When Christina Aguilera Tickles Your Gay Fancy, She Pre-Sells Another Copy of Bionic
April 27, 2010

I may know about as much about selling records as I do about finding the G-spot (a surprising amount, actually!), which is precisely why I concur with Christina Aguilera that tranny glambot from outer space is a great look to put on the cover for your latest album, Bionic:

christina aguilera bionic album cover high resolution

Think about it for a second and you’ll realize how this cover has great crossover appeal for both Joan Crawford enthusiasts AND cyborg fetishists.  Genius!

Also, if this promotional photo from the video for “Not Myself Tonight” is any indicator, she’s also wisely courting fans of Showgirls, Madonna’s “Like a Prayer” video, and leather daddies.  Or in other words, quite possibly every gay man on Earth:


There’s No Better News Than the News That Hedwig and the Angry Inch Is Heding Back to Broadway
March 31, 2010

Get it?  Hed-ing?  In a story about Hedwig and the Angry Inch?  It’s a pun, A PUN!  Carrie Sadshaw would be so proud!  And I probably should have switched to decaf before writing about this glorious news!  Seriously, it’s hard to type when your eyeballs won’t stop vibrating on account of those few too many cups of coffee and and the rush of adrenaline brought about by PURE EXCITEMENT, but I digress.

The New York Post is reporting that Hedwig and the Angry Inch will be coming to Broadway this fall with all of its principal artistic forces intact.  John Cameron Mitchell will be reprising the role of everybody’s favorite botched-job transexual rocker, and Steven Trask will be adding additional songs and musical material.  Added to that, David Binder and Peter Askin will be returning as producer and director, respectively.

In related news brought to you first by me, thousands upon thousands of gay men and fag hags the world over are making this face right now. Understandably so, theater queens and the ladies who love them, but let’s all simmer down.  There’s more to the Post‘s story, and this part is particularly intriguing:


Rejoice! Powder Blue is Out on DVD Today!
May 26, 2009

I woke up this morning with an extra spring in my step and a renewed sense of hope for the world.  It’s safe to say that we all know why:


YESSSSSS!!!  After what’s seemed like an eternity of waiting, Powder Blue has finally made it’s way to DVD!  

Today feels just like Christmas, which–seeing as Powder Blue is set on Christmas Eve–is totally fitting.  Only it’s much better than Christmas because we’re getting Forest Whitaker begging a tranny prostitute to kill him, Lisa Kudrow sharing her tips to a successful diet, and a whole bunch of Jessica Biel’s ACTING.  And her dirty pillows.  Mostly, though, we’re getting Jessica Biel’s ACTING, which apparently involves her being addicted to cocaine (naturally…because she’s a stripper) and pouring candle wax on her ta-tas (naturally…because she’s a stripper).  In other words, Powder Blue is the classiest, most seriously artistic endeavor cinema has ever seen.  EVER.  Thank you, Timothy Linh Bui.

Don’t even bother Netflixing this mess, y’all.  We may be in a recession so blah blah blah fiscal responsibility blah blah blah, but that doesn’t mean you can’t afford the small pittance it’ll cost on Amazon.  Seriously, $12.99 (plus shipping and handling, ‘cos I know you want this mess overnighted) is a bonafide bargain if it’s supporting the beginning of Jessica Biel’s inevitable career as a camp icon.  This is her Showgirls, y’all, and she’s Powder Blue‘s Elizabeth Berkley.  And don’t even bother feigning your best surprise face: I’ve already got my copy next to me.

So I hope you prepare yourself, people.  I’m about to bring the Powder Blue love out like it’s my blog job, and that’s a blog promise.  I hope you like batshit crazy, because that’s all I’ll be serving for quite a while.

And, lastly, if you came here looking for Jessica Biel’s boobs and are disappointed to instead find a distinct lack of said boobs, allow me to redirect you here.  There you go.  Biel boobs to warm your heart and nourish your inner aspect.  You’re welcome.

