Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: On the Importance of Being Earnest. (Or at the Very Least, Oscar Wilde.)
April 29, 2011

At the onset of “Notes on ‘Camp’,” Susan Sontag pulls a quote from Oscar Wilde’s Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young:

One should either be a work of art, or wear a work of art.

In both cases, this probably explains why I have long adored JWOWW’s mixed-media abstract expressionist piece, Two Cantaloupes in a Banana Hammock:

Anyways, I’m clearly not the only one who sees Oscar Wilde’s camp musings have come to life on Jersey Shore. The Roundabout Theater Company recently produced a series of shorts where the stars of its new production of The Importance of Being Earnest (Santino Fontana and David Furr) quote the cast of Jersey Shore in the only way that could improve perfection: as if Snooki et al. were themselves Oscar Wilde characters. It’s better than inventing the freakin’ poof, so without further ado, “Jersey Shore Gone Wilde”:

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Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: We’re Fist Pumpin’ in Miami, Bitch! (Or, on the Rest of the Season Premiere)
July 30, 2010

Oh lordy, y’all.  So Jersey Shore‘s second season premiered last night, and much like the above image from Videogum of Snooki and Sammi Sweetheart listening intently to their conchs, it was a strange thing of booze-fueled, sh*t-talking, train-wreck-of-zen beauty, and how could it be anything but?  Let’s discuss a few of my favorite moments, shall we?

Angelina’s returned prompted The Situation to deliver serious FACE:

Truer feelings of utter disbelief, total confusion, and SENSE OF IMPENDING RIDICUDRAMA have never been FACE’d.  Well played, The Situation.  Very well played, indeed.

And let’s not forget when Snooki gave a brief dissertation on revisionist history:

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Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: On Fried Pickles
July 30, 2010

In last night’s second season premiere of Jersey Shore, JWOWW and Snooki took a road trip down to Miami.  Along the way, they stopped at a restaurant in Savannah, Georgia.  I liked this because I myself am a Southerner who himself hails from Georgia; however, I loved this because one of the items on the menu caused Snooki to put on her NOM NOM NOM face:

But what could it be?  Why the Southern delicacy knows as fried pickles, of course.  Ever the consummate pickle aficionado, Snooki had the following to say about this symphony of kosher-dill tastes and deep-fried textures:

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Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: On How Absence Truly Does Make the Heart Grow Fonder
April 23, 2010

I didn’t wake up this morning expecting to miss any of the cast members of Jersey Shore the way Snooki misses pickles during a cucumber blight, but then I saw this picture of Snooki and JWOWW film the second season of Jersey Shore down in Miami, and that’s when I was reminded of the guidette-shaped hole in my heart:

I mean, you’ve got Snooki drinking a giant frozen margarita with not one but TWO upturned Coronas in it, which is enough booze to give me a bitch of a hangover just looking at it.  Seriously, I feel like one of those could put me damn close to being under the table, two could fell a baby rhinoceros, and three will have Snooki doing backflips all over South Beach.  Added to that, you’ve got JWOWW doing something that requires looking down at her plate while a cigarette dangles deftly from her lip.  Maybe this picture’s just giving me an acid flashback from all the classiness and Aquanet that goes into a single episode of Jersey Shore, but hot damn do I miss watching these two broads in action.  Personally speaking, MTV should just drop the rest of the cast and focus entirely on Jersey Shore‘s two best besties.  Nelly Furtado’s “Maneater” could be their theme song, and it’d be all about Snooki and JWOWW’s friendship and fierceness.  JWOWW could bring her killer tops and her epic fists of fury, and Snooki can bring the FACE:

I’m not quite sure what’s happening up there except that I love it, but I think this next one’s pretty obvious:

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Today in Secret Shames: Avril Lavigne’s “Alice” on the Alice in Wonderland Soundtrack
February 19, 2010

I’m sure there are all sorts of initial reactions to the news that Disney’s planning to release a companion album inspired by money Tim Burton’s Alice and Wonderland featuring songs by the likes of Robert Smith, The All-American Rejects, and Avril Lavigne.  Perhaps “Wicked awesome!” is one of them, but I instead fell into this camp:

Really, at first I was terribly confused.  But then I got to thinking about it some more, and I realized that this album is synergizing marketing genius.  Possibly the most synergizing marketing genius.  EVER.

If there’s ever been an album tailor-made to the market of Hot-Topic-shopping youth culture that isn’t a soundtrack to one of the Twilight movies, this is without question it.  The only thing that kids these days love more than feeling feeling misunderstood while working on their homemade Edward Scissorhands costumes is listening to Tokio Hotel (also on Almost Alice, duh) while feeling misunderstood and working on their homemade Edward Scissorhands costumes.  Oh, and let’s not forget pretending being in a love triangle with a werewolf and a vampire.  YUMMO.

Anyways, given how I’m an adult who doesn’t paint his nails black and keep all his shit in an Edward Cullen trapper keeper or a Nightmare Before Christmas backpack, I’m probably not the target demographic for this video for Avril Lavigne’s “Alice.”  Still, I am both ridiculously stoked for Alice and Wonderland and also man enough to admit that I still have at one time had “Sk8er Boi” on my iPod, so obviously we need to discuss said music video:

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Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: On Pickles
December 11, 2009

Like I’ve previously observed, Jersey Shore is best enjoyed when don’t think about it.  For example, Angelina left the house after her married boyfriend dumped her and she couldn’t be bothered to come into work because she kept coughing really loudly in hopes that someone would notice her (which is the first symptom that you’re too sick to work), Ronnie and Sammi bumped uglies and played putt putt, and JWOWW’s boyfriend dumped her over kissing Pauly D, but I’m leaving this Jersey Shore conversation at that because I’m already on the verge of blacking out from all this stupid.

But last night’s episode also had this cramaziness, which was stupid AND worth talking about:

Watching Snooki eat a pickle like she was giving was giving a juiced-up guido’s sausage  a little mouth lovin’ took her into a whole new realm of train wreck love because I could empathize with her situation.  Sure, I may not fellate my pickles when I eat them, but I do have a serious food crush on the kosher dills.  Seriously, just thinking about that garlic and vinegary goodness has me hungry like I’m knocked up with quintuplets.

And to make this tangential discussion even more absurd (yes, it’s possible), my brain damn near fell out of my ear when I recognized the very brand of pickles that she was eating:

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Jersey Shore: Don’t Ask Questions. Just Enjoy the (Train Wreck) Ride
December 9, 2009

Sorry for the timeliness, y’all, but I’ve been stuck in deep contemplation over our most recent pop culture phenomenon that will surely be swept under the rug of irrelevancy as soon at something more stupefyingly trashtastic comes our way.  Naturally I’m referring Jersey Shore:

And, while as much as I love the duck phone and the multiple references to puke breath and the guidos’ cartoonish hyper-masculinity and the simple fact that Pauly D owns a tanning bed IN HIS OWN HOME BEDROOM (!?!?!), I’ve also come to the decision that it is nearly impossible to talk about this show because it’s profoundly stupid.  It’s basically a documentary that was rejected by PBS because PBS decided that it would be disingenuous to air a series that treats its subject matter like a comically exhibitionistic alien race as opposed to real people that are part of an actual cultural minority but was then saved when MTV came along and was like, “Standards, shmandards!  TAKE US TO YOUR ARTIFICIALLY TANNED LEADER!!!”  Really, attempting to apply any sort of critical thought to this show is like like begging for a brain aneurysm.

For example, I know that enjoying this show as a study in human train wrecks makes us all slightly worse people than we were before Jersey Shore was in our lives, but even acknowledging that makes my head hurt when I consider that these people are so confident in how they see themselves that they clearly could care less what the rest of us think.  It can only explain this:

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