U2 NLOTH Haiku Review: “Cedars of Lebanon”
March 3, 2009

Benjamin made a promise to review every track off No Line on the Horizon, one a day, leading up to the official release on March 3.  Whoopsies!  Unfortunately, he can’t write about music for a damn as he studied film; it’s all “chiming Edge guitar” this and “propulsive rhythm by Larry and Adam” that, blah blah BLECH.  Instead, he’s embraced the new-found experimentation that U2 has clearly found: why review when you can haiku?  So put on your crazy boots, ‘cos here comes the next round:

Aaaaaaaand we’re finally here.  At the end.  Turns out that my sore sinuses from the other day ended up being the first tremors of a bona-fide  sickquake.  Thankfully a little homemade chicken soup and a healthy dose bed-rest have got me back on my blogging feet (minus a scratchy throat, but thankfully I blog with my fingers, so no harm and no foul, I figure), but I digress.  We’re here to talk haiku reviews, not my old-maid tricks to getting over a winter-weather cold.  So FOCUS, people!  We’ve finally made it to the finish line of gonzo endeavor.  So dust off your mourning veils and get the kindling for your funeral pyres; this is the end of a (week-and-a-half-long) era:

cedars-haiku1

I suppose, as much as this is an end, we can always put the album on repeat (something I’ve already been plenty guilty of and shall continue to just get guiltier), so there’s no need for tears (well, except for the fact that you’ve just listen to “Cedars of Lebanon,” which is a one-way ticket to frowns-ville, population you and me). 

So there you have it.  Every song off No Line on the Horizon reviewed in haiku.  I’m sure this experience was deeply illuminating and informative in a 5-syllable/7-syllable/5-syllable sort of way.  Or perhaps they’ve inspired you to put me on blog-block.  For eternity.  

Either way, you’re welcome.

U2 NLOTH Haiku Review: “Breathe”
March 1, 2009

Benjamin made a promise to review every track off No Line on the Horizon, one a day, leading up to the official release on March 3.  Whoopsies!  Unfortunately, he can’t write about music for a damn as he studied film; it’s all “chiming Edge guitar” this and “propulsive rhythm by Larry and Adam” that, blah blah BLECH.  Instead, he’s embraced the new-found experimentation that U2 has clearly found: why review when you can haiku?  So put on your crazy boots, ‘cos here comes the next round:

Let’s file this under bitter irony: my sinuses decide to turn on me the day “Breathe” comes up in this little endeavor.  Woof.  Admittedly, I’m not a cloggy mess, but my sinuses are all dried out and burny.  It’s better than being a mucous machine  (too much information?  nonsense, we’re close at this point, so deal!), but still, it hurts to…wait for it…breathe.  Harharhar!

breathe-haiku

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, it’s time for me to find my neti pot.  I’m glad I got to share with you my sinus status and another haiku, my dears.  Tomorrow, the grand finale: “Cedars of Lebanon”!

As always, you can stream No Line on the Horizon on U2’s Myspace, so you can hear of which I haiku.

U2 NLOTH Haiku Review: “White as Snow”
February 28, 2009

Benjamin made a promise to review every track off No Line on the Horizon, one a day, leading up to the official release on March 3.  Whoopsies!  Unfortunately, he can’t write about music for a damn as he studied film; it’s all “chiming Edge guitar” this and “propulsive rhythm by Larry and Adam” that, blah blah BLECH.  Instead, he’s embraced the new-found experimentation that U2 has clearly found: why review when you can haiku?  So put on your crazy boots, ‘cos here comes the next round:

Given how joyfully upbeat the bulk of No Line on the Horizon is, “White as Snow” is kinda like an unexpected sadness kick to the face.  It’s ethereal and quite lovely, but it’s bound to give you a case of the frowns.  Grab your Prozac and take it to your happy place, y’all, ‘cos here we go:

was-haiku

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d best be off to the set of the video for “Laid” with my bag full of Heath bars.  I’ll be back tomorrow with “Breathe.”

As always, you can stream No Line on the Horizon on U2’s Myspace, so you can hear of which I haiku.

U2 NLOTH Haiku Review: “Fez–Being Born”
February 27, 2009

Benjamin made a promise to review every track off No Line on the Horizon, one a day, leading up to the official release on March 3.  Whoopsies!  Unfortunately, he can’t write about music for a damn as he studied film; it’s all “chiming Edge guitar” this and “propulsive rhythm by Larry and Adam” that, blah blah BLECH.  Instead, he’s embraced the new-found experimentation that U2 has clearly found: why review when you can haiku?  So put on your crazy boots, ‘cos here comes the next round:

So, until earlier today, I didn’t know what the lyrics were to “Fez–Being Born.”  So I looked them up.

BAD IDEA!

