Internet, Make (Alternate) Dynasty Happen!
August 3, 2009

Remember yesterday’s nightmare?  How could you forget it?  It’s sadly burnt itself into my memory for all eternity.  Sweet mercy was it the worst!

Fortunately for us, the internet is sorta like Newton’s third law of motion, and so for every nightmarish thing that should not exist there is a brilliantly insane thing that most certainly should exist.  Such is the case of this video for an alternate opening for Dynasty, which envisions what I’m pretty certain is an even better version of Dynasty than the one that already exists.  Seriously:

Mon dieu!  All that genius has temporarily stunted my capacity to speak in English, so I’m stuck with responding in French: 

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Hollywood: Put This Fan-Made 2012 Trailer in Theaters and You Will Sell All the Tickets
July 8, 2009

It’s still months away, but the excitement continues on:

2012 so excited

For realsies.  Whenever I so much as think about Roland Emmerich’s cinematic masterpiece of 110% visionary CGI craziness that will be  2012, I feel like a woman on the receiving end of terrible sex (which we all know helps keep you parents alive), and all I want to do is scream, “Can’t you just come already?”  And, of course, today has to just be another nail in my impatience grave.

Here’s a fan-made trailer for 2012 that reenvisions the film as another entry in the 70s disaster film trend, and then it ups the ante by deliberately reveling in the absurdity of the film’s numerous plot points.  I suggest watching it with a pair of adult diapers because it’s quite likely you’ll LOL your pants:

I’m quite well aware that this video is intended to satirize and revel in the fact that the plot points of action sequences of 2012 are nothing more than utter ridiculousness run amok.  I got it, y’all.  I wasn’t born in the obvious barn yesterday; nevertheless, aren’t you now infinitely more excited about seeing a movie for which your excitement was already approaching infinity (yes, that’s a math joke; yes, i’m a nerd)?  I know I am.

Quite frankly, Hollywood should take notes and start marketing their movies more like this.  Given how disastrous (pun for once actually not intended) most movies actually are, it’d be lovely to see the Studios quit with the snake oil sales pitches and just honestly sell us the garbage just as it is.

Then again, if you watch the official trailer again (even though I know you’ve watched it enough times to have it memorized), it seems pretty clear that Columbia knows exactly what they’re selling us:

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Things That Should Not Exist: This “Slut Barbie” YouTube Video
June 22, 2009

I can wrap my head around a lot of things.  Like this Barbie, for example:

black_canary_barbie.jpg

Black Canary is a DC superhero, so a Barbie for nerds makes sense, but I’d rather pretend that this is actually an homage to Marianne Faithfull in The Girl on a Motorcycle.  Whatever works.

I can also understand the below video’s existence insofar as I guess it’s a relatively normal thing to make Barbies have sex.  It’s a rather harmless way of exploring sexual relations and identity in your developmental years.  Puberty, with all its changes and urges and general confusion, is a total bitch; so if making your Barbies have sex is a safe and comfortable way to make sense of your burgeoning sexuality, then by all means go right ahead.

Nevertheless, this isn’t that sort of thing.

This is a full on six-minute narrative, replete with duplicitous behavior, man whoring, and catfights.  The unprecedented levels of batshit insanity surrounding this video’s very existence will blow your mind on multiple occasions, but it’s nevertheless totally worth watching.  “Slut Barbie” is very much real, debatably not safe for work, and absolutely profound.  PREPARE YOURSELF:

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Gabe and Max Make Me Want a Bloomin’ Onion
June 16, 2009

Maybe I’m carrying twins, or maybe it’s just a tapeworm, but I’ve been craving me some greasy-ass food today like the life of my unborn fake babies depended on it.    I’ve got an urge to gulp down country gravy like it’s a glass of water and add six slices of bacon to anything that’s remotely edible.  Seriously, I’d eat garbage, literal garbage, if it was deep fried.  It’s a problem.

Needless to say, the new Gabe and Max’s Guide to Man Style video ain’t helping my situation:

I should be prattling on about how dreamy Gabe is.  It may be old hat, but it’s always fashionable.  Instead of talking about that deliciousness, though, I’m fixated on that damn Bloomin’ Onion.  Really, look at this battered-and-deep-fried hotness:

bloomin onion

Sweet mercy, it’s delectable nature is taunting me, and at gimungo resolution, I’m a freakin’ Pavlovian hot mess.  I get that the Bloomin’ Onion is shot in such a way that it’s supposed to be comically grotesque, but it’s not working.  At all.  I just keep thinking about the ghastly calorie and sodium levels and the inevitable stomachache that eating an entire Bloomin’ Onion would cause, and then I just wish it was in front of me.  Right now.  Sure, Outback claims the Bloomin’ Onion serves six, but my fake unborn babies will totally help pick up the slack.

