Since The Sorcerer’s Apprentice Comes Out Today, Here’s the Great Work of Art to Feature Nicolas Cage in 2010
July 14, 2010

So The Sorcerer’s Apprentice is coming out today, and while I wouldn’t say it looks bad, it also doesn’t particularly good, and it definitely doesn’t look like Knowing:

See what I mean?  Kind of meh, but maybe that’s just me, and I digress.

The reviews have been coming in over the past few days, and they aren’t too favorable.  Right now, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice is sitting at a rather unfortunate 35% over at Rotten Tomatoes, and the consensus with RT’s list of Top Critics is like taking a Chinatown bus from Badtown to Worseville:

Obviously this isn’t the impressively bleak 15% Knowing received last spring, which is sad because I probably won’t enjoy The Sorcerer’s Apprentice nearly as much Knowing, but equally obvious is the fact that I will inevitably see this at some point anyways.  After all, that’s why the intewebs gave us Cageflix.

ANYWAYS, good or bad or deliciously awful, the one thing for certain about The Sorcerer’s Apprentice is that it is by no means THE work of art to feature Nicolas Cage in 2010.  No no, that accolade belongs to Brandon Bird’s Uncanny Valley, which you probably have never heard of, and that’s precisely why you need to change your ig’nant ways:

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How Much Longer Can I Still Refuse to Believe That the Poltergeist Remake Is Happening?
August 13, 2009

Yesterday, Laura reminded me that MGM is planning to remake Tobe Hooper’s (or, if you believe the rumors, Steven Speilberg’s) 1982 masterpiece, Poltergeist.  We all know how I feel about that:

poltergeist remake bad idea

 The Poltergeist remake is the sort of thing that I’ve been desperately trying to forget for the past several years, and I had remained quite hopeful that it would remain nothing more than baseless chatter and drafts of scripts that would ultimately languish in development for all eternity.  This isn’t optimism so much as flat out denial, but I get a feeling I can’t play ostrich much longer, y’all.

As there’s no word yet from Variety, I haven’t yet been forced to slam my head against my desk in disbelief that it’s any closer to actually existing.   ShockTillYouDrop.com claims that the Poltergeist remakes set to come out on Thanksgiving of 2010, and that’s more than enough for me to start bracing for impending cinematic doom.  To borrow one of Shmathan’s favorite interweb meme phrases: It’s going to be a catastrophe!

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For the Lovers of Bad Movies, One Thing is Clear: We’re All Going to See Knowing This Weekend
March 21, 2009

As of late this evening, the critical consensus on Knowing sits at a rather bleak 24% according to Rotten Tomatoes.  That essentially means 24 of every 100 film critics actually liked the movie, or–in monetary terms–Knowing can’t even rank as a quarter.  Then, when you check their top critics section, you get this:

knowingrt1

The standard Rotten Tomatoes score includes plenty of online critics; it’s more democratic in one sense in that it allows any person with a domain name and a knack for film criticism can have their opinion considered in the Rotten Tomatoes score.  With enough work and effort, I could have my opinions be a part of this equation.  Given my personal tastes and predilections with film, that’s rather horrifying.  I don’t even want me suggesting what middle-America should see; they’d probably come after me with pitchforks and torches and burning effigies as they demanded my blood.  So, yeah, I take that score with a grain of salt.

But the top critics score, the score delivered by the men and women that make their careers to watch and critique movies, means professional film critics REALLY hate this movie.  These are the people that see the artistic heights and depths of the medium so that they can guide audiences towards the best that’s screening in theaters, and they think Knowing is a hot mess of crashing planes and trains.  I could piddle my pants at how excited this makes me.

Oops, too late.

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Knowing Looks to Accelerate Nicolas Cage’s Career Swan Dive Into Awful
March 5, 2009

Over the past week, posters for the new Nicolas Cage film, Knowing, have been cropping up all over the subway likes it’s the advertisement equivalent of kudzu.  Are you confused about what Knowing is?  Don’t worry, I’ll show you:

I can’t explain it, but I really like it when Nicolas Cage claps in the classroom because it’s just such a classic Nicolas Cage “I’m ACTING!” sort of tic.  I’m not saying he’s a bad actor.  He’s totally great in Adaptation and the 20-odd minutes of Matchstick Men that I’ve seen, so there’s no doubt the man has talent.  Taste, however, might be another question.

Ever since The Wicker Man, he’s made increasingly poor career choices.  Can someone honestly defend movies (or the hairstylists hired for said movies) like Ghost Rider or Next or Bangkok Dangerous?  Not to get too Meryl Streep up in here, but I have my doubts, y’all.  The trailer for Knowing only appears to further confirm that Mr. Cage has taken a bungee jump off Career-Suicide Bridge without properly attaching the cord.  Ruh-roh.

I also want to know who greenlit this nonsense?  It’s like Next, Joel Schumacher’s abominable The Number 23, an episode of Lost focused on the Others, and Cage’s Wicker Man acting sensibilities all hopped into a telepod to make a Brundle-movie, and poor Alex Proyas is the one at the controls!  He once did the brilliant Dark City, and now he’s directing this schizophrenic mess?  YIKES!

But would I be lying if I said I wasn’t going to see it, possibly opening weekend at that?  Of course I would!

I’ve had a weakness for disaster movies ever since I rode the Earthquake ride at Universal Studios.  Epic destruction always yields a promise of over-the-top cinematic spectacle (usually ever greater as character development declines).  Besides, I’ve a weakness for movies that have “train wreck” stamped all over them, and Knowing has that stamp in big-bold letters.  When you add in the shredded cheese of a Nicolas Cage performance to it, you’ve  got a great recipe.

For unintentional laughs.

And, of course, then there’s this little online tidbit.  Someone at Summit Entertainment decided that a literal train wreck is the best way to whet you appetite:

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