Happy National Croissant Day!
January 30, 2015

I know, I know. I’ve posted this before. But you know what? That was years ago, and today’s National Croissant Day, and posting this video just felt so…

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Katy Perry Has a Refined Sense of Humor
June 16, 2010

Remember that one time Katy Perry tweeted this?

And how it was most likely in response to a certain someone’s “shocking” (it was not shocking) latest video?  No?  Because you, like me, try and avoid Katy Perry like a plague

Anyways, the music video for Katy Perry’s “California Gurls” arrived on the interwebs yesterday, and though it may have already been yanked, its brief appearance has already left us a single GIF to remind us what a not-a-fart joke looks like (and be sure to click the image and see this mess in motion):

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AdSense FAIL
June 14, 2010

From that post about Sean Hayes making a ZING! at the Tony Awards comes an important message from our randomly generated sponsors:

Never mind that the Duluth Pack has been guaranteed for life since 1882, y’all.  I need to know how many brown rice and vegetable farts this bag can fit, because I’ve got PLENTY.

Much love to David for point this one out.

Today in Hard Hitting Questions: What’s Your Bad Idea “Bombshell” McGee Forehead Tattoo?
March 19, 2010

It was brought to my attention yesterday that there’s some surprise that Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner has yet to address the human Ipecac that is Michelle “Bombshell” McGee.  Well, more specifically, the tattoo she has on her forehead.  The one that looks like this:

(a Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner artistic rendition in Photoshop excellence)

Okay, maybe not exactly like that, but for realsies: according to Terra, “Bombshell” McGee had “Pray for us sinners” tattooed on her forehead because she believes “we’re all sinners in life.”   Which perhaps explains the allegations of Nazi salutes and Swastika tattoos?

“Bombshell” McGee: Whoops, did heiling Hitler upset the kids again?

Ex-Husband: Duh.

“Bombshell” McGee: Well, I guess we’re all sinners in life.

Boo, you whore.  No, literally this time.

ANYWAYS, when this tattoo isn’t serving as a glaring example of her having all the spiritual depth of a person boneheaded enough to think tattooing “Pray for us sinners” on your forehead somehow makes you spiritually deep, it’s a fine example of a bad idea.  Like, a really bad idea.  Because it’s on your damn forehead, and only bangs can hide an embarrassment like that, which is like trying to hide the fact that you just pissed your pants at the bar by ripping a fart that could clear out a night club.  So while I’m pretty sure having a forehead tattoo automatically guarantees you a competitive spot at this year’s The Worsties, I at least think we can at least do slightly better than what we’re currently working with, so let’s all jump and see what we can come up with:

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Things That Should Not Exist: This Pillsbury Doughboy Video
June 4, 2009

Perhaps it’s just me, but the Pillsbury Doughboy is the stuff of nightmares.  Like nannerpuss, he’s supposed to sell a product, but instead just creeps the living hell out of me.  Don’t get me wrong: I love me some Pillsbury products.  They’re delicious.  Hell, one time in undergrad I ate their croissant dough.  Literally, the dough.  Without baking it.  Because I’m a human garbage disposal like that.  But I digress.

Anyways, while you might see this:

doughboy

I look at the Doughboy and see THIS:

149921_f260

He’s no mascot; he’s a dough monster!  I wouldn’t be surprised if he stays so plump by feasting on human flesh and adorable puppies.  He probably bakes children into meat pies using Pillsbury Frozen Deep Dish Pie Crusts and makes Funfetti-and-kitten cupcakes.  Seriously, how is this woman not fearing for her very life?  She’s clearly a braver soul than I.

Fortunately I found a support group for my phobia today.  It’s a 12-step program, and it involves watching this video, taking 5 minutes to realize that it’s a real video that–fake or not–was actually conceived and executed by someone, and then replaying it 10 more times:

I’m sorry, but did he just poop a croissant?  He just pooped a croissant!   Hahahahaha, AGAIN!

Doctor, I’m cured!

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