The New Trailer for the Remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street Is Almost Perfect. I Said ALMOST.
February 25, 2010

After months of anticipation and a near stint at streetwalking, we’ve finally been blessed with a new trailer for the new A Nightmare on Elm Street.  So let’s all put down those ho boots and wipe off that lipstick and watch this thing:

I don’t want to sound like an ungrateful bitch or anything, but really?  Stop being mean, New Line Cinema!  This isn’t a trailer; it’s a cruel two-and-a-half-minute assault on my last fraying strand of patience.  I mean, my old-fashioned ass may prefer Wes Craven’s use of practical effects to have Freddy come through the wall:

Over this:

But I’m not going to shed crybaby tears over the CGI because then I might as well just be saying, “Wah, I’m OLD.”  The fact is that I love everything about this trailer except for the whole waiting two more months part.  That part’s the worst.

Like I said, though, no crybaby tears.  Mostly because the film’s look is winning me over, and Jackie Earle Haley’s Freddy Krueger is seriously freaking my shit out.  But let’s not lie.  There’s also this incentive to see the new A Nightmare on Elm Street:

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At Last! My Hopes for a New Nightmare on Elm Street Remake Trailer Have Been Answered. Sorta
February 23, 2010

Out of respect to the small yet loyal blog audience that regularly indulges my crazy, I’ve avoided incessantly rants about my increasingly impatient yearning for a new trailer for the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street.  Why?  Because even I’m aware of how much that would start to drag ass.  

That said, ever since the teaser trailer showed up last fall and made me change my mind about this whole affair, I’ve been hungry for more, and now we’re two months from its release without any news of another trailer in sight, which means I’ve been a hot second away from turning tricks on the street corner for even a little Nightmare on Elm Street remake somethin’ somethin’.

Fortunately for my sense of dignity and everyone else’s eyes, ComingSoon.net has a quick fix in the form of a new teaser poster:

nightmare on elm street remake teaser poster 2

Sure, this is basically the first teaser poster except now it’s all about Face whereas before it was about Glove, but you know what?  I’ll take it.  Desperate times call for desperate measures, y’all.  Particularly when fishnets and hooker heels really aren’t your best look.  

Oh, and while we’re at it, ShockTillYouDrop.com has gathered some new promo stills from over at MovieGod.de.  Let’s go take a peek and see what we can figure out:

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The Nightmare on Elm Street Remake Now Has a Trailer. Let’s All Discuss
September 28, 2009

So this is still most definitely happening:

nightmareonefull-thumb-480x710-3195

And, yes, I may have in the past been a little harsh when it comes to the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street.  Okay, I’ve definitely been really harsh.  But whatever.  I can’t help myself.  I’m inclined to be protective of the horror films that I hold dear.  That, and I have a tendency to become hyperbolically bitchy when it comes to defending said films from the clutches of Hollywood remakery.  These things happen.

Anywhosie, the first official trailer for the remake has splattered itself all over the interwebs (get it?  It’s a horror pun.  ‘Cos this blog is the face of sophisticated, erudite humor. Le duh.), so let’s all watch and reassess the situation based upon the latest evidence.  After all, that’s how scientists and the cast of CSI: Miami do things in the real world:

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DO. NOT. WANT.
August 20, 2009

Really?  REALLY???

I’m not one to take much stock in a story that first emerged from a Twitter feed, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be utterly outraged by the mere thought of it.  So here are 140 characters (or less!) from Production Weekly are likely to crush your soul:

Lionsgate is developing a remake of the 1987 classic “Dirty Dancing,” from a new script by Julia Dahl.

Of course, there’s a logical and immediate reaction to this bad idea to end all other bad ideas:

dirty dancing remake

As is, this is already pretty much the most abysmal idea I’ve ever heard, and that’s not even considering about how I’m possibly biased because one of the movie’s most famous lines is directly responsible for this blog’s name.  I’m most certainly am biased, yes, but there’s also no denying that Dirty Dancing is one of the iconic pop masterpiece of the 1980s.  You really can’t top Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey dancing to “Time of My Life,” so why the hell bother trying?

Also, the Dirty Dancing remake is being scripted by the woman responsible for this:

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How Much Longer Can I Still Refuse to Believe That the Poltergeist Remake Is Happening?
August 13, 2009

Yesterday, Laura reminded me that MGM is planning to remake Tobe Hooper’s (or, if you believe the rumors, Steven Speilberg’s) 1982 masterpiece, Poltergeist.  We all know how I feel about that:

poltergeist remake bad idea

 The Poltergeist remake is the sort of thing that I’ve been desperately trying to forget for the past several years, and I had remained quite hopeful that it would remain nothing more than baseless chatter and drafts of scripts that would ultimately languish in development for all eternity.  This isn’t optimism so much as flat out denial, but I get a feeling I can’t play ostrich much longer, y’all.

As there’s no word yet from Variety, I haven’t yet been forced to slam my head against my desk in disbelief that it’s any closer to actually existing.   ShockTillYouDrop.com claims that the Poltergeist remakes set to come out on Thanksgiving of 2010, and that’s more than enough for me to start bracing for impending cinematic doom.  To borrow one of Shmathan’s favorite interweb meme phrases: It’s going to be a catastrophe!

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I’m Already Underwhelmed by the Nightmare on Elm Street Remake
July 24, 2009

It’s Friday.  Barely anybody’s in the office at work on account of summer Friday, and the phones are hardly ringing for the very same reason.  Added to that, I’ve already gorged on McDonald’s for breakfast, and I plan on devouring a Cosi tuna melt for lunch.  Oh, and the highly anticipated  (by me) ridicufest that is Orphan is out today.  You would think that, what with this perfect storm of things that make me happy, I could put my bitchery stew on the back burner for a day.  Hahahaha, NEVER.  The bitchery stew never stops cooking, y’all.  Somedays it’s just spicier than others.

That all said, I must admit that my initial fury of the Nightmare on Elm Street remake has lessened as I’ve come to accept three things: This remake is going to happen no matter how much I detest its existence, Jackie Earle Haley is pretty much the best person to play Freddy Kruger, and I’m going to end up seeing this movie no matter how bad the reviews are.  I simply can’t be bothered to learn from my mistakes.  

And at long last, the first image of Haley’s Freddy Kruger has finally wandered its way onto the internet, but you know what?  Meh:

nightmare on meh street

I really want to be enthusiastic about because this movie doesn’t have to suck.  Hell, done right, it’s entirely possible it could be good!  But this doesn’t really look good.  Don’t get me wrong, Jackie Earle Haley will probably be a great Freddy Krueger, but I personally feel that the iconic look of the striped sweater and fedora belong to Robert Englund.  As far as I’m concerned, if you’re going to replace him, you need to reinvent the look as well.  

I’m not saying Hollywood needs to abandon the whole look and start from scratch, but this feels entirely too safe.  It doesn’t look like Jackie Earle Haley is creating a new Freddy Krueger; it just looks like he’s dressing up for Halloween in an outfit he borrowed from Robert Englund.  I get that hoping for a little artistic originality from a remake, let alone a remake produced by Michael Bay, is a foolish hope; nevertheless, I was at least expecting something a little more imaginative and a little less like a shoddy bootleg of the original.  Something, in short, like this:

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When the Monster Demands a Mate, She’d Better Be Sexy!
June 18, 2009

No sooner than you could say “I bet you the Frankenstein monster just loves himself some foxy boxing,” my friend Sarah came across a bit of Hollywood casting gossip that seems to suggest that this whole Bride of Frankenstein remake might be more screwed than we think.  The producers are aiming to cast someone along the lines of Scarlett Johansson or Anne Hathaway, which is the sort of shit they always say, but still, yeesh.  I’m saying nothing against either’s talent or beauty, but be more creative, Hollywood!  This is what you’re trying to recreate:

You’re remaking an indisputable masterpiece and reenvisioning one of the most iconic characters in horror, and the best you  can think of is Anne Hathaway or Scarlett Johansson?  Ugh!  That’s the sort of braintrust brilliance we’ve got funding this movie?  Egads, it’s time to upgrade the Bad Idea Alert to DEFCON Dreadful!

The real kicker, though, is the source for this buzz, aka, the ever trustworthy New York Post, which reports:

BRIAN Grazer is remaking “The Bride of Frankenstein,” but this time, the female monster is going to be a babe. “She’ll be young. They’re looking for a person with great power and sex appeal,” a Hollywood insider told us. “Someone along the lines of Scarlett Johansson or Anne Hathaway.” In the 1935 original, the frizzy-haired bride was played by bug-eyed English actress Elsa Lanchester. The new Universal Pictures/Imagine Entertainment version, first disclosed by The Hollywood Reporter, will be helmed and co-scripted by Neil Burger, who wrote and directed “The Illusionist.”

Really?  REALLY???  The totally unwarranted jab at Elsa Lanchester’s appearance is trashy and gross, but the New York Post is trashy and gross, so that’s not shocking.  Par for the course, if anything.  But there’s still plenty to take issue with.

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How Can We Save the Bride of Frankenstein Remake from Being the Worst?
June 17, 2009

When the Bride of Frankenstein met the Frankenstein Monster, she was shocked and horrified.  Her iconic scream was the scream of “DO NOT WANT!!!”  This is actually quite sad because the time the Monster has spent with a blind man has taught him about kindness and companionship, and her rejection reaffirms his status as the monstrous Other.   Given Jame Whale’s own sexuality, it’s hard to not read Bride of Frankenstein as an empathetic allegory about the demonization of the homosexual.  And, if nothing else, the Bride’s one fabulously fierce diva.  Simple logic dictates that I love that movie to pieces.  

But if you put a movie on an altar of love and adoration, Hollywood’s going to feel morally obligated to remake it.  And by remake it, I mean shit all over a perfectly good thing.  Bride of Frankenstein‘s no exception to the Hollywood rule, so when I read the news on ComingSoon.net of an upcoming remake , I totally put on my Bride face like it was my Sunday best:

bride of frankenstein

The Risky Biz Blog claims that Neil Burger, the director The Illusionist and The Lucky Ones, will be writing and directing.  I haven’t seen either of these movies, but I’ve heard The Illusionist is really good, so I guess things could be far worse.  Ehren Kruger could be tapped, so that’s something.  But it’s not enough to stop me from being angry enough to shit diamonds.

I’ll inevitably get pissy about any remake that messes with a key film in the development of my movie taste, or any movie I just happen to really love, because virtually all of them end up being brainless, soulless exercises in corporate greed and Hollywood’s inability to put faith in (or even look for) original, intelligent material.  The rare remake that does work, like John Carpenter’s The Thing or David Cronenberg’s The Fly, requires a truly original take on the material and a talented director.  Without having seen any of his movies, I can only say this much about Neil Burger:

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The Boycott Against the Videodrome Remake Begins Today! Long Live the New Boycott!
April 27, 2009

In the past weeks, I’ve oh so gradually begun to rethink my initial and total disgust at the prospect of a Nightmare on Elm Street remake, in large part because of the rather inspired casting of Jackie Earle Haley as Freddy Krueger.  I still remain hesitant, of course, but I’m willing to lay off the knee-jerk backlash for a moment in favor of (incredibly) cautious optimism.

This reaction, however, will never ever EVER be the case with the just-announced Videodrome remake that’s to be written by Ehren Kruger, the man responsible for both some pretty damn good (Arlington Road, The Ring) and really damn dreadful (Reindeer Games, The Ring Two) movies.  I already feel thoroughly confident in saying that this remake will firmly fall into the latter camp.  I mean, just consider this tidbit that Variety reported on the remake:

The original “Videodrome” starred James Woods as the head of Civic TV Channel 83, who makes his station relevant by programming “Videodrome,” a series that depicts torture and murder that transfixes viewers.The new picture will modernize the concept, infuse it with the possibilities of nano-technology and blow it up into a large-scale sci-fi action thriller.

Neat.  Because despite it being one of the most fascinating and ambivalent takes on media and technology and sex and violence in modern culture, I totally forgot that—since it was released in 1983–Videodrome clearly has absolutely nothing to say about our current moment.  It really might as well be about people in Victorian England, or maybe the Stone Age.  Really, just look at this:

Yikes!  Looks like David Cronenberg got it all wrong the first time.  Videodrome obviously can only interesting as a “large scale sci-fi action thriller.”  Movies with any restraint and minimalism are sooo booooooring.  So are practical special effects.  The only way to make Videodrome interesting or relevant is through CGI and explosions. Universal is clearly right with this remake, and I’m just a dunderhead who writes total nonsense!

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Against All Odds, I Think I Might Tolerate a West Side Story Remake
March 18, 2009

There’s no denying that this little lady is pretty damn near flawless:

So, when you’re dealing with such perfection, of course somebody has to go screw it up.  It’s a Hollywood rule.  Thankfully, the closest West Side Story is to a remake green light is a Broadway revival and this Vanity Fair photo spread.  Looks like we’re safe.  For today.

Still, that Vanity Fair spread does raise the specter of a possibility, and–as much as it startles me to admit to it–I wouldn’t be completely opposed.  

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Get Hollywood a Bailout, People, ‘Cos It’s Bankrupt on Ideas!
March 5, 2009

When I was a young, Freddy Krueger scared the living bejeezus out of me so much so that I’d refuse to go into movie theaters until my parents could confirm that there were no posters for a new Nightmare on Elm Street movie in the lobby, and if there happened to be one, I’d have a fit.  That my parents would put up with such absurdity is an impressive testament to their patience and love because I can’t even imagine how insufferable I must’ve been.   Were I in their shoes, I suspect I would’ve screeched, “You won’t step in the theater?  Then we’re going back home, and you’ll just have to watch Land Before Time!  AGAIN!!!”  But I’m writing about movies, not parenting styles, so I digress.

Anyways, my fear eventually turned to love, and I now regard A Nightmare  on Elm Street as one of my all-time favorite horror movies.  This scene pretty much sums up why [oh, and it’s NSFM (Not Safe For Mom)]:

 Wes Craven, you are brilliant.  Totally insane, but brilliant.   Between the Freddy tongue coming out of the phone, the crazy drunk mom, and Johnny Depp being dragged into his bed and spit out as a geyser of blood, well, you don’t get much better than that.  But that doesn’t mean Hollywood’s not gonna give it a shot.

And totally fail at it in the process.

In fact, according to ComingSoon.net, Platinum Dunes just recently announced the new A Nightmare on Elm Street remake will drop on April 16, 2010.  I think their poster should be a simple homage to the original, something like this:

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This Picture is How I Feel This Morning
February 25, 2009

clue-aghast

Did you hear they’re remaking Clue?  According to ComingSoon.net, they are!  I’m so glad that Hollywood has their fingers on the pulse of what audiences really want.   Who has any interest in a brilliant comic-mystery-cult-classic when we can get “a global thriller and transmedia event that uses deductive reasoning as its storytelling engine” instead?  I’m not entirely certain what the hell a “transmedia event” even qualifies as, but it sure sounds great, right?  

Wrong.  Absolutely wrong.

Oh well, at least we’ll always have Madeline Khan…

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