I’ll admit that it’s a personal thing, but I find the physical act of birth completely horrific.  Yes, the birth of a life is a beautiful thing; and no, this is not about some homo-based fear of lady parts.  I’ve heard too many stories of what can happen to women during the act of birth to think it could ever be pleasant.  And I’ve also seen Romance, which is a fascinating exploration and dissection of female sexuality that ends with a bona-fide child birth, which simply visualizes my previous assumption.  Understanding the lyrics to this song is, in a certain way then, kinda like having a relapse with post-traumatic stress syndrome.

fez-haiku

That all being said, I still love the song.  I’ll just pretend that I still don’t understand the lyrics so as to not drop to the floor of a subway train in apoplectic shock when I hit the second verse.  In such a scenario, everybody wins.

‘Til then, I won’t even talk numbers.  This album is almost over 😦  Next up is “White as Snow.”

As always, you can stream No Line on the Horizon on U2’s Myspace, so you can hear of which I haiku.

U2 NLOTH Haiku Review: “Stand Up Comedy”
February 26, 2009

Benjamin made a promise to review every track off No Line on the Horizon, one a day, leading up to the official release on March 3.  Whoopsies!  Unfortunately, he can’t write about music for a damn as he studied film; it’s all “chiming Edge guitar” this and “propulsive rhythm by Larry and Adam” that, blah blah BLECH.  Instead, he’s embraced the new-found experimentation that U2 has clearly found: why review when you can haiku?  So put on your crazy boots, ‘cos here comes the next round:

As we enter the seventh (almost) consecutive day in this little blogging experiment, I’m beginning to think I’m losing my mind.  I cannot stop thinking about greasy fast food.  At all.  The greasier, the better.  I keep thinking about the goopy, melted cheese in the Cosi tuna melt and the perfect pickles in the McDonald’s double-cheeseburger.  And then there’s the Chick-fil-A chicken biscuit, that little piece of heaven you can eat.  I need a  grease fix so bad that I could just drink a cup of gravy right now!  Is this what overexposure to haiku does to you?  I mean, look at how bad this has gotten:

stand-up-haiku

Obviously too much haiku makes you pregnant, ‘cos I’ve got a craving that is OUT OF CONTROL.  I just hope it’s not twins.

Tomorrow we move on to “Fez-Being Born.”  Four more to go, y’all!

As always, you can stream No Line on the Horizon on U2’s Myspace, so you can hear of which I haiku.

U2 NLOTH Haiku Review: “I’ll Go Crazy if I Don’t Go Crazy Tonight”
February 24, 2009

Benjamin made a promise to review every track off No Line on the Horizon, one a day, leading up to the official release on March 3.  Whoopsies!  Unfortunately, he can’t write about music for a damn as he studied film; it’s all “chiming Edge guitar” this and “propulsive rhythm by Larry and Adam” that, blah blah BLECH.  Instead, he’s embraced the new-found experimentation that U2 has clearly found: why review when you can haiku?  So put on your crazy boots, ‘cos here comes the next round:

I don’t know if it’s the fact that I got more than four hours of sleep last night, or maybe the fact that I got to write about Showgirls earlier today (it’s probably the latter, not the former; thinking about 10 seconds of Showgirls for me is twenty minutes of kitten videos on Youtube for grandmas: it’s a happy place), but I’m in a much better mood than yesterday.  It seems as though the gay-man-equivalent of catnip (aka, Showgirls) has rendered Cranky McCrankerson docile and content.  Thaaank goodness.  

So, yeah, let’s drop this new haiku like Nomi dropped her crack addiction:

crazy-haiku

Almost halfway done!  Hot toddy!  Next up is “Get On Your Boots.”

As always, you can stream No Line on the Horizon on U2’s Myspace, so you can hear of which I haiku.

U2 NLOTH Haiku Review: “Unknown Caller”
February 23, 2009

Benjamin made a promise to review every track off No Line on the Horizon, one a day, leading up to the official release on March 3.  Whoopsies!  Unfortunately, he can’t write about music for a damn as he studied film; it’s all “chiming Edge guitar” this and “propulsive rhythm by Larry and Adam” that, blah blah BLECH.  Instead, he’s embraced the new-found experimentation that U2 has clearly found: why review when you can haiku?  So put on your crazy boots, ‘cos here comes the next round:

I don’t know if it’s the lack of sleep (because Oscar parties in Washington Heights when you have to still travel back home to Brooklyn will do that to you) or what, but these damn haikus are wearing me out.  Curses to my blog promise!  Ugh.  Let’s get this done with:

u-c-haiku

Whatever.  I’m clearly Blogster the Grouch right now.  Let’s all go to bed.  G’night.

Tomorrow is “I’ll Go Crazy if I Don’t Go Crazy Tonight.”

