried out in joy—and then were suddenly silenced as they rushed to a sale on body glitter at Hot Topic.

The plot, as described on the CW’s website, is what you would expect. Beautiful girl meets mysterious brooding boy, only to find out he’s a centuries old-Vampire burdened by his impossible existence. Ladies and gentleman, this is a catastrophe. Remember the days when Vampires were actually cool? The mythic personification of all our darkest fears? Symbols of the dangers of repressed sexuality given form? Literary representations of parasitic nobility feeding off the lifeblood of the common man? And now, today, reduced to mere objects of impossible love to cater to tweens and menopausal housewives. The fact that these books are warping an entire generation of girls with their ridiculous depiction of socio-sexual relationships aside, books like Twilight and Diaries are guilty of the more serious crime of making Vampires, well, lame.

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Found: Mischa Barton’s Career. Still Missing: Her Appreciation of Solid Food
June 2, 2009

Judging by all available pictures, Mischa Barton is Hollywood’s hardest working actress.  Why?  Because she doesn’t even have time to eat:

mischa barton hungry

Even back in her glory days as both a cast member of The O.C. (best show EVAH!) and the spokesperson for Neutrogena, I always found myself inexplicably compelled to throw bagels at the television screen and screechily demand her to eat something.  But then she died on The O.C., and with the death of Marissa came the apparent death of Ms. Barton’s career.  WRONG!  Bitch is back this fall on the CW, and her new show is the trashtacular The Beautiful Life.  Just feast your eyes on this mess:

If nothing else, I will watch this show in its entire run just to learn Mischa Barton’s stomp walk and head swivels.  Seriously, when I deliver mail at work, I want to STOMP STOMP STOMP over to my coworkers’ desks, give a hungry-hungry-bitchface look as I toss their mail down, HEAD TURN, then STOMP STOMP STOMP away.  Fortunately, though, Mischa and The Beautiful Life aren’t just educational tools on how to be a fierce bitch.  No no, they’re also a lesson in crafting mind-bending drama:

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The Gossip Girl We Know and Love Returned Last Night! Huzzah!!!
May 19, 2009

Just in time for its summer hiatus!  Fiddlesticks!!!  Though I don’t really think I can better express my extreme frustration than this visual diagram:

chuck blair gossip girl

See, like Blair’s inability to wait for Chuck to confess his love for her, such is my inability to wait for Gossip Girl to return next season.  That’s just how good it was.  Soooo good.  Incapable-of-making-complete-sentences good, even, so let’s just abandon all hope of a cohesive recap and discuss the highlights of this fabulous return to glittery trash.

Firstly, there was the moment in this episode when for a hot second we’re all led to believe that Eric’s boyfriend was Gossip Girl, but then after the commercial break we’re told that he’s not; he just happened to hack into her file server, which gives him access to her texts (?). That barely makes sense, seems inspired by one of the bevy of internet-themed thrillers that came out in the mid-1990s when our minds were being blown by dial-up and AOL, and also gave me the “Whaaaa?”-face of the century.  It may have only been a tease, but what a fantastic tease it was.

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Fingers Crossed the Returning Triumph of Gossip Girl is no Flash in the Pan
May 5, 2009

So after taking a pass at reviewing last week’s Gossip Girl on account of the fact that it would’ve pretty much consisted of nothing but different phrasings of “Georgina’s back” and lots of exclamation points (which is something I realize perhaps nobody else but me wants) I can attest that this week’s deserves at least a few words because–if nothing else–Eric has returned for 3 seconds!  And he’s not schilling for Neutrogena as I’d speculated!  Oh, and Georgina’s back, for realsies!  YESSS!!!!

georgina-bitch-back

Though speaking of schills, poor Vanessa seems to officially be CW’s face of Dove products, which let’s not forget is the company that markets itself around ideas of natural beauty, aka the sort of beauty Gossip Girl has precisely no interest in acknowledging.  I for one find Jessica Szohr to be really pretty, so color me shocked that the creators have dropper her but keep bringing out Rat-Nest-Raccoon-Face for the most random things (giving Rufus pep talks and distracting Lily so Rufus finish preparing his proposal dinner was yet another unsubtle nail in the we-haven’t-a-clue-what-to-do-with-you coffin).  

And speaking of Lil’ J, couldn’t they’ve at least found a way to briefly reunite the hag with her fag?  That could’ve been the moment where someone finally bitch-slap some style sense into her, but alas.  Apparently Jenny’s fug, like the city in which she calls home, never sleeps.

Anyways, I’m digressing. Given how ridiculous last night’s episode was, it looks like everybody apparently took their crazy pills in the intermittent time between shows. 

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Lost‘s Jeremy Davies Was on Melrose Place? Whaaa???
April 29, 2009

If you watch Lost, you know that it’s the greatest show on TV, but every once and a while once and a while don’t you find yourself wishing that there was just a little less of the smoke monsters and the time travel and a little bit more of the tawdry, gay melodrama?  Goodness knows I do!  Thankfully, Jeremy Davies once had a role on Melrose Place.  As a recovering crack addict/gay hustler.  Perfect.

Sweet mercy, between the pitchy, shrill laughs and the sheepishly limp wrist, he really nailed the 90s stereotypical gay male caricature.  If only he had a lisp, then it would have been truly complete, a veritable trifecta of faggotry, if you will!

Having seen this, though, I’m going to from now on pretend that Daniel Faraday’s neurotic tics and general nervousness aren’t traits related to his crazy brilliance; no no, I’m going to pretend it’s from the crack withdrawal.  Looks like I just made Lost a little bit more interesting.  Hire me, Damon Lindeloff!  I’ve got so many great/inappropriate-for-the-direction-of-your-show ideas to give!

Kudos to Movieline for noting this early 90s artifact.

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