TGIFriday the 13th, Now Here’s Betsy Palmer as Mrs. Voorhees
March 13, 2015

In the annals of great camp performances, I think Betsy Palmer’s turn as Mrs. Voorhees is the (over the)tops, and since it’s apropos of today, here she is simply killing it (literally) in Friday the 13th as one of my favorite horror movie mommie dearests this side of Vera Farmiga’s Norma Bates and Ronee Blakley in A Nightmare on Elm Street:

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Finally, a Movie Review! For Friday the 13th!!!
February 17, 2009

Remember last Friday, when we were still living in a world where Friday the 13th wasn’t out in theaters yet?  Well, now we live in a brave new world where it’s out in the theaters available for mass consumption.  And just as Lost has taught us that you can’t go back in time to kill Hitler, we also can’t go back in time to stop them from making the new Friday the 13th, so I guess we should stop building that time machine and just start adjusting.  That doesn’t change one crucial fact, though:

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I mean, Friday the 13th is just like Brave New World, except instead of everybody taking Soma to emotionally anesthetize themselves while worshipping Henry Ford, everybody’s taking stupid pills while worshipping boobs.  Seriously, so much of the boobs in this movie.  

But I’m not here to (only) complain about boobs.  Nope, I’m here to complain about Friday the 13th. (more…)

The Only Thing That Matters This Weekend is “Friday the 13th”
February 13, 2009

crystal-lake-is-for-lovers

Valentine’s Day, Schmalentine’s Day.  And yes, I’m even including the fact that the day afterwards (aka, Half-Priced Candy Day).  Nothing says “I love you” like taking your sweetie to the new remake of Friday the 13th.  Agreed?

Agreed.  If, of course, by “I love you,” you really want to say “I want to test the strength of our relationship by submitting you to this ridiculous looking movie.”  But don’t take my word for it; after all, I failed Romance 101 at the Relationship Community College for Continuing Education.

Anywho.

This movie does genuinely look quite delightful, so color me excited.  Why?  Well, I’ve never been a fan of the Friday the 13th franchise, so I’m not particularly invested with how the material is going to be treated; as a result, the level of expectation’s already been set low to maximize enjoyment.

Also, mathematically speaking (because I am my mother’s son), if there are 13 deaths in a 97 minute running time , that averages to 1 death per approximately every 7.5 minutes.  With so many people to off in so little time, I’m going to hazard a guess that this movie will really work the character development into overdrive (an overdrive of shoddily sketched out one-dimensional caricatures) so that we really feel for every character dispatched.  Feel nothing but glee, that is.  Like a game of limbo, my expectations are gettin’ lower!      

But then there’s this, this beautiful piece of news I saw when I checked out Rotten Tomatoes earlier this afternoon:

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  25%?  Twenty-freakin’-five percent???  That’s craptastically bad, cramazingly bad, even!  If there’s one thing I love more than horror movies, it’s really bad horror movies!  Such a score is practically like the Golden Stamp of Greatness.  I’m sure that no matter how bad Friday the 13th is, it’s nothing that a pre-theater vodka tonic (or three) can’t fix.  Obviously someone at New Line didn’t put that integral tidbit in the electronic press kit that went out to all the critics.  DO YOUR JOBS, PEOPLE!  WE’RE IN A RECESSION!

ANYWAYS.

I think we all know what we have to do this week.  Go get your bon-bons and your boxed wine ready, y’all.  Friday the 13th promises to be THE RIDICULOUSNESS of this weekend, and you wouldn’t want to miss out on that, would you?  Didn’t think so.

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