As always, you can stream No Line on the Horizon on U2’s Myspace, so you can hear of which I haiku.

U2 NLOTH Haiku Review: “Moment of Surrender”
February 23, 2009

Benjamin made a promise to review every track off No Line on the Horizon, one a day, leading up to the official release on March 3.  Whoopsies!  Unfortunately, he can’t write about music for a damn as he studied film; it’s all “chiming Edge guitar” this and “propulsive rhythm by Larry and Adam” that, blah blah BLECH.  Instead, he’s embraced the new-found experimentation that U2 has clearly found: why review when you can haiku?  So put on your crazy boots, ‘cos here comes the next round:

Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I’m still playing catch-up with this foolish project.  So sue me.  The Oscars were yesterday, which meant I had to spend my day making banana nut muffins and doing oodles of laundry.  Seriously, my room was mere days away from warranting hazmat suits for guests.  Don’t believe me?  This is my room:

swamp-room2

Well, minus Swamp Thing and Heather Locklear.  My room simply isn’t lucky enough to house the cast of the 80s-camp goodness that is The Return of Swamp Thing.  Then again, is any room that lucky?  No, I think not.

But I digress.

Here’s the next installment of our haiku review.  If it were 2008, I’d make some timely joke about drinking it up like a milkshake, because Daniel Day Lewis was winning at the Oscars  for There Will Be Blood.  Alas, better (a year) late than never.  So drink it up!  Drink up the haiku-shake:

(more…)

U2 NLOTH Haiku Review: “Magnificent”
February 21, 2009

Benjamin made a promise to review every track off No Line on the Horizon, one a day, leading up to the official release on March 3.  Whoopsies!  Unfortunately, he can’t write about music for a damn as he studied film; it’s all “chiming Edge guitar” this and “propulsive rhythm by Larry and Adam” that, blah blah BLECH.  Instead, he’s embraced the new-found experimentation that U2 has clearly found: why review when you can haiku?  So put on your crazy boots, ‘cos here comes the next round:

Two reviews in one day?  Isn’t this supposed to be daily?” you ask.  

“Tacky, insolent reader,” I reply, “I was too busy writing about blue genitals on Friday.  Recognize the priorities!  Today is catch-up day, and tomorrow we’ll return to our regularly scheduled program.”

“Fair is fair,” you respond.  As you should.

The new haiku review drops NOW:

magnificent-haiku

Whew!  Another down.  I think I may be getting the hang of this.  Haikus are fun (and by fun, I should say that they’re a lazy man’s review)!  Only nine more left!  We can do this!  Hold onto your haiku hats, ‘cos tomorrow gets another!

Oh, and as always, you can stream No Line on the Horizon on U2’s Myspace, so you can hear of which I haiku.

No Line on the Horizon Track-by-Track Review: “No Line on the Horizon”
February 21, 2009

So apparently the “No Line on the Horizon” I heard before was totally a b-side.  Whoopsiedaisy!  That must’ve been the “punk-y Pixies/Buzzcocks homage” version that Q Magazine mentioned some time ago.  All the better.  Anything unexpected shall always surprise.  And “No Line on the Horizon” surprises in spades.  And by surprises, I mean this song is awesomely ridiculous.  Check out U2’s Myspace page if you don’t believe me; they’re streaming that ridiculousness.

So in honor of all the ridiculousness and surprises No Line on the Horizon seems to be holding, I’ve decided to do these track-by-track reviews as haikus, because that’s also surprising and ridiculous (and I also don’t know how to properly discuss music worth a damn; I studied film, lay off me!).

So here we go, y’all:

nloth-haiku

Well that was fun (?).  And ludicrous.  And an exercise in absolute nonsense.  And there’s still 10 more to go.  Ruh-roh.  Looks like this is going to be a bumpy ride on the crazy train…

Next up: “Magnificent.”

I Will Review Every No Line on the Horizon Song. Individually. Because I’m Ridiculous.
February 19, 2009

nlothholdon1

Last night, in a fit of unbridled brilliance (insanity), I had a realization: if I tried to say everything I want to say about No Line on the Horizon, I’d be blogging ’til infinity.  I’d lose my job and my friends and stop eating or bathing, and then they’d put me on Intervention, and afterwards I’d say I was clean but really that would be a lie ‘cos I’d be secretly blogging whenever people weren’t looking, and it’d generally be all kinds of awful (for you, not me).

So I decided to compromise.  I’ll ride my crazy train for the next twelve days.  Each day I’ll tackle a song from the album, culminating in a review of the album as a whole on No Line‘s release date.  Then I promise stop talking about talk less about this album.  Until the tour.  Maybe.

Oh, and there’s no need to thank me.  You’re welcome.

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