Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: On Enrique Iglesias’s “I Like It”
July 1, 2010

Last night, faithful reader and fellow pop culture blogger Alex brought this video to my attention, so you can thank/blame him for this one.  Here’s the music video for Enrique Iglesias’s “I Like It” featuring Pitbull.  Oh, and the cast of Jersey Shore:

First off: HUH?!?

Is Enrique Iglesias still cool kid music?  Did “Sad Eyes” make him hip again?  (Please let it be “Sad Eyes” that made him hip again because that video is AWESOME.)  Also, is a love of Enrique Iglesias some sort of secret, previously unspoken part of the guido subculture that Jersey Shore‘s second season will explore with the same nuance and cultural sensitivity that it brought to sausage and peppers and fist pumping and pickle sucking, or is this a we-set-this-one-in-Miami thing?

Where the hell is Sourpuss during this mess?

enrique iglesias i like it jersey shore version

Oh, I’m sorry, I meant Angelina.  Did she pack up her trash bags and head back home again?

Do you know who loves fist pumping?  Guidos.  Do you know who loves fist pumping AND doing their best moves from The Matrix on people’s couches?  Enrique Iglesias.

But perhaps most importantly:

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Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: On Ronnie, The Situation, and Vinnie Being on the “Queer Issue” of the Village Voice
June 23, 2010

The guys from Jersey Shore, save for Ronnie (and Ronnie’s Prince Albert), unknowingly ended up on the cover of the Village Voice‘s “Queer Issue” because it features an article about guidos on the down-low:

This just makes sense.  Much like how my Jersey Shore nickname is “The Sausage Party.”

I mean, when you consider that these men represent the sort of butch-acting, worked-out hyper-masculinity that a sizable portion of the gay community idealizes (and gay-for-pay porn most certainly commodifies), and when you think about how the second season of Jersey Shore isn’t just going to promote itself, OF COURSE they are.

But perhaps more importantly:

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Jersey Shore Deep Thoughts: On How Absence Truly Does Make the Heart Grow Fonder
April 23, 2010

I didn’t wake up this morning expecting to miss any of the cast members of Jersey Shore the way Snooki misses pickles during a cucumber blight, but then I saw this picture of Snooki and JWOWW film the second season of Jersey Shore down in Miami, and that’s when I was reminded of the guidette-shaped hole in my heart:

I mean, you’ve got Snooki drinking a giant frozen margarita with not one but TWO upturned Coronas in it, which is enough booze to give me a bitch of a hangover just looking at it.  Seriously, I feel like one of those could put me damn close to being under the table, two could fell a baby rhinoceros, and three will have Snooki doing backflips all over South Beach.  Added to that, you’ve got JWOWW doing something that requires looking down at her plate while a cigarette dangles deftly from her lip.  Maybe this picture’s just giving me an acid flashback from all the classiness and Aquanet that goes into a single episode of Jersey Shore, but hot damn do I miss watching these two broads in action.  Personally speaking, MTV should just drop the rest of the cast and focus entirely on Jersey Shore‘s two best besties.  Nelly Furtado’s “Maneater” could be their theme song, and it’d be all about Snooki and JWOWW’s friendship and fierceness.  JWOWW could bring her killer tops and her epic fists of fury, and Snooki can bring the FACE:

I’m not quite sure what’s happening up there except that I love it, but I think this next one’s pretty obvious:

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Jersey Shore: Don’t Ask Questions. Just Enjoy the (Train Wreck) Ride
December 9, 2009

Sorry for the timeliness, y’all, but I’ve been stuck in deep contemplation over our most recent pop culture phenomenon that will surely be swept under the rug of irrelevancy as soon at something more stupefyingly trashtastic comes our way.  Naturally I’m referring Jersey Shore:

And, while as much as I love the duck phone and the multiple references to puke breath and the guidos’ cartoonish hyper-masculinity and the simple fact that Pauly D owns a tanning bed IN HIS OWN HOME BEDROOM (!?!?!), I’ve also come to the decision that it is nearly impossible to talk about this show because it’s profoundly stupid.  It’s basically a documentary that was rejected by PBS because PBS decided that it would be disingenuous to air a series that treats its subject matter like a comically exhibitionistic alien race as opposed to real people that are part of an actual cultural minority but was then saved when MTV came along and was like, “Standards, shmandards!  TAKE US TO YOUR ARTIFICIALLY TANNED LEADER!!!”  Really, attempting to apply any sort of critical thought to this show is like like begging for a brain aneurysm.

For example, I know that enjoying this show as a study in human train wrecks makes us all slightly worse people than we were before Jersey Shore was in our lives, but even acknowledging that makes my head hurt when I consider that these people are so confident in how they see themselves that they clearly could care less what the rest of us think.  It can only explain this:

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Or as I Like to Call It: Gindaloon, The Documentary Miniseries
November 11, 2009

Here’s the promo for MTV’s newest reality series, Jersey Shore, which just might be the nadir pinnacle of television programming:

It’s basically the bastard baby between The Hills and The Real Housewives of New Jersey, so it’s going to be 2009’s prize gem of trash television.  I personally hope that at least one girl pulls a Teresa and flips a table over, and I super hope at least one of the guys acts like this guy.  Chances are they will at least that ridiculous and then some, and that can mean only one thing:

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Hell Hath No Fury Like a Gindaloon Scorned
September 1, 2009

This past weekend, I was told that I had to make the word gindaloon part of my blog vocabulary.  A gindaloon is a guido by another name, but you can also call ’em ginzos if you three syllables is one too many to express your Jersey Shore hate.  ANYWAYS, thanks to the glorious serendipity of the interwebs, such a request has quickly been answered by this viral video.  Behold the incredibly NSFW yet utterly captivating musings of this guido–excuse me–gindaloon:

Erm, what?  Why is it that every time guys try to act excessively masculine the end result has a curiously homoerotic charge?  This video comes off as less like a threat and more like one of those embarrassing voicemails you leave at 3 am after too many Flirtinis and a really bad breakup.  Except this shit is butch as hell.  Because of the tequila:

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