This Week in Irresponsible (and Timely) Mad Men Recaps: Once Upon a Time, When We All Loved Doggy Chow
October 31, 2009

My goodness.  Has it really been nearly a week since this past week’s Mad Men?  Shitfire, y’all, it really has been!  And even though the interwebs have already had a week to give us thoroughly considered and Does that mean this week’s Mad Men won’t be recapped?  Absolutely not!  But does that mean this week’s recap is going to make like a Talking Heads’ concert film and stop making sense?  You’d best believe it!

First things first, serious talk and schadenfreude :

suzanne farrell hahaha

I mean, I hate to sound like an unsympathetic monster, but there was something waaay too satisfying having to watch her walk back home after spending half an evening hunched down in the passenger’s seat of Don’s car.  Seriously, I’d about had enough watching Don and Suzanne wreak havoc on my eyeballs plan their romantic getaway vacation this episode, but fortunately Betty and the kids came back early from their trip to Grandpa Eugene’s house, which brings us to the serious talk:

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What’s Japanese for Train Wreck?
June 4, 2009

Yesterday, one of my co-workers sent me this e-mail:

e-mail

It should be noted that this is the co-worked who introduced us all to the dance magic that is Sara Carlson, so I immediately was optimistic.  Had he found Sara Carlson’s dance interpretation of the life of a Passion play?  Nope.  Even better.  It’s the straight-to-DVD revival of Brittany Murphy’s career.  The Ramen Girl, y’all:

Hot toddy!  Wouldn’t it have been more appropriate to just title this Japanese Cultural Fetish: The Movie?  Or Lost in Translation 2: Miso Sad ‘n Hungry?  Whatever.  This is a movie about Brittany Murphy learning to make schadenfreude soup with her tears of sadness because it’s her destiny (huh?).  Or at least that’s what the cat statue tells her (what?).  Riiiight.  

Was Brittany Murphy’s character high on something in the soup (mushrooms?  crack noodles?) that caused her to trip balls and devote her life to being a soupmonger?  Was the screenwriter high on something when they thought this was a story that needed to be told?  I’m personally betting it was weed because a movie all about ramen noodles is totally something a stoner would write.  That, or a movie all about Pillsbury Toaster Strudels.  

Whatever, I shouldn’t throw stones of bitchery because we all know what’s going to happen.  I don’t know how she does it, but Brittany Murphy sings the most irresistible siren’s song that always brings me crashing onto the jagged rocks of her bad movies.  It’ll probably be terrible, and I’ll probably hate myself for watching it, but at least I can safely say it’s not going to be as bad as Little Black Book.  Or Uptown Girls.  Really, if I can make it through the following mess, I can make it through anything:

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Heidi Montag’s Sad Face is the New Face of Schadenfreude
June 2, 2009

Never in a million years would I consider watching something like I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!  I get that my pop culture eating would suggest I’ve the diet of a subway rat, but even I’ve gotta draw the line somewhere, and my line is Heidi Montag and her pet monster husband, Spencer Pratt.  Other than producing mind-meltingly awful (yet occasionally masochistically catchy) music, they’re pretty terrible human beings who’re famous simply for playing fake versions of themselves on The Hills.  They’ve no cultural value beyond being a prime example of shameless self-promotion at its narcissistic worst.  As such, it’s no surprise whatsoever that I take such pleasure in this image:

heidi montag schadenfreude

Apparently Heidi and Spencer a fit over being forced to slum it Survivor style, and this caused Heidi to have an on-camera breakdown.  Gawker has a clip of it, and it’s poetry in motion to be sure, but all I really need is this picture to get me through the day.  I’m going set it up as my wallpaper on my computer, and I’m going to print out a copy and laminate it and keep it in my wallet in case I ever need something to make me smile during my MTA commute.  I’ll paint a fresco of this picture, Sistine Chapel style, so I can wake up to this sublime beauty every morning.  Ben and Jerry’s needs to use this picture as inspiration for a new flavor called “Heidi’s Decadent Tears of Sorrow.”  I’m thinking black raspberry and sweet cream swirls with white chocolate tears, but that’s just me.   

This picture says so much about celebrity culture today, about the grotesque sense of entitlement and the monstrous egos that balloon because we allow the frequency of being written about in Us Weekly and blogged about on the internet–as opposed to being appreciated for an actual talent–to be the new barometer for being famous.  More importantly, this picture is like looking at that sort of “celebrity” fall into itself like a black hole of self-importance.  When you think about it, this picture’s a train wreck of the uglier impulses of the human condition.  A beautiful, beautiful train wreck.

Cheers to E! Online for the screen grab.

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