I’m not even joking, y’all. If you haven’t already seen the instant camp/cult classic that is Orphan yet, you know what you have to do:
Seriously, this completely insane movie still should be reason enough for you to suddenly feign illness and catch the earliest possible showing. This is a movie that uses a black-lit aquarium as a plot device! And when you see what said black-lit aquarium reveals, the absolute batshit insanity of it all will make your head explode. Twice. And that’s just tip of the crazy iceberg.
It has been ages and ages since we’ve seen anything so unrepentant in its ridiculousness. Orphan has a go-for-broke, let-us-shock-the-shit-out-of-you zeal that is truly inspired. It’s so ridiculous that it needs to come with protective glasses that keep your eyeballs from rolling out of your skull. It’s incredibly well made, genuinely creepy, and–to be completely frank–in the worst possible taste imaginable. And it’s so over-the-top in its bad taste that you can’t really fault it for arguably being total garbage. I’d like to be more articulate, but I’m honestly still trying to digest it. Having your head explode 37 separate times during a movie tends to do that to you. That, and you really can’t discuss Orphan‘s sublime pleasures without spoiling the living hell out of it.
Still, allow me to tantalize you with the following decontextualized phrases: