The Official Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner Response to Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance”
November 11, 2009

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You’re a Nobody Until Your Private Parts Are More Talented Than Lady Gaga
August 14, 2009

Depending on your opinion, this kid is either everything that’s right or everything that’s wrong with the democratizing powers of the internet.  I personally think vlogging is the most embarrassing social act of the 21st century, but I also think this kid clearly has a future in law.  His arguments are flawless (and incredibly NSFW), so I’m going with “everything that’s right”:

Is it just me, or is his logic like some cross between a Möbius strip and a black hole?  It’s always a pleasure to see someone get so riled up by something as ultimately inconsequential as Top 40 radio, and even I needed some time before falling for the bashit fabulous camping of Lady Gaga, but his outrage is particularly delicious.  It’s all LOLsteam ahead from the moment he gets riled up about being called gay by the commenters on YouTube, and by the time he calls 102.7 Kiss FM gay–well–my brain has collapsed under the weight of his indignance.  I could try and craft some sort of counterargument, but I don’t think I can keep up with him or his incredibly talented penis.  $20 says it can write better lyrics than Lady Gaga, so I’m pretty certain I can’t compete with that.

So what’re we waiting for?  Someone get this kid an application to Columbia Law (or a radio station), ASAP!

NEWS: Leighton Meester’s Got a New Song; YouTube Commenters Still the Classiest
July 6, 2009

We all know that you aren’t really someone until you’ve dabbled in having your own music career.  It’s a universal truth.  After all, Heidi “My Personal Source of Eternal Schadenfreude” Montag is a somebody, and she’s obviously known for “Sex Ed,” which–in anticipation of the impending end of the world in 2012— has impressively already won the Summer Jam  of the Millenium award.  Really, you can never be too quick when recognizing talent.

Anyways, we can now officially say that Leighton Meester, Gossip Girl‘s very own Blair Waldorf, is now a someone as well.  Her song is called “Body Control,” and I’ve been listening to it ad nauseam all morning because I love Blair Waldorf.  And I can’t figure out why I like it.  And I have no self-respect:

WORK IT, GIRL!  After a bajillion listens, I think I finally understand why I’m behind this song.

I like to imagine that this isn’t Leighton Meester herself, but a leaked song intended for the Gossip Girl season 3 plot line where Blair, à la Lady Gaga, drops out of NYU to pursue a career as a pop-musician/performance artist.  All that Auto-Tune you hear would be a deliberate part of her act, a post-humanization of the voice (i.e., self) meant to explore new conceptualizations of identity brought about by the proliferation of information in the age of text-messaging, the internet, and the brave new world that is Gossip Girl.  

Her back up dancers would look sorta like the robot from Metropolis, and they’d do Nomi-Malone-esque dances while dressed in fabulous trench coats with perfectly accessorized head bands.  I mean, I probably don’t have to tell you how amazing that would be because you already know how amazing that that would be, but it would be TOTALLY AMAZING!  Just think about it: Blair-Bots?  You know you love it, xoxo.

While my reaction may look like an OD on crazy pills, we fortunately also have YouTube commenters, those torchbearers of intelligent cultural discourse and general classiness.   They have taken to message boards to add their own two-cents and remind us what the rest of the world is thinking:

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Not Even a Dancing Nosferatu Takes the Gay Out of Lady Gaga
May 23, 2009

It’s no secret that I’m rather taken by Lady Gaga’s whole schtick, which is essentially an avant-garde performance in which a woman parodies the way drag queens behave.  Or, in other words, she parades about as if she were a batshit-crazy-tranny-cyborg sent back in time by the Resistance to make John Connor TOTALLY FABULOUS.  Seriously:

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She’ll be back.  To help you blend you do touch ups on your body glitter and properly color-blend your lip gloss.  I digress, though.

Most impressively about Lady Gaga is that her homo force is completely unstoppable.  No amount of effort can extricate her gayness; she’s like a nuclear power plant of hyper-camp queerdom.  And trust me when I say that even a man dressing up in a Nosferatu costume cannot contain her rainbow-tinted energy:

To be certain, that video is a total nightmare, but it’s also a really gay nightmare.  Girl admittedly needs to work on her jazz hands and get a bit of sun (or at least a little Sevin Nyne), but you can’t really blame her for trying.  The moves are the sort of quasi-vogueing one would expect from someone who’s been undead for hundreds of years: you can’t expect an old queen to be au currant with her dance moves, and at a certain point your joints are bound to start going!  Give the bitch a snaggletooth for trying, y’all!

So, crazy (and probably possibly gay) vampire, you remind us yet again of the unstoppable force of homo-magnificence that is Lady Gaga, and for that we salute you!

Cheers to Videogum for the discovery.

Sara Carlson is the Nomi Malone of 80s Italian Variety Shows
May 15, 2009

Just watch this poetry in motion:

I recognize that, in the era of YouTube clips, what probably made sense in a particular time to a particular group of people is reintroduced to the world in a contextual vacuum.  Without meaning, these videos become a veritable playground for camp, a place where the indecipherable message is the first language of ironic detachment and surface aesthetics the currency of visual pleasure.  As such, perhaps I’m inherently biased towards this Fellini-meets-Lady-Gaga pinnacle of unadulterated, uninhibited batshit insanity.  Whatever.  

None of that changes the fact that Sara Carlson is not merely fierce; she’s full on ferocious.  Also, we can all agree that the only thing that could make this video better is if she looked like a tranny streetwalker who styled herself a member of Jem and the Holograms.  Fortunately for us, such a video exists:

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You Cannot Take the Gay Out of Lady Gaga
April 9, 2009

At best, you can make her sound like she’s going to be the song they play on the ending montage of a Gossip Girl episode:

The music says, “I’m sensitive and hurting; xoxo, you know you love me, now please give me a hug.”  I can just see Dan/Chuck/Blair/Nate/whoever walking contemplatively in the dark streets of New York while this song plays.  Serena will claim she’s killed someone yet again because she just had to shine, Kristen Bell will have a pithy and pun-laden monologue, and we’ll cut to Jenny making the saddest of raccoon eyes at her sewing machine.  Seriously, this song is just like listening to All American Rejects.  If All American Rejects were fronted by a woman who behaves drag queen.  

And what of “Just Dance”?  Oh, you’ve no idea.  If you you mix Lady Gaga and heavy metal, you’ve got a recipe for head explosions:

Is that not the best?  I really think it’s the best.  The font suggests Slipknot, but those hand claps positively scream 1980s Madonna.  Perhaps I’m wrong, but the hand claps take “Just Dance” to an entirely new stratosphere of homosexuality.    You’ve outdone Lady Gaga, sir.  Well played.

I can’t even imagine what’ll happen when “LoveGame” gets reworked in this fashion.  Lady Gaga’s Homo-Force is so strong that the internet just might break from that insanity.  The word “discostick” is not meant to encounter with death metal guitars, but–like the hadron collider–it must be done.

Lady Gaga: 1, My Resistance to Lady Gaga: 0
April 1, 2009

For quite some time, I’ve been trying to not give Lady Gaga even the slightest shred of respect.  Her interview in Entertainment Weekly had me convinced that she was a batshit insane hack as she talked about the feminism of riding a “discostick,” her “art,” and her self-made comparisons to Andy Warhol.  Yes, Lady Gaga, an allergy to pants and a penchant for ridicu-sunglasses truly qualifies as inspired feminist pop art.  I really must brush up on on my art history; I’ve clearly forgotten so much!

Much to my surprise and horror, though, Lady Gaga has proved my bitchiness wrong.  Maybe it’s that her  New York Magazine profile paints her as a self-aware, “post-camp persona,” and we all know how much I love all things camp.  Second to U2, I love it the most.  Reading that she takes fashion inspiration from transvestives is the sort of thing that makes me fall in love with a woman; and by fall in love, I mean want to be her best friend.  I’m no tranny myself (the beard makes it kinda difficult), but any performer that wants to queer-up pop culture is a-okay in my book.  

Mostly, though, I have to give it up for Ms. Gaga because of her video for “LoveGame.”  Don’t even start to think this mess is safe for work, suitable for viewing if you’re my mother, or remotely heterosexual in its stylings.  Once you’ve accepted those three simple things, though, you’re thoroughly prepared for this dazzling atom bomb of glittery homosexuality:

I don’t even know if there are words that can express the intense heights of homosexuality that this video reaches.  It’s as though Lady Gaga has climbed the Mt. Everest of gaydom and then built a gay high rise where she now resides in its gay penthouse.  She’s completely kicked the ass of the collective gay community by out-gaying each and every one of us.  I look like a frat boy at a strip club talking about sports while getting a lap dance from a girl with blond hair and big boobs in comparison; Chris Crocker looks positively bicurious.  “LoveGame” is like her announcing that she has the technology; she want us to be better, stronger, faster.  And much, MUCH gayer.  She wants to build the bionic fag.

The one thing that confuses me is why Lady Gaga is getting her “sexy” on for her posse of obviously gay men either in large groups or with pairs on a bench.  One of these guys is wearing a mesh tank top, for Pete’s sake!  I don’t think I’m going out on a limb when I say I’m quite sure that she won’t be taking a ride on any of their discosticks.  Otherwise this video makes perfect (non)sense.  

Of all the crazy trains, I think we can agree:  Lady Gaga’s has the most comfy seats and the best meals in the dining car.  Seriously, girl, you’ve gotta try the steak; it’s divine.

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