The Lady Tigra’s “Summertime LA” Is the Hottest New Summer Jam
July 28, 2011

I know I said “I Got Pregnant” was our summer jam, but changing her mind is prerogative held by both women and fickle queens alike, y’all. Besides, the Lady Tigra’s “Summertime” has swooped in like a p*ssed off, crown-hungry drag queen and SNATCHED. MY. LOVE. Can you blame me? Those lyrics? POETRY. The beats? SICKENING. Seriously, the only thing hotter than waiting in an MTA station in NYC this past weekend is this song. One’s guaranteed to make you sweat, the other make you moist. Ew. Whatever. So hot, this song! The hottest, even!

Oh, and also:

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‘Cos It Ain’t Summer Without a Summer Jam: “I Got Pregnant”
June 9, 2011

I don’t know about you guys, but it is f*cking hot as balls in NYC, y’all. Seriously, I grew up in the South, so I’m well aware that this is what summers do: they get hot. No duh. I’m also well aware of the fact, though, that at a certain temperature there’s only one effective way to really cool off: or sipping gin and tonics and fanning yourself on a plantation veranda. However, seeing as I sadly do not live in a Tennessee Williams play, we’ll have to try and cool off with our new summer jam, “I Got Pregnant”:

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“Relator” is Catchier Than a Pandemic, Y’all
June 16, 2009

I was full-on DO-NOT-WANT! when Scarlett Johansson released her album of Tom Waits covers.  It struck me as an ego trip wrapped in a vanity project, so I avoided it plague-style.  Needless to say, I was totally braced for a second helping of that reaction when I read on Stereogum that she was teaming up with Pete Yorn for an album called Break Up.  Pete Yorn may be able to reverse my “No, No, New Jersey” policy, but could he possibly lend credibility to Ms. Johansson’s singing career?  Well, you’re welcome to form your own opinion by listening to the first single, “Relator,” over here, but as for me, well:

scarlett_pete_relator_love

“Relator” is some seriously catchy business, y’all!  Those guitars are popalicious from the very get go, that bass line is delightful, and I’m really digging Scarlett Johansson.  Maybe it’s just perfect timing, but this song is totally my summer jam.  It’s got a warm bubbliness to it that is perfect for iPod time when walking the streets of New York City.  “Relator” and a Mr. Softee ice cream on a balmy summer day would be amaaaazing.  Not the balmy part, per se, but summers in the city do have that tendency to feel like you’re sitting in a fat man’s ass crack.  Seriously, New York City summers are totally the worst, but “Relator” is so good that it can make anything great.  Including Scarlett Johansson’s music career.  Pete Yorn’s got the magic touch, y’all!

Break Up drops September 8th, by the by.  Given how good “Relator” is, though, I’m not built for that sort of patience without a conniption fit or seven.

Heidi Montag’s “Sex Ed” is Your New Favorite Song
April 29, 2009

Do you enjoy having your ears bleed?  Have you ever wondered what awful sounds like?  Is good taste your enemy, and do you imagine opening the Lament Configuration to be your idea of a pleasant way to spend a Saturday afternoon?  Well, if you answered yes to any of these, then do I ever have the summer jam for you.  It’s Heidi Montag’s “Sex Ed,” and it’s profound(ly bad):

I mean, are there words for this?  Heidi Montag’s totally raised the bar on scraping the bottom of the barrel, and for that she genuinely deserves applause.  On one hand, this is without a doubt the single most dreadful piece of noise that’s been misnomered as music I’ve ever heard in my entire life, but on the other hand I just can’t stop listening to it.  This is the soundtrack to my dreams when I dream of Showgirls 2.  This “song” is so terrible that I imagine it’s come from a different universe where everything’s indubitably the worst, or at the very least a another planet where everything is backwards.  “Sex Ed” is the new gold standard of bad ideas, and this mess is completely amazing.

Also, I think it goes without saying, but the photo that accompanies this mess merely confirms what we’ve all suspected: Heidi Montag is one classy bitch.  When Spencer Pratt tries to run for President of the United States, which is a horrifying prospect that I’ve never the less accepted as most likely inevitable, this woman could be First Lady.  Remember that when you go into the voting booths of the future, America.  Remember that.

Thank goodness we’ve got Videogum to discover the finest pleasures in life.

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