Happy Birthday to Our First Lady of New York and Camp Icon for the Foodie Crowd, Sandra Lee!
July 3, 2011

You know, when the news broke two Fridays ago that New York voted to legalize same-sex marriage, my initial reaction was jubilation, my second was that we’d finally done it, third that Governor Andrew Cuomo is a hero, and my fourth was to f*ck all that noise ‘cos I’m putting this one entirely on First Ladyfriend of New York, Sandra Lee!

Really, I’m sure there’s an argument to be made about changing cultural climates and increased societal acceptance and blah blah blah, but I’d much prefer to believe that us gays would’ve never gotten to where we are today without tablescapes and Cocktail Times. So here’s to Sandra Lee! Keep on winning over our hearts with your crazy, giving such exquisite face, and being the kind of fabulous First Lady this fine state of New York deserves! And because such a day deserves a celebratory drink, let’s all join Sandra for a Lush Lagoon:

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Hooray for the New First Lady of New York, Ms. Sandra Lee!
November 3, 2010

You know, I should probably be more bothered over last night’s elections, but I’m curiously at ease with all of this.  Sure, I find the news that Iowa apparently lost its damn mind and voted out three of their state’s supreme court judges on account of last year’s ruling to make Iowa one badass bitch of a state to be both terribly disheartening and equally worrisome, but I’m also young and optimistic, so I know I still have plenty of time to meet and marry my dream Canadian boyfriend.  Or any Canadian, for that matter (HEYYY LADIEEES).  What can I say?  Desperate times (Sarah Palin for President) call for desperate measures (sham marriages).  Just sayin’.

Of course, it’s also worth noting I’m currently taking great comfort in Andrew Cuomo trouncing Carl Paladino and being elected Governor of New York.  Carl Paladino is The Worst, and not only is Andrew Cuomo is not The Worst, you know what else?  He’s dating Food Network persona Sandra Lee.  Sanity has been restored, y’all, and on top of all that, I bet the governor’s mansion is long overdue for a semi-homemade makeover:

You know, the sort makeover that happens when ponies stop doing musicals and start doing interior decoration.

Now you might be thinking to yourself that this is a terrible idea, but let me tell you, America: NO, IT’S NOT.  You might say tablescapes and cocktail time have no place in quote-unquote “serious politics,” but that’s suggesting we have to restore ALL the sanity.  Can’t we save just one oh-so-delectable slice of batshit crazy and toss the rest of the insanity into the dumpster?  I mean, have you seen what happens when she dresses up for her Halloween episodes, America?  This happens:

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Sandra Lee Gives Great (Yuck) Face
March 10, 2010

Look, there’s little reason in trying to tell Sandra Lee a cocktail made from lemonade, heavy cream, and vodka is a probably not a good idea.  Seriously, that woman is an unstoppable freight train of batshit craziness fueled by tablescapes and liquid delicious (booze),which is hardly a bad thing.  It’s just a thing that means she’ll have to learn this particular lesson the hard way:

I’m pretty sure the first face she makes before she even pulls the glass away from her mouth is the one that says, “This was a bad idea.”  The other three-dozen or so faces are her figuring out exactly what sort of bad idea it is.  And while I’m no professional face reader, if this “I hope no one realizes I just threw up in my mouth a little” face is any indication of the taste-bud bleakness:

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Is Sandra Lee is My New Favorite Food Lady?
July 17, 2009

Despite the fact that I’ve never met a meal I didn’t like (and I’ve even had the McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish, which probably says many a thing about my cast-iron stomach and my utter lack of any culinary sensibilities), I’m not a Food Network junkie.   This is particularly curious seeing as Food Network plays home to my Southern-fried soulmate, Paula Deen:

paula deen love

Seriously, this lady that advocates eating like heart-attacks are the new dogs-in-purses and speaks with an accent that’s thicker than sawmill gravy.  She’s completely crazy, but in the best way possible (i.e., with ample amounts of butter).  I was all but certain that my love for her could never be challenged, but–like the best laid schemes of mice and men–I had not anticipated witnessing the mind-altering brilliance that is this highly concentrated dose of Sandra Lee’s particular brand of insanity sauce:

Whoah-and-three-quarters, y’all.  Much of this video’s genius, admittedly, is in the editing.  It’s so perfectly executed that you begin to suspect that Sergei Eisenstein, the father of montage theory himself, would have kind words for the work displayed above.  That is, if he was still alive.  Or a zombie.

That all said, it doesn’t change the fact that Sandra Lee sounds like she might kill her parents with those incredible foodgasms she’s having.  Nor does it change the fact she really loves her cocktail time, and it certainly doesn’t change the fact the only thing she loves more than cocktail time is saying the world delicious.   Maybe I’m just gravitating to the magnetic pull of her feathered hair, or perhaps it’s something in the way that she says paprika, but all I know for certain is that she’s captivated the heart of this homo.  She’s giving Paula Deen a serious run in the favorite-food-lady department, and I think we know what this means:

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