This Week In: Accomplishments
February 20, 2016

notes on a scandal gold star

You might not know this about me, but Judi Dench in Notes on a Scandal and I are basically the same person. For one thing, we are both aging spinsters with huge lesbian crushes on Cate Blanchett. More notably, though, we both like giving gold stars to life’s accomplishments, and those accomplishments could be anything.

For example, this could’ve been the week you got $500 off a lap dance and bought yourself that dress you’ve always wanted from Versayce, which is in The Forum. Maybe you remembered to floss each night, or moisturize, or perhaps it had to be enough to just show up to work each day and not “accidentally” run your hand through Cate Blanchett’s hair again.

My point is that I don’t know your life, and you don’t know mine, but I do know that this week my accomplishments include being discovered through this sophisticated gem of a search engine term:

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Today’s (Much Belated) Fabulous Image in Cinema: Cate Blanchett in Notes on a Scandal
July 21, 2010

When things get quiet over at this particular corner of the internet, the reality is there’s only person we have to blame, and that person is me.  The only problem with this is that I’m a blame shifter, so when things get quiet over at this particular corner of the internet (at least this time around), it’s Christopher Nolan’s fault.  Seriously, he’s the man behind Inception, and I’m merely the owner of the mind that movie melted, which mean he’s the one who committed the mind crime!  (Get it?!?)  Besides, Joseph Gordon Levitt looking positively dapper (or do I mean Draper?) in a suit and vest will muddle your brain for days like that.  Oh, and the Mad Men Fever obviously isn’t helping my crazy, either.  Anyways, we’re not here to talk about Inception (YET); we’re here to talk about Today’s (much belated) Fabulous Image in Cinema, and Today’s (much belated) Fabulous Image in Cinema is from Notes on a Scandal, so let’s talk about it.

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Things That Should Not Exist: This Taylor Lautner New Moon Action Figure
July 28, 2009

Logic dictates that, for a product to exist, there must be a demand.  It’s for this reason that products like the Wearable Towel or the Comfort Wipe; they may be incredibly stupid and theoretically useless, but you know that someone somewhere actually saw these products as the solution to a problem.  Necessity is, after all, the mother of invention.

That said, I’m quite aware this Taylor Lautner New Moon action figure clearly has a theoretical demand.  It comes from people called Twihards, and they will consume anything and everything related to Stephenie Meyer’s ridicu-succesful Twilight franchise.  I may not be part of that fan base, and I imagine my only enjoyment (if any, really) of the franchise would be ironic, but I’m not going to trash the fans of Twilight because we’re all allowed our own opinions and taste.  No matter how ridiculous they are.  

In spite of all of this, Twihards, you really need to calm it because we now have a thing that should not exist:

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There’s a Million Reasons Why Glee is Your New Favorite Show. Here are Just a Few
May 1, 2009

First and foremost, there’s the extended trailer.  Without a question, this show is going to be brilliant:

LOLOLOL!  This is the best, right?  RIGHT.

Still, if you find yourself needing talking points to explain to your friends why you’ll be busy on May 19th, as well as why they should also be canceling plans and staying in for the Glee preview special, then allow me to give you a few suggestions:

  • Glee is a genuinely clever spin on the archetypal high-school-set underdog narrative.  This is essentially like Bring It On (a movie that nobody, or at least nobody I’d ever care to know, doesn’t love) stretched into a serial television show and made infinitely more camp by being set in the musical-number-laden world of glee clubs.  You certainly don’t have to be a ‘mo to love this show, but it probably helps to have one in the family.  Or, at the least, your place of work.
  • Jane Lynch is in it.  This woman is an undeniable force of pure hilarity, and if she’s reason enough to see Post Grad, she certainly is reason enough to watch Glee.
  • Any mention of gold stars immediately triggers thoughts of Notes on a Scandal, which is a completely unrelated movie that is totally incredible and you really should see if you haven’t already.  Hell, just watching the trailer makes me certain that May 19th is going to be a gold star day.
  • Matthew Morrison, the guy who plays the teacher in charge of the glee club, is the Altoid of good looks.  He’s curiously handsome.
  • Ryan Murphy’s the creator.  He gave us the short-lived-but-totally-amazing show Popular and Nip/Tuck, a show that’s now completely derailed into batshit insanity but was genuinely great for the first two seasons.  Any television series that casts Famke “Fierce Bitch” Janssen as a tranny can’t be bad.
  • One word: Journey.

So there you have it.  Now neither you nor any of your friends have any excuses to not to watch Glee.  Seriously, y’all, it’s going to be the greatest.  Show.  EVER!

Much love to Parker for the tip!

With Friends Like Last Night’s Gossip Girl, Who Wants a Return From Hiatus?
March 17, 2009

Did you see the highly anticipated (for me) return of the trashtastic Gossip Girl?  If you did, well, I’m sorry.  So, so sorry.  Let’s go back to happier times, when Blair and Chuck were literally destroying the episode’s film stock with their fiery passion, and the print campaigns for the show had parents decrying both show and campaign alike as obscenity.  Oh wait, I can’t, ‘cos seriously:

ofmgabysmal

I recognize that I’m frequently given to hyperbole; I suspect that a predilection towards hyperbole is part of my homo-DNA, but I’m not a geneticist.  I am a Gossip Girl fan (also most likely related to the gay gene), though, and I can most certainly say that last night’s episode of Gossip Girl was wretched.  Perhaps some of the worst television I’ve ever seen.  Seriously, this is the episode written by that pretentious asshole that sat behind you in high school English, spicing up their conversation with name-dropping and pseudo-intellectual ruminations about “art” that nobody asked for.  

And I most definitely did not ask for this, Gossip Girl.

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