John Carpenter’s Frozen Would Be a Frozen Finally Worth Watching
March 4, 2015

frozen blood test scene john carpenter the thing

Pardon the pun, but Frozen is one of those zeitgeisty juggernauts that left me…cold. I get that everybody loved it, most notably The Gays “and” John Travolta, but not me. I won’t bother defending such a deeply unpopular opinion, either, because my excommunication papers are already being processed by an unforgiving Hell’s Kitchen queen with an Idina Menzel prayer shrine and a Tumblr blog filled with Precious Moments GIFs and Kristoff/Duke slash fiction. ANYWAYS, here’s a video by indie filmmaker and animator Lee Hardcastle. It’s a claymation mashup of Frozen characters and the blood test scene from John Carpenter’s The Thing, so there’s animated blood and NSFW language, but who cares? This is great:

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Mother Benjamin’s No-Fail Cold Cure
July 20, 2009

Seeing as I was apparently in wont, life decided to give me a high five.  Oh, excuse me, I meant a cold.  Sweet.  Fortunately, though, my weekends are usually spent hidden away in my bedroom watching television and being a lazy ass, so this was no serious change of plans, save for the incessant hacking and sexy frog voice.  

Added to that, it got me thinking about my fool-proof, no-fail cold cure.  Seeing as I wasn’t a harbinger of the plague, and seeing as I prefer to save my special recipe for insta-health for the most brutal of colds, I didn’t actually resort to using it this weekend; nevertheless, that doesn’t mean I can’t blog about it.  Call it preventative blogging.  Or “Somebody’s clearly shit out of ideas this Monday morning.”  Either or is fine by me.

Anyways, my remedy is as easy as one, two, disease-free!  Seriously, step one:

chicken noodle stars

What’s simpler than popping open a can of Campbell’s Chicken Noodle soup so you can start down your road to wellville?  NOTHING.  Though make sure to note that, in accordance with the above illustration, you get Chicken & Stars.  I’m not saying that the only soup that will effectively work is Chicken & Stars.  I’d imagine that the curative power of chicken soup transcends the shape of the noodle, but–like white diamonds for Elizabeth Taylor–Chicken & Stars has always brought me luck.  And, really, why then mess with success?

The real secret, however, lies in what you watch while consuming said Chicken & Stars while huddled under a mass of covers only to throw them off ten minutes later because you’re suddenly overcome with a nasty case of the fever sweats.  In these dark hours when your body feels as though it’s on a nightmarish crusade against your physical and emotional well-being, it’s important to have a cinematic experience that reminds you that you could in much worse shape.  Much, much worse (and grosser as well, so faint-of-heart and my mother beware):

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