Today’s Fabulous Image in Cinema: The Dolphin Statue in Twilight
July 12, 2010

This past weekend, I may or may not have finally sat down and watched Twilight for the time (don’t judge me), and I may more or may not have really enjoyed myself (like I said, don’t judge me).  Regardless of what did or did not happen this past weekend, though, there is definitely a dolphin statue at the end of Twilight, which of course can only mean one thing: super-secret Showgirls reference!  While it remains unclear as to who would be responsible for this homage to the Greatest Movie Ever Made (a cheeky set designer’s assistant?  Catherine Hardwicke?  STEPHANIE MEYER?!?), that doesn’t mean we can’t discuss the Dolphin Statue as if it’s a thing that it’s most probably not.  Besides, my money’s on the Mormon (then again, when is it not?), so let’s talk this one through, shall we?

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A Few Reasons I Probably Shouldn’t Discuss Remember Me
March 2, 2010

So I’ve been asked to spend a few words on this:

I might as well have been asked to give an introductory lecture on the films of John Wayne or an instructional course on finding the G-Spot.  There really are too many reasons to count as to why I should take a pass on this one, but popular demand (aka, a single request posted on my Facebook wall) is popular demand, so I decided the best way to talk about Remember Me is to actually talk about why I shouldn’t talk about Remember Me.  Now let’s get meta and do this thing.

Reason One: Inevitable Teen Girl Squad Backlash

If the first year of Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner has taught me anything, it’s that you do NOT challenge the tastes of teenage girls with internet connections.  They will metaphorically shank you with their hastily composed comments, and each misspelled word and basic grammatical error will sting worse than a thousand paper cuts from thoroughly dog-eared copy of Breaking Dawn.  Believe me.  I know.

Anyways, for that reason alone I know that I shouldn’t contribute my two cents on Remember Me, or any Robert Pattinson movie for that matter.  No matter the movie,  it will only end in bad things (burning my effigy in a chaotic orgy of hormone-addled bloodlust?).  Particularly if I were to started flapping my trap about that one where he played a gay Salvadore Dali (burning me at the stake in a chaotic orgy of hormone-addled bloodlust).  Like I said, I know I shouldn’t, but that’s obviously not stopping me.

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Don’t Judge Me.
September 16, 2009

There’s a well known saying that goes “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em; and if you tend to share similar interests with legions of teenage girls, don’t even try and front.”  Truer words have probably never been spoken, and so it is with a deep shame that I admit the following: 

new moon excitement

I know I’ve previously acknowledged that I’m Twicurious to see the movie as an anthropological expedition of sorts, and I’d love to continue to feign such ironic detachment all the way ’til the much ballyhooed Apocalypse of 2012, but there are some forces that are simply too powerful to deny.  And apparently those forces involve  Kristen Stewart’s hysterics, abs, and Dakota Fanning:

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