Besides, Bloomin’ Onions don’t involve women, so there’s always room for an extra five servings.

As always, air kisses to Videogum.

Things That Should Not Exist: This Pillsbury Doughboy Video
June 4, 2009

Perhaps it’s just me, but the Pillsbury Doughboy is the stuff of nightmares.  Like nannerpuss, he’s supposed to sell a product, but instead just creeps the living hell out of me.  Don’t get me wrong: I love me some Pillsbury products.  They’re delicious.  Hell, one time in undergrad I ate their croissant dough.  Literally, the dough.  Without baking it.  Because I’m a human garbage disposal like that.  But I digress.

Anyways, while you might see this:

doughboy

I look at the Doughboy and see THIS:

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He’s no mascot; he’s a dough monster!  I wouldn’t be surprised if he stays so plump by feasting on human flesh and adorable puppies.  He probably bakes children into meat pies using Pillsbury Frozen Deep Dish Pie Crusts and makes Funfetti-and-kitten cupcakes.  Seriously, how is this woman not fearing for her very life?  She’s clearly a braver soul than I.

Fortunately I found a support group for my phobia today.  It’s a 12-step program, and it involves watching this video, taking 5 minutes to realize that it’s a real video that–fake or not–was actually conceived and executed by someone, and then replaying it 10 more times:

I’m sorry, but did he just poop a croissant?  He just pooped a croissant!   Hahahahaha, AGAIN!

Doctor, I’m cured!

Werner Herzog’s Made His Showgirls
June 1, 2009

This is Werner Herzog:

herzog

(portrait © Robin Holland)

It’s rather safe to say that he’s one of cinema’s indisputable masters.  He’s made masterworks like Aguirre, the Wrath of God and Fitzcarldo and Grizzly Man.  He’s also a man of his word.  In short, Werner Herzog’s on the short list of the Bestest, and he’s now made Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans.  It’s about a cocaine-addicted police officer without any moral scruples and a major case of sailor’s mouth (ruh-roh!), and it stars Nicolas Cage (double, all-caps RUH-ROH!).  This is the trailer, which is not safe for work and will probably have my mother asking me why I get a thrill out of such garbage:

Crimminy crap, such garbage!  But hilarious garbage, to be sure!  There’s no point in even commenting on Nicolas Cage’s performance because we’ve all come to expect him to be consistently, categorically insane.  He has a lucky crack pipe, he hallucinates iguanas, and he fires off his gun so onlookers will leave him be while he has public sex with crack whores.  Nicolas Cage’s officially our generation’s John Wayne, the grand camp jester of histrionic masculinity; he’s brilliant.  I think what’s more important is the rest of this cast.  Serioulsly, y’all, it doesn’t make a damn lick of sense.

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There’s a Million Reasons Why Glee is Your New Favorite Show. Here are Just a Few
May 1, 2009

First and foremost, there’s the extended trailer.  Without a question, this show is going to be brilliant:

LOLOLOL!  This is the best, right?  RIGHT.

Still, if you find yourself needing talking points to explain to your friends why you’ll be busy on May 19th, as well as why they should also be canceling plans and staying in for the Glee preview special, then allow me to give you a few suggestions:

  • Glee is a genuinely clever spin on the archetypal high-school-set underdog narrative.  This is essentially like Bring It On (a movie that nobody, or at least nobody I’d ever care to know, doesn’t love) stretched into a serial television show and made infinitely more camp by being set in the musical-number-laden world of glee clubs.  You certainly don’t have to be a ‘mo to love this show, but it probably helps to have one in the family.  Or, at the least, your place of work.
  • Jane Lynch is in it.  This woman is an undeniable force of pure hilarity, and if she’s reason enough to see Post Grad, she certainly is reason enough to watch Glee.
  • Any mention of gold stars immediately triggers thoughts of Notes on a Scandal, which is a completely unrelated movie that is totally incredible and you really should see if you haven’t already.  Hell, just watching the trailer makes me certain that May 19th is going to be a gold star day.
  • Matthew Morrison, the guy who plays the teacher in charge of the glee club, is the Altoid of good looks.  He’s curiously handsome.
  • Ryan Murphy’s the creator.  He gave us the short-lived-but-totally-amazing show Popular and Nip/Tuck, a show that’s now completely derailed into batshit insanity but was genuinely great for the first two seasons.  Any television series that casts Famke “Fierce Bitch” Janssen as a tranny can’t be bad.
  • One word: Journey.