Powder Blue Looks Like the Train-Wreckiest Train Wreck
April 3, 2009

Look out, Elizabeth Berkley!  If the trailer for Powder Blue is any indication whatsoever, it looks like Jessica Biel’s in the running for Worst Performance as a Stripper.  I’m usually capable of withstanding large amounts of awful for the sake of good camp, but even I don’t know if I can make it through this mess.  Seriously, y’all, this movie looks terrible, and not in the fun way:

Admittedly, this movie will inevitably find an audience regardless of whether or not it’s campalicious because it’s already getting major press as the movie where Jessica Biel strips.  Given that I could care less for boobs, though, all I’m gonna get is a whole lot of overwrought seriousness.  This movie looks like it wants to be sooooooo serious with all its fragile, damaged characters that are supposed to reflect the frustrations and isolations that come with living in this day and age.  

Jessica Biel is a disenchanted stripper with a sick son and a good heart.  Forest Whitaker is a suicidal ex-priest who wants a tranny prostitute to shoot him.  And then there’s odd the mortician who’s just lonely and awkward and totally not a serial killer.  And let’s not forget Patrick Swayze, who looks like a tranny prostitute but apparently isn’t.  The characters are SERIOUS, y’all.  It’s nothing but 😦 all around for these guys.

Oh, and how could I forget the completely dialogue dialogue imbued with the glimmer of hope all serious movies need as they dissect the human condition:

Sad-faced stripper: When tomorrow comes, everything’s going to be okay.

Not-a-serial-killer mortician: Everything’s going to be okay.

Somehow, I don’t think it will be.  Powder Blue will still be on your resume.

I shouldn’t get too mean, though.  I’m not saying that this movie looks good or even enjoyably bad, but that doesn’t mean it’s not being moved to the top of my Netflix queue as we speak.  I’m just saying.

Lady Gaga: 1, My Resistance to Lady Gaga: 0
April 1, 2009

For quite some time, I’ve been trying to not give Lady Gaga even the slightest shred of respect.  Her interview in Entertainment Weekly had me convinced that she was a batshit insane hack as she talked about the feminism of riding a “discostick,” her “art,” and her self-made comparisons to Andy Warhol.  Yes, Lady Gaga, an allergy to pants and a penchant for ridicu-sunglasses truly qualifies as inspired feminist pop art.  I really must brush up on on my art history; I’ve clearly forgotten so much!

Much to my surprise and horror, though, Lady Gaga has proved my bitchiness wrong.  Maybe it’s that her  New York Magazine profile paints her as a self-aware, “post-camp persona,” and we all know how much I love all things camp.  Second to U2, I love it the most.  Reading that she takes fashion inspiration from transvestives is the sort of thing that makes me fall in love with a woman; and by fall in love, I mean want to be her best friend.  I’m no tranny myself (the beard makes it kinda difficult), but any performer that wants to queer-up pop culture is a-okay in my book.  

Mostly, though, I have to give it up for Ms. Gaga because of her video for “LoveGame.”  Don’t even start to think this mess is safe for work, suitable for viewing if you’re my mother, or remotely heterosexual in its stylings.  Once you’ve accepted those three simple things, though, you’re thoroughly prepared for this dazzling atom bomb of glittery homosexuality:

I don’t even know if there are words that can express the intense heights of homosexuality that this video reaches.  It’s as though Lady Gaga has climbed the Mt. Everest of gaydom and then built a gay high rise where she now resides in its gay penthouse.  She’s completely kicked the ass of the collective gay community by out-gaying each and every one of us.  I look like a frat boy at a strip club talking about sports while getting a lap dance from a girl with blond hair and big boobs in comparison; Chris Crocker looks positively bicurious.  “LoveGame” is like her announcing that she has the technology; she want us to be better, stronger, faster.  And much, MUCH gayer.  She wants to build the bionic fag.

The one thing that confuses me is why Lady Gaga is getting her “sexy” on for her posse of obviously gay men either in large groups or with pairs on a bench.  One of these guys is wearing a mesh tank top, for Pete’s sake!  I don’t think I’m going out on a limb when I say I’m quite sure that she won’t be taking a ride on any of their discosticks.  Otherwise this video makes perfect (non)sense.  

Of all the crazy trains, I think we can agree:  Lady Gaga’s has the most comfy seats and the best meals in the dining car.  Seriously, girl, you’ve gotta try the steak; it’s divine.

%d bloggers like this: