She’s Got Bette Davis Eyes Dress
March 1, 2016

whoopi goldberg oscars 2016

I’d meant to mention yesterday that Whoopi Goldberg looking amaaazing at the Academy Awards, but by the time I got to writing my pitch for a sequel to Carol Oscar wrap-up, I was already food drunk off a store-bought stromboli and an entire box of sadness (Elio’s frozen pizza), so whoopsi*. But this just means Whoopi gets her own post, which is better for us all. And besides, at least I never confused Whoopi with Oprah Winfrey.

ANYWAYS, Whoopi Goldberg’s Oscar ensemble says she’s got an EGOT and a bankful of The View money. She’s looking fabulous and giving zero f*cks, and I love that she’s brought out her tattoo and a giant octopus bracelet to accent her classic black dress. But wait! Speaking of “classic”, it gets Bette!**

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A Few Scant Thoughts on the 88th Annual Academy Awards
February 29, 2016

joan crawford oscars 1946

Seeing as it’d feel odd to not follow up yesterday’s predictions with at least some sort of wrap-up, but also seeing as I’d much rather eat an entire stromboli and get caught up on The People v. OJ Simpson, here’s a few scant thoughts on the 88th annual Academy Awards. It’s just enough to say “I still care” without it ending in a caterwaul of famished sobs:

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And the Winner Should Be…Tracy Morgan, for The Danish Girl!
February 29, 2016

tracy morgan danish girl

At the very least, last night’s Oscars were better than I’d expected. We didn’t solve America’s race problems, but Chris Rock was given enough room to provide some humorous yet honest commentary on Hollywood’s “sorority” racism. Better still, there was a truly great bit about black actors in white movies, which included the indisputable highlight of the evening, Tracy Morgan in The Danish Girl:

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Kate McKinnon’s Carol Parody, and a Few Oscar Predictions
February 28, 2016

Kate McKinnon and Kumail Nanjiani’s Carol parody from the 2016 Spirit Awards has been all over my Facebook feed since this morning. It’s a nice reminder of the company that I keep online and, better still, a reason to use the “Lesbians” tag twice in one week, so here it is. As I feel like I’m on a roll, sapphically speaking, maybe I’ll treat myself to a clandestine glove lunch of creamed spinach and poached eggs to celebrate.

Also, as it’s mere hours before the Academy Awards, I thought I’d spitball a few predictions for the award winners and the show in general:

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Red Carpet Footage from the 25th Annual Academy Awards
February 27, 2016

Here’s some red carpet footage from the 25th Annual Academy Awards, better known as the year Joan Crawford and Better Davis were nominated for Best Actress in Sudden Fear and The Star, respectively. What a year! They both lost to Shirley Booth for Come Back, Little Sheba. I’d say they were both ROBBED, but I haven’t seen Come Back, Little Sheba, so I can’t be sure, but still: ROBBED (probably).

Anyways, I highly recommend watching this red carpet footage, because it makes more recent red carpet events look like Casual Fridays. It’s got diamonds, pearls, furs, a young Elizabeth Taylor, more diamonds, more pearls, more furs, a young Paul Newman, tons of f*cking sequins, tulle, yet even more diamonds and furs and pearls, and Joan Crawford. Et tu, Oscars 2016?

TGIF! Now Here’s 22 Leonardo DiCaprio Performances Reenacted by His Lesbian Doppelgänger
February 26, 2016

Well, it’s the Friday before the Academy Awards, and if there’s anything more guaranteed in life right now than death or taxes, it’s Leonardo DiCaprio’s Best Actor win for The Revenant, so here’s a video of 22 Leonardo DiCaprio performances as brought to you by Leo’s lesbian doppelgänger, “Lesbo DiCaprio.”

This “stunning montage” (this video’s description’s words, not mine) is brought to you by ACTING, a lesbian who’s more butch than me (that’s not hard) but not so butch as to where I have a crush on her (that’s Ryan Atwood from The O.C.), and MORE ACTING. It’s the best costume (22 of them, in fact) to celebrate Leonardo DiCaprio’s Oscar thirst and the perfect way to segue into the weekend (with ACTING).

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to work on my Fiona Apple at the Oscars impression.

[via AfterEllen; much love to Haley for this]

And Now, My Favorite Academy Awards Moment of All Time, Ever
February 25, 2016

With the Oscars coming up this Sunday, I felt it apropos to share my favorite Oscar moment of all time, ever, and no, it’s not Alan Ball winning Best Original Screenplay for American Beauty. It’s Fiona Apple reacting to Paul Thomas Anderson losing to Alan Ball, which is sublime.

In a roomful of enthusiastic supporters and polite poker faces, hers is a look of unmistakable disappointment that says,”The world is bullsh*t, and Magnolia was robbed.” What I’m trying to say is it’s the real American beauty of the night, and also, forever.

And because I think about this moment all the time and had to make a GIF to preserve it into all eternity, let’s look at that again (and again, and again):

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Wrestling Is a Low Sport
March 22, 2015

Everything about this scene from Foxcatcher is perfect, except for the topic of conversation, which is wrestling. It’s a low sport, as you know.

I Call Shenanigans: On Madonna’s Best Actress Oscar Snub for Evita
March 1, 2015

evita madonna rainbow tour

I wouldn’t go so far as to say Madonna was robbed of an Oscar for her performance in Evita. After all, 1997 was the year that Frances McDormand (consummate actor, national treasure) won for Fargo, so the best performance really did win. But after staying up too late rewatching Evita on Netflix last night, I realized it’s some kind of hot nonsense that Madonna didn’t even get a nomination. Madonna is pretty much flawless in Evita. Here, let me count the ways:

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Wake Me When It’s Over: An Irresponsible Oscar Postscript
February 23, 2015

joan crawford oscars 1946

I’m not sure there’s anything to be said about last night’s Oscars that can’t be said by this picture of Joan Crawford asleep with her Oscar, which is to say: Zzzz.

It wasn’t that the Oscars were terrible. Patricia Arquette won, and she spoke about how to make the world a more just place. Julianne Moore won, and the world became a more just place. Neil Patrick Harris dutifully tried to keep some awfully regrettable material afloat. At least it wasn’t James Franco, part don’t. Lady Gaga’s Sound of Music melody was really great, even if it wasn’t performed in a bratwurst dirndl. And then there was John Travolta, who was killing it last nightpossibly literally. Seriously, if John Travolta asks you to help him move some furniture into a van, just tell him you’ve got a hunky masseuse appointment to attend and run, girl, run! He’ll totally understand.

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Here’s a GIF of Idina Menzel and John Travolta at the 2015 Oscars
February 23, 2015

idina menzel john travolta 2015 oscars

While the rest of last night’s Oscars might be described as safe, here is a GIF of the one moment that felt anything but: Idina Menzel and John Travolta, together onstage to revisit 2014’s “Adele Dazeem” gaffe. Idina, you in danger, girl!

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Whatever You Do Tonight, Oscars, Let’s Not Leave Out Ms. Minnelli
February 22, 2015

Liza-Minelli-OSCARS-2014

NEVER FORGET.

[Image via Fashion Addicted Foodies]

Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Terribly Timely and Totally Irresponsible Recaps: OSCARS!
March 9, 2010

You know, it’s times like this that I wonder if I should’ve devoted Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner to something like cat farts as opposed to pop culture because it’s hard to over think three hours of cat farts; real talk: blogs about cat farts write themselves.  Blogs that try to recap  rather paint-by-numbers Oscar ceremonies?  Not so much.

Don’t get me wrong.  It’s not like last night’s Academy Awards ceremony was an interminable bore.  After all, the woman whom shall henceforth forever be known on the interwebz as “Lady Kanye” has us all talking about the Best Documentary Short win, which is a real coup for a category of movies I know to exist only because they continue to get awards every year; otherwise, I remain vaguely convinced documentary shorts are like the Sasquatch of cinema, but I digress.

My point is that the Oscars were totally fine in the way that a largely predictable three-and-a-half hour Hollywood circle jerk is totally fine, but Oscar party margaritas have a tendency to make most anything better, so if it was worse than just watching a bunch of people win  the same awards we’ve been seeing them win all awards season, I honestly wasn’t paying attention.  Anywho, this ping-pong-ball-sized kidney stone of a blog post ain’t gonna pass itself, so let’s take one last look back and throw out some patently irresponsible kudos and sassy finger snaps to a few of the more mentionable moments:

First off, kudos are certainly in order for Mo’nique.  I’ve heard her performance is excellent, and I might even one day be able to personally attest to that, but even those few moments they showed during the Oscars were enough to thoroughly disturb me, and I really don’t need any more fodder for my nightmares.  Particularly when the Oscars were already getting ad revenue from the ultimate nightmare fuel:

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My Karaoke Will Go On
January 22, 2010

Thanks to YouTube, we can all rest a little easier at night with the knowledge that important moments from our lives will remain digitally preserved for all eternity (or at least ’til they’re taken down by the suits), which is obviously a good thing.  After all, it means we can all relive that one time Celine Dion got really intense while singing the Titanic theme song at the Oscars:

Or that other time that I tried to channel Celine Dion getting really intense while singing the Titanic theme song at the Oscars, but could only manage to channel a howler monkey:

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The Oscars Just Had a Doublemint Moment!
June 24, 2009

WRIGLEY'S DOUBLEMINT TWINS NOMINATED AS AMERICA'S FAVORITE ICONS

Did you hear the news?  The L.A. Times reported that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences are doubling number of best picture nominations to ten!  That’s twice as many opportunities to deeply hate a movie for stealing a nomination from a far more deserving film.  Sweet!  We can now double our (dis)pleasure, y’all!  

Academy President Sid Ganis provided the following rationalization for the change:

“Having 10 best picture nominees is going [to] allow academy voters to recognize and include some of the fantastic movies that often show up in the other Oscar categories, but have been squeezed out of the race for the top prize…I can’t wait to see what that list of ten looks like when the nominees are announced in February.” 

Well I’m so glad that at least one person’s quivering in antici…pation.  I’ll get around to it once I’ve made room for this profoundly stupid idea on my already overly crowded Do Not Want List.

What’s most frustrating about this announcement (and believe me, I could write a essay the length of Ulysses on everything that’s wrong about it) is that the Academy Awards will still remain the same tired bullshit that they’ve been for years.  You’re not going to shorten the three-plus hours of masturbatory self-congratulation and inconsequential montage sequences by adding five more damn best-picture nominee montages.  We still won’t know more than two of the foreign films nominated, and the short subject nominees will still be the crapshoot in your Oscar pool.  And that’s just the show itself!

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If This Movie Gets Made, I’ll Combust into Rainbows and Glitter
March 23, 2009

I usually attempt to avoid Hollywood gossip as it tends to be tons of speculation and rumor mongering and only so frequently comes to fruition, but when I read this on Celebitchy, I had a moment.  A really shrill, shrieky moment of unabashed homo glee.  Ears bled. Dogs barked.  It was no good, so I worry for the world about what would happen if this news turned out to be more than just someone passing off their own two-cents on casting a Judy Garland biopic.  But, according to the Daily Mail:

Hollywood starlet Anne Hathaway is in talks to play her movie idol Judy Garland in an upcoming film based on Gerald Clarke’s biography, Get Happy: The Life of Judy Garland.

The 26-year-old actress is so desperate to appear in the movie – which charts Judy’s rise to fame and her struggle with drink and drugs – that she may have to sacrifice other projects, which include a lead role in a comedy called The Fiance.

THIS ABSOLUTELY MUST HAPPEN.  MAKE IT HAPPEN, HOLLYWOOD!  See!  I lose all control when I begin to this about the possibility of this rumor coming to fruition.

I mean, you need only watch this clip to recognize the incredibly obvious fact that Judy Garland is one fierce lady.  Seriously, watch this fierceness:

Fierce.  Fact number 765 about the homosexual community: we loooove hysterics, and those are some perfectly executed hysterics.  Now you know why the gays love her.

Also, anybody that’s watched Rachel Getting Married knows that Anne Hathaway has some serious acting chops.  Oh, and she can sing damn well:

Between the champagne-effervescence of her charm and the fact that she did self-destructive so well in Rachel Getting Married, casting her as Judy Garland is the duh of the century.  Hell, make it more than a movie.  Make it a ten-hour miniseries.  I will watch it all.  There’s no way it’d be anything less than fabulous.

Now watch this rumor turns out to be completely false and instead they cast Malin Akerman, because that’s just my (bad) luck.  Though if they use that as an opportunity to cast Carla Gugino as drunky Garland, then I just might get on board…

A.R. Rahman is One Step Closer to Becoming the Cuba Gooding Jr. of Best Song Oscar Winners
February 24, 2009

I may be profoundly unimpressed with the ridiculous Slumdog Millionaire sweep (Best Editing?  Really?), but I’m not such a crotchety bitch that I can’t recognize credit where credit is due, and I can fully admit that the end of Slumdog is innocuous and sweet:

There’s also something kinda creepy in a cultural-fetishization/imperialization sort of way, what with a movie about growing up in the slums of Mumbai being written and directed by two white men from the UK, but whatever.  I’d be inclined to complain about how, if the Academy really felt so inclined to give Slumdog a Best Song win, they could’ve at least picked the better song, but “Jai Ho” is perfectly fine, the Oscars are over, and we can all move on with our lives, right?

WRONG.  

Look at what I found on iTunes today:

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Oscar Clip Roundup: Does The UK Success of Mamma Mia! REALLY Indicate the Return of the Musical?
February 23, 2009

Last night’s Oscars had some truly wonderful moments.  And then there was that whole damn Slumdog Millionaire sweep.  Blech.

But there were some wonderful moments!  Like how cute was it when Kate Winslet’s dad whistled to her?  

Answer: the cutest!  Added to that, her speech felt wonderfully unrehearsed and genuine.

Or when Penelope Cruz won supporting actress for her feisty turn in Vicky Cristina Barcelona?  How great was that?

Awwww, she thanked Almodovar!  That’s more adorable than a dozen terrier puppies in my book!

And really, how gay–in all the best, most politically-forward-thinking ways possible–was this year’s Oscars?  Consider exhibit A:

Oh, and of course, exhibit B:

So gay.  I found both Dustin Lance Black’s and Sean Penn’s wins (along with their speeches) to be two of the moist poignant and affirming moments of the evening, blissful reminders that art and politics need not remain separate spheres of discourse; each can enrich the other, and together they capture something truly transcendental.  

Also, their speeches made me cry, but really, what doesn’t?  Making me cry is less of a litmus test for greatness so much as a litmus test for ensuring I still have a pulse.   

Anyways!

There was one moment that truly stuck out for me in this year’s ceremony, and that was this one.  Be sure to watch it all, because it will make you re-evaluate your current understanding of the world:

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