So there you have it.  Now neither you nor any of your friends have any excuses to not to watch Glee.  Seriously, y’all, it’s going to be the greatest.  Show.  EVER!

Much love to Parker for the tip!

The Girl on a Motorcycle‘s Mind-Blowing Ridiculousness Defies Understanding and Description
April 27, 2009

After the very sad passing of Jack Cardiff, one of my dearest professors/good friends/fellow lover of bad movies turned me onto a movie that the great cinematographer also directed.  This movie is called The Girl on a Motorcycle, and it stars Marianne Faithfull as (you guessed it!) a girl on a motorcycle.  Alain Delon also stars in it as the lover the Girl has left her husband for, and there’s lots of psychedelics because it’s the 60s and that’s just what happened.  Judging by what I’ve found online in terms of clips, I cannot tell if this movie is a profoundly bad movie that’s made even more magical by being so dated as a product of the late 60s, or if The Girl on the Motorcycle has always been the transcendentally bad experience it looks to be.  Whatever the case, there’s little I can say about The Girl on a Motorcycle other than the fact that these clips make it look TOTALLY AMAZING.

To start, there’s the trailer:

Absolutely incredible.  In a mere 50 seconds, my mind has been blown multiple times by the unbridled lunacy of this affair.  The music is spectacularly kitschy, the sex looks like the antithesis of erotic, Marianne Faithfull’s face are priceless, and that narration sends me into an unprecedented fit of giggles from the sheer camp of it all.  

And trust me when I tell you that it’s not just a bad trailer.  These are the opening credits:

Whoah.  Before seeing this, I never realized that a freakin’ credit sequence could be such a dazzling train wreck, but they apparently can.  Learning is fun, yay!  It of course doesn’t hurt to finally see where the total campsterpiece that is Batman Forever took inspiration for its title sequence.  Ladies and gentlemen, if title sequences are any indication for what cinematically lies ahead, I’m gonna hazard a guess and say that this bodes very well for the rest of the movie.

And if you take into account the ending, well, hot damn.  The ending does feature some Marianne Faithfull boob, so it’s probably NSFW, but it also features unbridled hilarity to the bajillionth degree, so there’s no reason you shouldn’t watch it immediately. Also, as it’s the ending, consider this your spoiler warning for all further discussion:

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If You Do One Thing Today, Make it Voting for Beaker’s “Ode to Joy”
April 22, 2009

 Over Christmas break, my friend Bethany informed me that her brother’s production company was responsible for the totally brilliant Muppet videos that had sprung up on YouTube.  I’m not saying that I’m jealous or anything, but let’s just say that I hate her face for being so badass.  

ANYWAYS, she just informed me today that one video in particular, Beaker’s “Ode to Joy,” has been nominated for a Webby, which is like the Oscars of the internet.  In case you haven’t seen it, here is the Beaker brazilliance in all its glory:

I mean, we can all agree that this video is completely amazing, and by “agree” I mean that I will not tolerate any dissenting opinions so shut your trap and deal with it.  That being said, you really should go sign up and vote for the video over at the Webby’s to make sure it wins.  Just find it under the “Music” subsection of “Online Film & Video.”  And don’t forget to tell anybody you’re remotely connected to via the interweb!

Seriously, y’all, it’d make Bethany happy, which’ll in turn make me happy, and  I’m really not in the mood to beg.  Or hate your face.  Voting closes on April 30th, so hop to it!

Forget Ben-Hur. This Video is How You Celebrate Easter
April 12, 2009

As a rule of thumb, I hate the over-baked aesthetics of Guy Ritchie movies.  All the shaky camera work and hyper-stylized freeze frames don’t serve a purpose or suggest any real talent.  They’re just a desperate plea to look cool.  They work when you’re 16 because you don’t know any better, but I’m no longer 16, so Guy Ritchie and his stylistic ilk sit quite comfortably on my Do Not Want list.

This video, however, proves that there is always an exception to the rule:

Apparently the Guy Ritchie aesthetic works best with pastel colors and twisted sense of humor.  I’m glad we’ve cleared that up.

What Do You Get When You Cross Forest Whitaker and a Tranny Prostitute?
April 10, 2009

Pure comedy gold, that’s what.  Powder Blue is totally shaping up to be legendary, y’all.  Just check out all this ACTING and DRAMA:

Hot damn!  Forget the acting (which is totally ridiculous, to be sure; whenever that tranny throws up her hands, an angel gets its wings).  What in the world is going on with the directing in this movie?  Timothy Linh Bui is cramming so many unnecessary edits into this scene to show off the DRAMA and ARTISTIC INTEGRITY of his VISION; unfortunately, the sense of time is so disorienting that I feel like I’m on Lost island, complete with the nosebleeds!  Yikes!

I’m also at this point completely in love with the screenplay for Powder Blue, which in this scene alludes to a Candid Camera-esque TV show that apparently involves picking up tranny hookers and having their johns make bizarre requests.  It’s kinda like Punk’d, I suppose, but with less Ashton Kutcher and more transexual prostitution.  Yes, that definitely sounds like a show.  On TV.  In the real world.  

And let’s not forget the tranny’s words of wisdom: “Everyone’s got problems!  Deal with it!”  Oh, tranny, truer words never spoken.  I smell Oscars, y’all.  Oscars all around!

Like I said, people: Powder Blue shall be legendary (for how it’s divorced from any and all notions of reality and artistic competency).  Or, in other words: Powder Blue will be the best.

This Viral Marketing Campaign Seals the Deal: I Absolutely Must See Obsessed on Opening Night
April 2, 2009

It’s no secret that I can’t wait to see Obsessed.  I’ve long enjoyed watching Ali Larter since her days in The House on Haunted Hill and Final Destination, and I’m quite serious that I believe this movie will make her a camp icon for a generation of the gays.  She’s like the Gina Gershon to Beyonce’s Elizabeth Berkley.  Now theres a new viral marketing campaign for the movie, Get Obsessed With Ali, and it’s totally set my camp sensors off.

All you do is upload a photo, answer a few simple questions from a list of preselected answers, and then the site generates a personal message from Ali’s totally crazy stalker character, Lisa.  It’s so simple, I can even do it:

obsessed-with-ali1

Ruh-roh!  Looks like Ali Larter’s my batshit insane stalkerriffic fag hag!  I hate it when that happens (I’m totally lying when I say that).

Beyond simply being a total pleasure to watch Ali’s eyes burn like a the flaming pyre of a warehouse of Levi’s bootcut crazy jeans burning to the ground, the ending is an absolute LOL-bomb, y’all.  Make sure you’ve just peed before you you make your own Get Obsessed With Ali video; you might otherwise wet yourself.

If this site is any indication, then Obsessed is well aware of the trashopalooza that it is.  April 24th will clearly be the campiest day of this month, and I’m painfully giddy in anticipation.  You should be too.

We Can All Agree: Gabe Delahaye is a Dreamboat Among Men
March 28, 2009

In my utter commitment to blabbering on about absolutely nothing of any relevance, I bring you the latest installment of Gabe and Max’s Guide to Man Style, which I stumbled upon over at Videogum:

Admittedly, this isn’t the funniest of their clips, but it’s still fabulous and with just enough homoeroticism to send me into a fit of vapors.  No, the funniest would have to go to their video on dining and wine, which might be the most brilliant thing I’ve ever seen (which might indicate that I don’t get out much):

Given my proclivity for cooking and fondness for dinner parties, I think my next party should indeed be themed “Erotic Nightmare.”  Whatever precisely that is.  I’ll figure it out after I’ve successfully hosted my “Divas of Classic Hollywood” dinner party.

Anywhosie, the real point of this blabberfest is to point out the terribly obvious fact that these two men are comedic geniuses, and also the even more obvious fact that Gabe is the dreamiest thing known to (gay) mankind.  When I say this to people, I get looks of extreme confusion, but it’s really quite obvious:

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If You’re a Lost Fan, This Will Make You Pee Your Pants
March 25, 2009

Lost fans are a rather particular and obsessive cult, but these are rather necessary qualities for a show of such narrative complexity.  With all the time-hopping and complicated mythologies and tantalizing mysteries, you really can’t half-ass your way through a viewing.  With all that said, I imagine this video won’t make much sense to the uninitiated, and you’ll probably tell me I’ve a terribly lame sense of humor (perhaps) or I’m totally gay for liking that video (well I am, duh, but that’s ‘cos I like men; liking this video is purely incidental).  To those that watch Lost, though, you’d better have some adult diapers ready.  In honor of a new episode of Lost tonight, I present this to you:

“I guess that’s more of a fact than a joke.”  In internet terms, I believe the response to that line is LOL.  I prefer brilliant.  

This video is like the fifth-season-Lost of comedy videos in that its success is based entirely on having followed the show and being able to catch all the references.  That said, the reactions alone make this video positively priceless.  Between the girl playing Claire and the spot-on Hurley, this video is an infinite source of laughter.  

I also highly consider checking out the website where I found this video.  This Gil Ozeri fellow is some kind of comedic genius.

Also, I’ll be telling that smoke monster joke all day.  You’ve been warned.

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