Today’s Secret Shame: I’ve Been Known to Do a Crazy Dance
July 2, 2009

Apparently my long-time friend and apprentice to my evil blog empire took offense at yesterday’s post about Hilary Duff post:

shmathan is displeased

Why?  Because apparently I neglected to mention that, in our sophomore year of college, Shmathan and were known to sing and dance to Ms. Duff’s ode to empowering spontaneity, “Why Not?”  I was going to be all apologetic and write a nostalgic post about all the wonderful times we’ve had, but I’ve unexpectedly come down with a case of the Carly Simons.  Symptoms include fever, nausea, and betting you think this blog is about you.  I mean, really, the indignation of it all!  How dare he?  Does he not know that my blog powers cannot be defeated:

Correction: My UNLIMITED POWAAAAAH (at blogging) cannot be defeated.  

Still, I must admit that, watching this clip, I cannot help but grow a little touched.  It was Shmathan and I who relished the camp pleasure of Ian McDiarmid’s batshit insane performance in Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith time and time again.  Shmathan was the one who solved the Rubick’s cube that is Jessica Alba’s acting style; and, yes, it was Shmathan who convinced me to do a crazy dance in the dorms, time and time again.  Damn you, nostalgia!  Must you be my Waterloo?  

Anywhosie, enough of that nonsense.  Now that I’ve shed my single tear of emotion, I need to touch-up my bitchface and get back to blogging like I only intend to see you next Tuesday.  And Shmathan, consider yourself spared.  This time.  Next time I’ll be considerably less favorable.  As if you could ever have the strength or fortitude to hijack my blogging for your own pety desires!  Ha!  POWAH!  UNLIMITED POW-

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Damnit, Gossip Girl! How Did You Know That Hilary Duff’s My Kryptonite?
July 1, 2009

Really, for no fathomable reason whatsoever, I’ve loved Hilary Duff ever since the summer I worked at Media Play and this video played on loop ALL DAMN THE TIME:

Is that a rhetorical question?  I don’t have the answer to such an existential question, Duff Duff!  Perhaps I’m crippled by a constant fear of stepping out of my comfort zone and encountering failure?  Maybe I just prefer color yellow over gold?  Really, I can’t say!  HELP ME UNDERSTAND!!!

Anyways, much to my utter (and utterly gay) delight, it’s being reported that Hilary Duff’ll be joining Gossip Girl this fall:

Duff, 21, will play a movie star named Olivia Burke who enrolls at NYU in search of a traditional, out-of-the-spotlight college experience. She will be roommates with Vanessa (played by Jessica Szohr).

Duff will first appear on the hit CW show during next season’s fourth episode, scheduled to air Oct. 5.

I can’t wait for this!  Really, this news is absolutely fabulous in so many different ways.  It means that Vanessa and her terribly styled “hipster” look will finally stop being relegated to selling us Dove soap during commercial breaks, which is nice because I really like her as a character even though the show never seems to know what the hell to do with her (except for disappearing to sell soap).  

This also means that Vanessa’s holier-than-thou-‘cos-I’m-from-Brooklyn attitude is now going to have a head on collision with a bona fide celebrity.  I smell GG catfight!  We’re going to see her turn up her knows so high that we’ll be able to count her boogers, but then of course Vanessa and the Duffster will become besties two scenes after their conflict is established because the narrative slow-burn is an art completely lost on the Gossip Girl writers.  Whatever.

Mostly, though, there’s something greater and infinitely more important that this news means, and do you want to know what it is?

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