NEWS: Leighton Meester’s Got a New Song; YouTube Commenters Still the Classiest
July 6, 2009

We all know that you aren’t really someone until you’ve dabbled in having your own music career.  It’s a universal truth.  After all, Heidi “My Personal Source of Eternal Schadenfreude” Montag is a somebody, and she’s obviously known for “Sex Ed,” which–in anticipation of the impending end of the world in 2012— has impressively already won the Summer Jam  of the Millenium award.  Really, you can never be too quick when recognizing talent.

Anyways, we can now officially say that Leighton Meester, Gossip Girl‘s very own Blair Waldorf, is now a someone as well.  Her song is called “Body Control,” and I’ve been listening to it ad nauseam all morning because I love Blair Waldorf.  And I can’t figure out why I like it.  And I have no self-respect:

WORK IT, GIRL!  After a bajillion listens, I think I finally understand why I’m behind this song.

I like to imagine that this isn’t Leighton Meester herself, but a leaked song intended for the Gossip Girl season 3 plot line where Blair, à la Lady Gaga, drops out of NYU to pursue a career as a pop-musician/performance artist.  All that Auto-Tune you hear would be a deliberate part of her act, a post-humanization of the voice (i.e., self) meant to explore new conceptualizations of identity brought about by the proliferation of information in the age of text-messaging, the internet, and the brave new world that is Gossip Girl.  

Her back up dancers would look sorta like the robot from Metropolis, and they’d do Nomi-Malone-esque dances while dressed in fabulous trench coats with perfectly accessorized head bands.  I mean, I probably don’t have to tell you how amazing that would be because you already know how amazing that that would be, but it would be TOTALLY AMAZING!  Just think about it: Blair-Bots?  You know you love it, xoxo.

While my reaction may look like an OD on crazy pills, we fortunately also have YouTube commenters, those torchbearers of intelligent cultural discourse and general classiness.   They have taken to message boards to add their own two-cents and remind us what the rest of the world is thinking:

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Heidi Montag’s Sad Face is the New Face of Schadenfreude
June 2, 2009

Never in a million years would I consider watching something like I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!  I get that my pop culture eating would suggest I’ve the diet of a subway rat, but even I’ve gotta draw the line somewhere, and my line is Heidi Montag and her pet monster husband, Spencer Pratt.  Other than producing mind-meltingly awful (yet occasionally masochistically catchy) music, they’re pretty terrible human beings who’re famous simply for playing fake versions of themselves on The Hills.  They’ve no cultural value beyond being a prime example of shameless self-promotion at its narcissistic worst.  As such, it’s no surprise whatsoever that I take such pleasure in this image:

heidi montag schadenfreude

Apparently Heidi and Spencer a fit over being forced to slum it Survivor style, and this caused Heidi to have an on-camera breakdown.  Gawker has a clip of it, and it’s poetry in motion to be sure, but all I really need is this picture to get me through the day.  I’m going set it up as my wallpaper on my computer, and I’m going to print out a copy and laminate it and keep it in my wallet in case I ever need something to make me smile during my MTA commute.  I’ll paint a fresco of this picture, Sistine Chapel style, so I can wake up to this sublime beauty every morning.  Ben and Jerry’s needs to use this picture as inspiration for a new flavor called “Heidi’s Decadent Tears of Sorrow.”  I’m thinking black raspberry and sweet cream swirls with white chocolate tears, but that’s just me.   

This picture says so much about celebrity culture today, about the grotesque sense of entitlement and the monstrous egos that balloon because we allow the frequency of being written about in Us Weekly and blogged about on the internet–as opposed to being appreciated for an actual talent–to be the new barometer for being famous.  More importantly, this picture is like looking at that sort of “celebrity” fall into itself like a black hole of self-importance.  When you think about it, this picture’s a train wreck of the uglier impulses of the human condition.  A beautiful, beautiful train wreck.

Cheers to E! Online for the screen grab.

Heidi Montag’s “Sex Ed” is Your New Favorite Song
April 29, 2009

Do you enjoy having your ears bleed?  Have you ever wondered what awful sounds like?  Is good taste your enemy, and do you imagine opening the Lament Configuration to be your idea of a pleasant way to spend a Saturday afternoon?  Well, if you answered yes to any of these, then do I ever have the summer jam for you.  It’s Heidi Montag’s “Sex Ed,” and it’s profound(ly bad):

I mean, are there words for this?  Heidi Montag’s totally raised the bar on scraping the bottom of the barrel, and for that she genuinely deserves applause.  On one hand, this is without a doubt the single most dreadful piece of noise that’s been misnomered as music I’ve ever heard in my entire life, but on the other hand I just can’t stop listening to it.  This is the soundtrack to my dreams when I dream of Showgirls 2.  This “song” is so terrible that I imagine it’s come from a different universe where everything’s indubitably the worst, or at the very least a another planet where everything is backwards.  “Sex Ed” is the new gold standard of bad ideas, and this mess is completely amazing.

Also, I think it goes without saying, but the photo that accompanies this mess merely confirms what we’ve all suspected: Heidi Montag is one classy bitch.  When Spencer Pratt tries to run for President of the United States, which is a horrifying prospect that I’ve never the less accepted as most likely inevitable, this woman could be First Lady.  Remember that when you go into the voting booths of the future, America.  Remember that.

Thank goodness we’ve got Videogum to discover the finest pleasures in life.

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